This happened about 2 months ago but I never had the courage to speak up. In light of recent events, I feel it is time that I share my story. It started out as a normal evening at Panera. The squad and I were beginning to put away the leftover bread bowls and baguettes in the back when we heard a loud crashing by the entrance of the store. I'm thinking "Great, 5 minutes to close and this is just what I need!". I rushed out, only to see a disheveled and unkempt homeless man lying face down on the ground in front of me. He was wearing a tattered sports bra and a used diaper, and was so strung out that he must have fainted when he entered the store. I noticed he was moving so I extended my hand to help him up. He took it with the grip of a vice and used his other hand to fondle my wee lil' ballsack. My penis is only half an inch when flaccid so it took him a while to find it, but once he did he really got a hold of it. The whole time he was screaming "I rape retarded paraplegic'. The real crime? I only came once.