Well I've just read my last post and that side of me would be upset with what I've done so far this summer. I've enjoyed it, but unfortunately it seems that skin deep is about the extent of my desire for more purpose. The stagnation is so bearable it's terrifying. Every day I push though the mediocrity to simply get by. I really need to break the cycle before it breaks me. Something I've thought of lately might help if I ever getting around to putting it into practice. Human psychology really does have some exploitable loopholes. The one I am most interested in is reinforcement. Lately it has been pushing against me, I've been reinforcing bad habits and unfortunately all my positive progress fall back into these before I can rewrite the code. I need to shift the dopamine kicks. How? Not sure. Cold turkey comes to mind. (heh, to mind) I'm not positive but I imagine the success of cold turkey is to starve your brain of typical kicks completely. This might free up some habit mobility as the dopamine is used to releasing x per day. Replace that with good habits and DONT regress for awhile and the old noggin will adapt to the new sources. The key of the forced adaptation is literally the lack of a more familiar alternative. Also maybe some sort of coupling. Pavlovian in the basic sense, a more complex and set routine in another, essentially couple a known kick with a more unfamiliar task, rinse and repeat until it becomes second nature. I've tried checks and balances, reward and punishment. For me, they don't work as well. I don't particularly know why, perhaps a lack of disciple or just an over complicated system overwhelms my ability to adapt and I fall back in the bad routine. It is very frustrating. A well balanced start would be ideal but I think that I need a spartan beginning followed eventually with very small tweaks in routine over time. All I truly know is that I need to start now, before tomorrow starts and I forget why this all is so important. Before I forget to move forward again. I need to find my feet. I need to remember that life will get better when I overcome this shadow of myself. I wonder if my next entry will have some good news, or better yet, I no longer need to justify my state of being anymore.