I invited her to Starbucks to find some common ground and she accepted.

I got there before her so I ordered a coffee (black and tasteless, in honor of Joe)

I sat down and relaxed to the sweet sounds of Post Malone or something, blaring out of unseen speakers.

I took a sip of my joe, but it was bitter, (again, like Joe himself.) I decided to grab some sugar and so I took the lid off my beverage. But before I could pour my sugar packet in, I heard, and felt, a terrible rumble.

I looked at my coffee and with each methodical stomp, I watched the surface of my coffee rippling. The sound got louder and people stopped chatting and began praying quiet prayers under their breath.

Just then, the doors blew off their hinges inwardly, knocking over mothers and children, child. Everyone scrambled towards the exit, but I stayed put, awaiting my fate valiantly.

And then something so big, something so dense, began waddling into the establishment. I gazed in shocked awe at something not unlike Grendel from the classic tale of Beowulf.

In frightened supplication, I offered the beast my drink, my hands shaking, hot Java scalding my fingers.

But she knocked it out of my hand and then blew both my eardrums out with a mighty roar, because Elizabeth Clarke doesn't want to be fed; Elizabeth Clarke wants to hunt.

I tried to run away but zer powerful magnetic field entrapped me; I tried putting my breaks on, but my sneakers just squeaked as zer gravity dragged my across the store towards zer.

Just then, Patso Tomlinson appeared, like an angel from the heavens, brandishing an antique wooden barstool and a thick leather bullwhip.

"Back! Back, I say!" ze bellowed, as zis fat yet flabby arm cracked the whip at zer face and clavicle rolls.

Zhe grimaced and flailed but she was no match for Patso. Against zis willpower, zhe was as powerless as a child.

Finally zhe stopped resisting, zer gigantic girth appearing to settle down. Patrick soothed zer by patting zer on zer valuable ivory tusks, and then zhe followed zim just like a duckling, right out the same double doors zhe had just trampled through.

I took off running as soon as I broke free from zer intense field of gravity.

Needless to say, we did not broker peace.

I'm sorry I did this. I thought I could fix things. I just didn't understand the sheer size of these beasts.

I didn't know what I was dealing with.