I first came to him a guest. The trek was fraught with peril, and the closer I grew to Count Nana's Castle Compound the darker the skies grew. Thick clouds swirled overhead, torrents of rain tried to beat me back, and I was even berated by one Cow Helsing. He approached me three days from catching sight of the Tranpasylvania fortress.

"I'm Count Nana's hunter. Do you have anything to say to me?" he asked, staring the most bovine of all bovine stares. "Any chance you have a child with you, even two? My child spit cauldron has run low and I have naught the strength to continue. Pony up kid mucus now and I'll suck your soul through your dick later."

I side stepped him without issue as he lumbered towards me and continued. After days of hard walking, my first sight of the Compound were the things moving around its perimeter, doughy faces staring oddly from atop even doughier bodies. One could only stutter as I walked by, and another was dicking down a schnoodle in a mud puddle. They took no notice as I crept by. Both wrestled in that deep puddle of mud and the schnoodle was trying to claw away with his front paws.

As I drew closer, I could see a gargoyle perched on cheap marble on the roof. It was carved as if it was made of leather. The hair on it was stringy and it looked like the scalp would start shedding off with even the lightest breeze. Whatever it was, it was not wife material.

I knocked on the door. A ferret man answered, and introduced himself as Count Nana's manservant and erection reliever, Keith. He ushered me in and blundered his way through the dim hallway, even falling face first into a table and knocking every latex egg onto the floor. I heard them all, every one out of the hundred of them, start vibrating on the tiles.

The air was cold in the living room when I entered. He was sitting among white pillars and only his nose and eyes were lit by his computer monitor.

"Ha ha holy shit!" he exclaimed as he pushed himself off the couch with old hands dangling from limp wrists. "You must be my ipad salesman. I wish you had come sooner, but there is never a drought of young temptresses to ensnare!"

He turned his monitor towards me, showing the website for a preschool. He wiggled his eyebrows and started stroking himself through his gym shorts. I stood there for ten minutes while he stroked himself with an open mouth grin on his face and the computer monitor turned towards me advertising playground activities and learning the ABCs.

A cow lumbered through the hallway and into the living room.

"Good evening, libtard," he said with a frown. He noticed me. "Aha! You thought you could lose me in the downpour, but I captured a child near Mastic and wrung him dry like I was juicing an orange." He took out a stake from the leg of his enormous jeans. "You may try trickery, Count, but I have the cheap wood from a Chinese guitar that I will shove through your heart! Give me more moneys to use to travel the Tri State Area and annoy people in restaurants with my guitar playing. Fight a six foot one adonis if you dare!"

The lady of the Compound walked into the room. As if the both of them were in a trance, Cow Helsing dropped his stake and Count Nana dropped his gym shorts that looked like he had spilled an entire container of greek yogurt on the front and back. The Count mounted his sister from the rear, and Cow Helsing slid under them both. I heard the wet slap sound of one set of balls hitting another as an unholy trinity of double penetration played out in front of me. Cow Helsing creampied his sister as the full moon came out from under a blanket of clouds and hung high over it all. The gargoyle on the roof came alive under the moon's lunar gaze and I knew all hope was lost, for it truly was still not wife material.