Calling it now: Artie will be dead before Friday

i'll take that bet. If i'd bet the odds against artie living the whole way i'd be a millionaire.

He past.

i wanna upvote this but it feels like bad karma so i won't

Why don’t you go get your shoes nailed

why don't you eat me raw with a Flava Straw

there's been so many predictions for his death at this point I wouldn't be surprised if he makes it into his mid 80's

I think if you spend enough, like at least a million, on heroin it preserves you. Look at Keith Richards. And now Artie Lange. Kurt Cobain probably did the shotgun to the head so he wouldn't be an ancient heroin vampire once he hit the million mark

He will raise from the tomb on Sunday looking for more heroin

TL;DR: jew broads fight Dracula.

In Arties nose

Uncle Tony is quite the tv critic.

Its jew broad fights draculas, stupid.

Die Monster!

It was not my nose that I'm once again given heroin.

Who's more pathetic? Artie or Keith and Ant for hiring this loser?

He’s rich, famous and a non violent offender. He slide until he dies. He’s never going to clean up and get his act together. His life has been filled with all these great opportunities most people would kill for; side kick to the most famous radio host in the world, a successful stand up career and a regular on an HBO series and all he does is shoot it up his arm or snort it up his nose. The saddest part is most people are cheering him on to get better and he thinks the junkie thing endearing.

He really is a white guy, eh?

I've never seen any other kind of non violent drug offender tbh

There was Marion Barry, he was so popular he was able to stage a comeback.

Enough of this junkie. He'd be in jail right now if he wasn't a former celebrity.

Judge: Okay Artie, you only get one more chance, I'm telling you for the counts on fingers fourth time!

#Pray4Artie

Prison would be the best thing for him

His cellmates will love hearing his cheesburger story for the hundreth time in three days.

He would repeatedly tell the cellmates the story about his old cellmate asking if he put cocaine on cheeseburgers?

Dead in prison by Xmas

"Xmas"

You kikes just can't help it, can you?

Happy Thanksgiving ArtieH

Junkies always lie

So he was on probation while he's stood on stage with his nose bleeding all over the place?

Who could have seen this coming?

The rehab announcement gets him more sympathy, so of course he'll go with that.

If he survives this, let me suggest "The Round and the Jury" as the Faulknerian title for memoir numero cuatro.

Funny enough, "The Playground and the Furious Masturbation" has a certain ring suited for someone else we know...

“I don’t know. I’m a very humble guy at this point. And I think I’m ready to go and do what I got to do. It’s been long enough.”

the funniest thing Artie has said in years

You don't think he meant it? I'm sure he did at the moment anyway.

Also, how could he not be "humble"? He misses being on Compound Media...

When you're attacking Dan whatshisface from Cumia's shitty webcast out of jealousy...you know you've hit rock bottom.

Just as bad as stabbing yourself repeatedly in a suicide attempt, if not worse IMHO.

So he's finnaly gonna kill himself for real?

Fucking sad sack.

I think Artie has never been the relentless drug addict he claims to be. Because if he was, he would be dead by now. It's this weird sympathy victim bullshit he pulls constantly. He wants platitudes like the people that actually died from drugs. His imaginary legacy. I don't buy it that he has a crippling addiction as he says. He comes off like someone that snorts Vicodin and calls it "Heroin." He's terrified of death and loves the attention of being a "drug addict." Artie, you're not a Panzer German tank. You're a weak faggot that was never a blue collar man. I don't believe his Heroin addiction. Fuck off.

enablers

I just don't believe it. He's full of shit. Diabetes will kill him first. He wants to be mystical and edgy. Fucking tired of his fake ass drug addict bullshit.

I always assumed the reason he is still alive is because he eats so much, the drugs don't effect him like a normal human. You're right though, how is liver functioning if he is drinking and taking opioids like that?

He is hardly the only junkie to defy odds and keep living. Some people are just durable.

Mixing alcohol and opioids doesn't normally last that long. Both are bad for the liver, mixing them is exponentially worse, I think. He also has diabetes.

I don't know how he is alive.

> He comes off like someone that snorts Vicodin and calls it "Heroin."

​

He got arrested for having 81 bags of heroin.

Dammit. Good point. But still, I'm sick of his junkie bullshit. Just shoot it and die.

I'm not saying he's the world's biggest junkie. But nobody is going to piss away a job as lucrative as the Stern gig and have that much dope on them 10 years later if they were just trolling for attention. Jim Norton is the kind of fake addict out for attention.

He probably just wrote "Heroin" on the Vicodin bottles thus duping the cops.

I'd think that would be true until he developed his constantly bleeding mush nose. That thing is disgusting

But fucking look at him. From this to this to this in a pretty short timeframe.

Plus his behavior on Ant's show was absolutely fucked. Watch a clip from the AA show and one from the Artie Lange show from 2013/2014 where he seems reasonably clean. It's like 2 different people without even considering his appearance. He's pretty competent running a show in 2014 but on the AA show he doesn't even seem to know where he is or that the cameras are on.

He got busted with 50 bags of heroin.

82 bags.

But yeah, he wants to do time in prison to keep up a character when it would just be easier to be Jim Norton talking about how you're clean but still struggling 30 years later for attention, right.

For real, if anyone here is happy about this news, you need to get the fuck out right now, or at least admit that this sub does not respect funny people.

But we're talking about post-2007 Artie Lange.

Artie hasn't told a new joke in 10 years

Does radaronline truly believe this is “shocking news”?

Well, it says at the bottom of the "article" that they pay for "juicy info".

Me and you, buddy. Let's partner up on this and get them some info.

We'll split the money 60-40. I obviously get the 60% because I was the brains behind the operation.

Sounds like a plan!

Cool, now go offer Artie some heroin on twitter or something and get him to DM you about it.

Screenshots to sell to Radaronline and BOOM! You just earned your 30% right there.

Its an easy 25%!

Oy vey!

Fine! I'll do 25%

You drive a hard bargain, kid.

Honestly, he just needs one more chance.

Thank you for all the kind words and prayers, I just need sometime to rest and think and don't forget to watch Crashing on...

"Wanna Bet" is now available.

DOH! He's gonna flee to Europe

Do they have Gabagool in Estonia?

They need to lock him up. He’s hopeless and needs it. It’s the only thing that can start him on a different path. It isn’t “compassionate” to let him slide, but they will, and he’ll be dead by spring.

He'd probably be getting better H in prison than from the Elizabeth McDonald's parking lot. Stinks says the same thing

Locking him up won't do a God damn thing. The dude needs like 2 years in a rehabilitation center with constant therapy.

And he’s one of the rare addicts who can afford it. It’s his last chance. He can’t even stay clean with all the Subs a doctor will prescribe.

Most of the people I know who I helped get sober were incarcerated for a period of time first. It’s the only thing that woke them up. They thought they wanted to get sober, they really did, but they had never hit bottom. For some of them, incarceration was their bottom. I agree that constant therapy in a rehabilitation center might do the trick, but he’s been in and out of rehab over and over again and would have to be forced to go to one that will actually monitor him and hold him accountable.

Help me Dayner!

"yo big man tell us about the time you mean to Crazy Alice again, that bitch be cray"

Fucking junkie loser

> The shocking news

He should move to Somalia and chew khat instead.

Like a bitch ass fat koala

I bet his diabetes starts acting up on Thursday night.

"i'm dying guys. here's a pic of my shitty private hospital room"

The diabetes defense is pretty genius in terms of putting off sentencing hearings. Arties in such shit condition that a hospital will find something to admit him for no matter when he shows up. He owes his (((lawyer))) for that one.

He's not robbing anyone to get his fix so he shouldn't go to jail. The only people he hurt are himself, his family, and arguably Keith so fuck it.

It's hilarious to imagine Ant reading the "Howard Stern's former sidekick" part.

Talk about obscurity. I wouldn't be surprised if even Artie has forgotten he and Ant once did a show together.

inpatient rehab for him is vacation to basically a luxury resort in Florida or Malibu while they feed him Suboxone... he doesn't have to get actually clean and sober as long as a doctors giving him a prescription

Rot in jail already, you stupid junkie. He has all the money, friends, and loving family in the world and he fucked up chance after chance. I've seen people quit heroin cold turkey through sheer strength and will power. Artie is a weak fucking loser and a burden.

That's what enables him the money. Any other person would've been in prison or shot. He was so lucky Jackie fucked up with Howard.

Actual prison seems pretty damn likely after blatantly violating his probation so swiftly. If he was gonna commit suicide of actually die from an overdose it would be now. I'll sorta feel bad if I'm right, but it's more likely than not. Still Artie hasn't died yet, so who the fuck knows

I think its time Artie takes that long walk to St. Louis...

Funniest part of the article:

The shocking news

Nice ads, stupid.

"The shocking news comes on the heels of Lange’s announcement that he would be checking himself into an inpatient rehab centerOpens a New Window."

Yes.... Shocking....

With all this fentanyl stuff going around I'm shocked he hasn't od'd already.

he probably has the tolerance of 50 junkies combined

His poor mudda!

They can lock him up or they can bury him. To think he will fix himself or comply with any rehab or court orders is idiotic. Jail might save his life