listen to the thunder

or in this case, tremors

That'll do pig

Do you take this swine to be your lawfully wedded wife?

It took him weeks to find a jewler who could fit a ring for a hoof

Sauron couldn't forge such a ring.

He's thinking about that divorce settlement.

Equal rights and such.

She wouldn’t even want his money, just his pantry.

The face of a guy knowing he'll have to carry that load over the threshold later that night.

I’m sure he PrEPped by doing squats 8 years leading up to that moment

That won't prevent his spine from shattering like a piece of candy glass.

Don’t women usually lose weight for their wedding day?

want pancakes

"Oh shit, this is really happening and it's too late to stop it."

She carries her fat awfully.

I want to bite that stay puft marshmallow underchin

I.e. everywhere

That’s the face of a man who is going to do a lot of cooking, and that’s the chin of a woman who is going to do a lot of eating.

"Fondue"

I go to the gym 5 days a week and cant get arms like that. What am i doing wrong?

You're going to the gym

Ah thats gotta be it but when do i steal the jokes?

Probably nothing. Regularly working out usually prevents fat, muscle free arms. Are you saying you have scrawny arms?

Its called a joke, this be the last sub i would go to for exercise advice. Also why would i want fat flabby arms.

I suspected as much but your lack of anything funny made me wonder if you were actually being serious.

Quick call him unfunny cause im the retard that took an obvious joke seriously on a sub of trolls.

I was retarded to take it seriously, granted. But it wasn't an obvious, or at least funny, joke.

Seriously though, dawg. You want some tips to get shredded? Hit me up. It's 80% diet - teaser.

How can I get ripped with one, weird trick?

You should have known it was a joke when someone on this sub said they went to a gym.

You can't just go to the gym. You gotta start eating batter!

Women tend to gain a lot of weight after getting hitched

All this time she has been secretly married to at least 10 different men simultaneously.

Face of a man who just sold his soul for the perks of celebrity & money, just realizing that he is now obligated to have regular sex with her.

Ha!

He looks like he just got a cancer diagnosis at the doctor.

He's about to gain a 300 pound tumor

I heard Amy Schumer had a 95-pound mole removed from her ass.

..... the insinuation being that her ass is actually large enough to host a mole of that size..... He knows better than to make a remark like that while I'm around.

That wedding dress really brings out her double chin. Ugh what a disgusting fatso.

Time to consummate the marriage https://goo.gl/jMBbif

He needed the money OH!

Agoosh!

Looks at his agent: "I mean, explain me again, how does this help my career?"

He has been searching his whole life for tge elusive, succulent cunt pig.

Guys i think we can all agree, when she has a baby she'll easily lose the pregnancy weight.

Marrying for money and help with moving large objects

Nice set of Derosa shoulders on that fella

She finally found her Kermit.

Ms. Piggy got a STANKY PUSSAI

that regular office suit

The going downstairs to pay the pizza boy dressed in a wife beater hair

He's probably one of those molecular cuisine art chef faggoys who spends ten hours making half a morsel of tiger taint infused with Madagascar coffee beans that have been collected from the faeces of the rare civette monkey. Now he has to cook for a party of ten hungry yenta's everyday

He looks like he's brainstorming how to inconspicuously push her over the edge of their honeymoon cruise ship.

This is one of those game of thrones marriages, where the point is really just about social power and the guy hates the dolt he's with, but sucks it up for the good of the family lineage.

She has Peter Griffins chin.

GIVE IT BACK PIGGIE

I DO?

I've made a huge mistake

His hairdo is too shitty to be a beard situation.

Oh Princess Fair, wilst thou grant me thine dainty hoof in marriage?

Nothing about that blob is dainty.... except her willpower when it comes to dieting.

Do ya?

"I moo"

I hope dat nigga likes the smell of goat cheese under breasts

Oh shit...

She's so rotund now, she has constant squinty eyes.

The best she'll ever look in her life and she looks like a painted ancient Greek death mask.

What sort of stupidly trendy haircut does he have? Buzzed on the bottom portion with three fifths of a bowl cut and parted.

I wonder if she did the thing where they shove the wedding cake into each other's faces.

He knows better than to risk losing a hand

He's gonna gut that pigs bank account ,or pull a Patton.Either way it's going to be HUGE.Huuuuge,huge.

He knows...

He's doing mental calculations of his monthly food bill vs. his monthly income and realizing he has made a big mistake.

I do?

He is thinking about what he has to fuck, and how much Viagra he will need to get that cash.

Her hair looks pretty

I heard Amy Schumer had a 95-pound mole removed from her ass.