Artie cancels gigs to return to rehab. I think this time it'll stick, guys

1  2019-01-30 by bonniesretardsister

123 comments

"And it's time"

It was time in 1996.

Honestly, if he can have the fun he had and survive it and they can somehow reconstruct his nose, I think this was all worth it.

That's the thing about heroin. What fun? Hes just sitting in a chair nodding off. At least if you're a boozer/coke head partier you have some great stories. Any stories you have from heroin are so embarrassing youd never tell a soul sober.

Heroin addicts are basically house plants when highly.

Except houseplants don't have kids. Heroin addicts are fucking worthless.

Not having kids is probably the best thing Artie has done yet, so at least he's got that goin for him.

i bet he has some bastards with some Vegas whores

Vegas whores are on the pill, bro.

Then why how am I paying child support to 4 of them? You’re dumb, bro.

You're the sucker paying child support for some whore's kid. Who's the dumb one?

Oh yeah, because I was totally being serious about that you fucking retard.

Well.. no shit. Jokes on the opieandanthony subreddit? Why I never! I thought this was only for serious discussion.

This is a serious discussion. How do I stop paying alimony to hookers that I was never married to?

IANAL, but depending on your jurisdiction they may have claims for something commonly called "Palamony", but generally speaking if you were not supplying her with a lifestyle outside of the work-for-hire situation, she shouldn't qualify for that. Child support on the other hand, if she is a whore you could probably just sue for custody. You'd still have to pay for the kid, but you would at least be able to make them mow the lawn and wash the dishes. Unless there's a pattern of her denying you visitation, or otherwise violating the court order, you're kind of screwed.

Youre hired. Can you come to court with me four days from now?

Sure, let me put on my best sportcoat, t-shirt, and white sneakers. I'll head on over in my wife's designer Fiat.

You're so so so so so hired.

Except houseplants don't have kids. Heroin addicts are fucking worthless.

How worthless must you be to be less attractive than a heroin addict. They are attractive enough to fuck women.

Huh?

My houseplant is a father of 4.

Nice highly, stupid.

Somehow it still works

For him yeah. But he profited off of lying. Wrote 3 books about his life. Obviously to keep partying. Starting to think his stories aren't close to true in book.

Something tells me you didn’t read the books.

I bought his first one recently. Is it even worth it?

It is.

The crash and burn audio book is on youtube.

Abugliada Da

I like the first two a lot but haven’t gotten around to the third yet. Crash and Burn is darker but they’re both entertaining.

The stories are good but in retrospect I'm not buying its all legit. Guys the luckiest addict I know with all the special treatment. I can't hate though he fooled me.

Artie closing his redemption arc would be the best thing that could happen for this sub. Artie in 2021 back on the Howard Stern show laughing about one time working with the now deceased Anthony Cumia.

Honestly all he's worthy of is being in the Wack Pack now.

Someone in the comments for the post on twotter wrote that he’s praying for artie followed by #soberissexy.... Faggot.

I’ve been sober for about a decade and it isn’t special. I think God every day that I’m sober, but it isn’t special. It doesn’t make me unique, doesn’t make me some kind of survivor, it doesn’t make me some hero, it’s the bare minimum. I’m not killing myself at substances and I’m not getting behind the wheel and killing someone else. Congratulations me? At least when I was a stupid mess I had the shame and dignity to get better. A little Shane can do you some damn good. Everyone’s afraid to feel shame nowadays, it’s completely healthy and normal when what you’re doing is wrong.Maybe if everyone around him would stop acting like it’s some kind a fucking mountain to climb, he would sober the fuck up. Goddamnit Abel is making it seem like it’s a fucking marathon. Just get some help, change your habits, and stop being a stupid piece of shit. It’s the same thing fat people do when they get thin. Just stop. It isn’t that simple, it takes help, but you don’t need a goddamn miracle to pull it off. God this makes me so fucking angry.

At least you don't ramble on about your sobriety.

Oh, but he did.

That’s all very well but do you not feel a bit silly that you are unable to have a few drinks and not make a complete idiot of yourself like the rest of us?

Just curious. Do you do the whole AA/NA thing?

don't motherfuck him, it's ANONYMOUS, sccumbbagg!

Look at him though. Hes addicted to everything. His whole life is just being a slob. Itll never stick

That’s the worst, the “you’re so talented/we’re pullin for ya, Artie” morons that endlessly hold out hope for this pathetic junky. Fuckin retards.

Reading the comments is the most absurd part of that post. There are people that think their little words of encouragement is meaningful to this junkie fucking retard.

Retartie shits all over his family, his friends and his employers, but he "really cares about" his fans. He was obviously told "real rehab or jail, you no-nosed fuck", otherwise he'd be in his hovel doing drugs right now.

Yeah he is constantly running out the clock and begrudgingly has neanderthal genes. He thinks he will die at any moment and doesn't care, but just won't die and has to push the goal post back again.

He is in his hovel doing drugs right now. Then, when he reports to rehab, he’s going to do more drugs while he is there. Then, he’ll do more drugs when he comes out. Then, somehow, he won’t die right away and will have to do this two more times before he finally kicks the fucking bucket. Enough with this goddamn loser. Seriously. He hasn’t been funny in 15 years and he pissed away one of the greatest gigs in the history of radio. He’s a dumb stupid asshole. At least Anthony is mostly functional. He never had as many second chances as Artie, either. This fat fucker is welcome and just about anybody’s radio show, Anthony makes some stupid racist remarks and we lose our favorite radio show forever. Artie can go to hell.

here here

Don't you know being a racist is way worse than making terrible personal choices constantly? Artie can't help himself, all Ant has to do is turn off the part of his brain that wants them to behave.

Ant and Artie are both world-class scumbags, but at least Anthony is capable of bathing and wearing two clean shirts, unlike Retartie, who dresses like he just woke up in a crack house. Artie looks like he smells like smoke, unwashed ass and rotting flesh and that thing on his face scares children.

who dresses like he just woke up in a crack house.

I mean he did, to be fair

He gave his number out on twitter a couple years ago. I was bored and drunk so i called. Talked for about 10 minutes. He was fucking loaded and kept telling me he loved me. Told me he’d put me on the VIP list and backstage at his next AC gig.

He put me on the phone with his manager/handler/enabler and i never heard from either of them ever again.

I could always tell when my old weed dealer was on heroin, because he'd tell me he loved me. As opposed to the usual "Sup..."

I've done heroin for years and have never told anyone I loved them because of it. It turned me into a sarcastic prick. I'd say that while drunk though

He could have been a fag for all I know, but his eyes were always pinned when he'd say it.

Were you wearing cutoffs?

Haha right

They think their words make them look good. That’s all it is. They’re not trying to help already, do you want to show everyone how awesome they are. Throwing some kind words to a fucking junkies one of the easiest things anyone can do. Big fucking deal, assholes. Turn it into an event, like a Tupperware party, it’s rehab stupid. Getting cleaned up is your responsibility. It isn’t a three month journey to throw a ring into a volcano.

"It isn't a three month journey to throw a ring into a volcano." That gave me a drunk laughing fit. Fucking dead on.

Also it’s clearly written by a member of his staff, it being legible shoulda told them that.

Why do you care if he’s a “junkie”?

I dont care he is a junk head. I care that he is wasting everyone's time and isn't a man. He acts like a child nonstop. Sometimes 'junkies' are a fucking burden.

Is he in your life?

I earn money selling gabagool and he's my best customer. If he dies my babies can't go to college.

I love gabagool. How can I get some of that?

How is he wasting your time? You’re wasting your own time talking about him.

How is this fat lump of shit loser not in jail? Nice judges dick.

Nice Nice-joke, stupid.

Nice "Nice Nice-joke, stupid" joke, stupid.

What I don't get is that no one has narrowed down his dealer? How is his dealer not paranoid as hell to fuck with him with all the attention he brings? He always brags about his cop fans. Dirty cops maybe? He is one hot dose from death that could be traced back to them at some point. I don't understand how he hasn't been popped more than he has. He's a fat junkie that does sets and hibernates in his apartment. The guys face is falling off and is on the death clock. You would think people would intervene at some point. He cant be that smart.

Obviously I don't "know" but if I had to guess I'd assume that his hook-up is another addict who scores a few free bags in exchange for copping Artie's dope. Some junkie slob who gets two or three free bags a day in exchange for copping and delivering Artie's heroin isn't going to care about cops or anything else.

That's kind of what I believe too, but with years and years doing dope eventually you will get a dirty bag. And he always brags he gets good product. Mathematically you'll end up with a dirty bag at some point. He snorts it so maybe that's why he avoids death? Phillip Seymore Hoffman snorted too and croaked. So that makes me wonder if he is an attention seeking victim faggot and doesn't do as much as he says he does.

Last time he tested positive it was for coke wasn’t it? Maybe it’s just been coke and whiskey for the past few years. That won’t kill you overnight, but it will certainly destroy your body and make your face fall off.

Yeah I tend to believe it's Artie living inside this story he created of himself as being a 'maniac' drug user. But it just isn't craaaazy like all these insecure comedians say it is. They all live inside their heads and create stories for a legacy. I don't buy his stabbing story whatsoever. He made it out like he got a full on 8-1/2 inch kitchen knife and jammed it into his stomach. The medical report was hesitation cuts. He floated on that sympathy for a couple of years. He is a pussy and a coward at heart and I don't believe he is the Layne Staley of the comedy world like he says he is.

what a claim to be layne staley...guy is a fuckin asshat

he didn't test positive for heroin because that fake rehab that let him out to do comedy shows gave him a shot of sublocade so he couldn't get high from opiates for a month.

“Yeah, sure. Ha ha, guys. Like someone’s face could actually fall off.” (Sees Artie’s face) “Oh good God!”

He's got prescriptions for xanax and some other narcotic prescription also

Maybe he's got the mafia hookups. Wouldn't doubt with him on Howard and knowing ppl in his pass. He's not dumb. Guarantee it's only high up ppl who don't fuck wih fentnaly

Wasn't he a regular at Scores? That place was mobbed up with Gambinos. He atleast has to be friendly with a few associates.

Oh yeah. He's always kidding about Maria people so wouldn't expect he's got some friendships/fans along the way. I mean there mafia connections all over nyc. I think he knows exactly who to buy from with no worries.

Artie once said that the mafia financed Beer League

They'd have whacked him.

Most likely.

I believe they found a needle in PSH's arm when he died, though. Maybe he thought he'd give it a shot that day.

Because the heroin epidemic is bad in New Jersey, so cops are too busy to bust a rich guy who's only hurting himself when they have endless amounts of junkies robbing people, shoplifting, turning tricks, or putting their kids in danger. Artie just buys dope in bulk for a few days and stays in his apartment. He's harmless.

I hope you're staying clean.

Bingo

I said this months ago. I think my post was something like ATTENTION ARTIES DRUG DEALER! you gotta be a complete idiot to sell this guy drugs at this point. You know hes going to OD. You know hes dumb enough to have your cell number and texts still in his phone. And you know his family will likely look for anyone to blame but Artie when he finally kills himself. Google Len Bias law.

Totally.

Um no one really cares that much to intervene or has the time. Plus he's a pr magnet everyone he's arrested. Good business all around

It's not like he has one dealer who follows him around the country while he tours

I always figured it was different connects or fans that know he fucks with dope. The fan takes him to their hook-up most likely

He'll be back spilling green beans all over club dressing rooms again in a week and a half.

thank you....hes a fuckin bum

I hope he doesnt get any in the fax machine

Wasn't his next court date like today?

what a coinkidink

Why does a go who has been clean for weeks need to go to rehab. Makes no sense.

Can he not step out and do shows awhile at rehab?

This is his get out of jail free card. Fucking scumbag, and still fans pay for his shit

Addiction is trying to motherfuck him.

This is like his twentieth get out of jail free card.

Artie just take everything you have and buy as much as you can. Don’t stop til it’s gone.

Done with this shitbag, good run Artie, you're a fucking forever bum and it's depressing me

Hopefully the 39th time is the charm.

With or without the drugs he’s a fucking looser

The saddest part about this is that there’s a loser out there pathetic enough to agree to be Artie Lange’s team. Let him die and rot alone in his sad apartment, please.

He has no choice. Judges orders

Ive personally been aware of artie about a year and in that time hes been in court 3 times and gone to rehab like 6 times

"On my kids cum stained sweatpants Paulie, I'm clean this time." Henry Hill Artie Lange

What a bunch of negative nancies around here. You know what they say - 85th time's a charm! God bless, Arturo!

"Artie Loves and respects his fans"

maybe he should try doing that for himself?

Don’t worry gang, Artie will be out and “sober” by Friday afternoon to make his evening PM gig then tweet obsessively all weekend about how this time is going to be different.

He needs at least a full year in serious rehab. No twitter no phones no computers no gigs. Get your fat ass up out of bed at 7AM every single day and spend your time thinking about how the fuck you ended up there.

This guy should’ve been dead at lesat 7 or 8 times. He’ll probably outlive his nose.

Artie sucks anyways.

He was only ever funny on stern when he would battle the his cousins in the wack pack.

You mean leaving a short term rehab to do comedy in bars wasn’t a good strategy to stay sober?

What is the poin?

One step closer to the great long-term treatment facility in the sky

This time he will one-hundred percent stick with it and totally not relapse at all... hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha he's going to die.

Artie’s rehab residency is actually a noble service. Everybody else in there is going to be scared straight seeing that deformed nose in person.

:Prayer Hands:

But I thought Artie already went to rehab. According to Wikipedia he went in late 1995 after attempting suicide. That should mean he's been sober for over twenty-two years.

If it takes a million times, I don't care. Just as long as this really kind and funny guy starts taking care of himself eventually. He needs to stop blaming himself for his father's fate.

Who don't you are being sincere and shit on this sub you freak?

Retartie shits all over his family, his friends and his employers, but he "really cares about" his fans. He was obviously told "real rehab or jail, you no-nosed fuck", otherwise he'd be in his hovel doing drugs right now.

He gave his number out on twitter a couple years ago. I was bored and drunk so i called. Talked for about 10 minutes. He was fucking loaded and kept telling me he loved me. Told me he’d put me on the VIP list and backstage at his next AC gig.

He put me on the phone with his manager/handler/enabler and i never heard from either of them ever again.

I hope you're staying clean.

Last time he tested positive it was for coke wasn’t it? Maybe it’s just been coke and whiskey for the past few years. That won’t kill you overnight, but it will certainly destroy your body and make your face fall off.

Haha right

Maybe he's got the mafia hookups. Wouldn't doubt with him on Howard and knowing ppl in his pass. He's not dumb. Guarantee it's only high up ppl who don't fuck wih fentnaly

Somehow it still works

They think their words make them look good. That’s all it is. They’re not trying to help already, do you want to show everyone how awesome they are. Throwing some kind words to a fucking junkies one of the easiest things anyone can do. Big fucking deal, assholes. Turn it into an event, like a Tupperware party, it’s rehab stupid. Getting cleaned up is your responsibility. It isn’t a three month journey to throw a ring into a volcano.

Also it’s clearly written by a member of his staff, it being legible shoulda told them that.

I believe they found a needle in PSH's arm when he died, though. Maybe he thought he'd give it a shot that day.

Why do you care if he’s a “junkie”?

Bingo