I don't know if you guys will believe me, I can just hope. I work at a Subway in the same Wisconsin town where Pat lurks. About 6 months ago, there was an incident. Well, incident is putting it lightly. A masked man jumped behind the counter and shoved an entire footlong loaf of Italian herbs and cheese right up his ass. In front of FAMILIES who were simply enjoying their meal. Children, Jews, Blacks, Paraplegics, you name it. The place was bumpin, and they were all forced to witness this brutal and abhorrent act.

My sandwich artist colleague was the poor soul who saw it all go down and chase away the pervert. All he could describe him as was a portly man trying to (unsuccessfully) fit into an XL shirt and that he kept referring to him as "child". Needless to say, I'm a bit suspicious. The police have yet to apprehend anyone but I think they're onto him.