• He often gives off a slight milky scent, with undertones of the spices used in doritos brand chips, but it is usually masked well by some sort of Axe type high schooler 'first foray into cologne' type deal.

• He usually wears a torso garment that is comically too small and features a big prominent graphic of some sort of cartoon character. I initially surmised that he was unaware of how revealing of his shape this clothing was, but my questions were answered when during the winter he never wears a coat in the bitter cold, coming in wearing only a black mock turtleneck made of very, very thin material. He seems to get off on the fact that his curves are being noticed.

• During his typical chit-chat with anyone nearby who makes eye contact, he constantly engages in banal sarcasm to where he sometimes won't even verbally finish a thought because he knows his point was going nowhere and his only argument to stand on was trying to be ironic and cute. He just grins and takes another sip of his drink.

• Usually orders the most annoying contrived stuff that isn't even on the menu anymore. He thinks it's social and quirky like "Oh this is my Cheers, they all remember me and know I've got a particular taste for this special order." No asshole, they hate you for making their job more annoying and then they hate you more on top of it for thinking it's endearing.

• He has made at least 2 bartenders quit because he harasses the females trying to lure them into conversation which they all complain about behind his back, the staff is always making faces at each other and even sometimes other patrons whenever he gets into one of his chatty moods. But he seems completely blissfully ignorant to this. What few inside jokes that he seems to force through when engaging with staff, you can tell they're rolling their eyes inside, and sometimes you'll even hear staff among themselves mocking them, repeating the stupid stuff he says and chuckling to each other, talking about how distinctly terrible he is as a regular who they're not allowed to be mean to.

• The owner knows who he is, but I'm not aware of if he knows the owner. The owner loves him because he buys the most expensive garbage that they were going to throw away anyway and he calls it good service. He's what the boss calls an "easy mark," not sure what that meant but he would say it quite often to ease the staff from talking shit about him too often. "Leave him alone, he's an easy mark. He'll believe anything, even that we like him." And then they would all laugh to one another about his wardrobe.

If anybody has any questions that I can answer with 100% peer-reviewed honesty, AMA!