Obligatory you have to count the skin flute because he sucks penises at the YMCA.

You forgot the rusty trombone

I don't know the musical euphemism, but he sucks a lot of asshole too

rusty trombone

I knew I could count on this place

I heard he does a mean jethro tull cover on the meat pipe

JoeH can neither count the number of instruments he plays nor the number of children he has fathered.

Instrumentalist of.. of four!

Does he really say he’s a multi-instrumentalist? I have evidence to support the contrary here

He sure likes to harp on about how authentic his edge tone is when it suits him, but the reality is he is a lazy, lying idiot with no taste and cheap equipment. But hey, it sounds good to cloth-ears joe, so it must be authentic. I would genuinely like to know if he knows any theory at all, or is he just a tabs and pentatonics kind of pro musician.

He's a lazy fuck that uses a multi effects pedal instead of the actual pedals The Edge uses.

HE DOESNT KNOW HOW TO PLAY PIANO, so....

With as much free time as he has, if he had even a modicum of musical talent, he could learn to play piano in like 6 months. Guess that would cut into his Twitter time, and those bimonthly gigs at the Clam Bucket.

He thinks tapping a change on the vox is a different instrument

Guitar, looper (digitech), microphone percussion, skin flute, cowbell, Anthony, the things he plays goes on and on!

Does the frying pan count as an instrument?

An instrument of wife destruction

Yes

He's a master of the skin flute.

People who haven't accomplished much often try to embellish what little accomplishments they do have in order to compensate for insecurities. In Joe's case, they're probably crippling insecurities considering how little he's actually accomplished in life.

Wrong!

1. Guitar

2. Bass Guitar

3. 12 String Guitar

4. DigiTech Looper

5. Doing a drum beat by slapping the acoustic guitar.

You don’t know what you’re talking about 🤣

To be fair, a crappy bass player is the most expendable member of any band. Any cloven hoofed beeftard can play 3rds off the root note in time with the beat, which is exactly the limitations of Joe's ability on that instrument. Only true moosicians like me can play legit moosic, say Cello Suite No 1 in G on a P-Bass !

https://soundcloud.com/joseph-cumia/sets/not-live-from-the-basement

Written recorded produced by me at home. Yeah... “nice picture stupid”. I dunno why I bother. I write. Now you post your latest.. cello suite No 1 on a P-Bass...

3rds would be something. Joe is clearly a 5ths and octaves kind of queer.

Okay so /u/Doxxer100 replied and then deleted the comment. Out of habit, I immediately archived it but the comment isn't really important. What IS... Joe linked me to his Soundcloud page that I didn't even know existed..

https://soundcloud.com/joseph-cumia/tracks

http://archive.is/buhbP

It's a veritable gold mine in there - start digging boys! I've already downloaded all the songs and sent for the archive in DMCA dead zone. And have them saved in an anonymous Google Drive link as well.

I would like to thank /u/Doxxer100 for bringing these wonderful (mostly) original works to everyone's attention. This is the first time I've ever heard of them, and you have just provided all of us dozens of hours of merriment for our listening enjoyment! These are literally the greatest things I've heard in a VERY long time. Never let anyone tell you otherwise: Joe, you are a WELLSPRING of amusement. Please don't ever stop stalking, talking, and pursuing us. With every iteration, we not only grow stronger and harder like a callous but you bring us gifts like this and James Hefner without which we would surely die off within a couple weeks.

I was only aware of your covers like "Green Eggs and Ham" so please accept my sincerest apologies for slights against your character by intimating that you don't write non-parody originals. My personal favorites are "Pseudo Cowboy Millionaire" because it blends the autobiographical with the legend you wish you were, with the compelling lyrics:

 Never learned how to tan a hide, never had a hound dog up and die. 
 Never desired to fire a gun, I'd never fight back I'd always run
 Never took much to roping steer, or cutting my dinner from a fresh killed deer
 Never had me a wife that left, never had to do a damn thing myself.
 All I did was write a song, you nice folks sang along.
 Don't matter right or wrong, my record sales are strong.
 Put on my Stetson hat, watch my pockets getting fat
 How do you like that? Fuck you that booby here (? Autotune makes lyrics hard to decipher),           
 I'm Pseudo Cowboy Millionaire

and "Ghetto Logic":

All that winning, I came up a loser. 
It's illusion, always come to one conclusion.
When you're crippled with the madness, takes no time, 
It's just like magic. Always tragic. It's Ghetto logic.
Had a custom Continental, had an El Dorado too.
Just like Bad, Bad Leroy Brown
I had a gun in my pocket, a blade in my shoe. 

And for all its mockery of the mentally disabled, "Pathetic Lullaby" is a heartfelt, scars barred insight into the indelible lifelong damage your father and his handsy ranch hands have left on you.

However, just a question because your reply was in regards to me saying you can't play bass and you showed up with this as your proof of skills. Are you saying in addition to playing guitar and autotune, you also play organ, piano, bass, drums, banjo, steel guitar, pedal steel guitar, trumpet, trombone, saxophone, cello, viola, violin, atabaque, conga, marimba, and turntables? These are just a subset of the instruments I heard on your impressive tracks, but if so you are a legitimately talented musician and I will stop saying otherwise immediately.

Before I do so, I just want to make sure these layered tracks were recorded live from your instruments and aren't the same MIDI synth tracks that were used for the TACS intro song. They sound almost identical but we know those were done on FruityLoops. Didn't you write that song too? I sure hope you were paid and own in perpetuity btw!

So far 2 new contacts for joes gigs. Jeff allegue and pure music group.

Does tapping the microphone count as an instrument?

He excels at playing cockwind instruments. The best skin flautist in Suffolk County.

Sir, I fear you may be expecting accuracy or honesty from a Cumia.

Bobo's house

No, Bobo is well known for his dedication to drumming, stupid