-"AW YEAH I LOVE THAT SONG! I SHAZAMED IT!" Opie screams to open the show too hype how much he loves Blackberry Smoke's "Waiting for the Thunder".

-Chris announces that his girlfriend is pregnant, but he's going to leave her anyway. Opie is stunned because he says Chris was telling him that story in confidence, but now he blurts it out on the radio.

-Artie comes in and asks why Chris can always do Opie's show but can't come on his show once. Opie explains to him that a lot of people don't want to come to Hoboken. Artie tells him Opie Radio has a lot of listeners in Hoboken, so Opie now loves the town. DiStefano promises to take the ferry and come do Artie's show. Opie tries to convince Artie to listen to Blackberry Smoke because "they're bringing southern rock back." Artie ignores him and starts bashing Chelsea Handler, saying her book should have been called "Are You There Talent?" Opie is all in with the Handler hate. "We're honest on this radio show. So I gotta say I can't stand her Netflix show. And I fawkin' tried to get into it, but I can't stand it." Artie says if you google "Complete opposite of talent" her picture will come up. Artie wants to continue trashing Handler, saying she has herpes, but Opie cuts him off because "we gotta talk about what's going on with Chris."

-Artie says Chris is like his little brother so is concerned about him. Artie knows the relationship was bad and warned him about her. Artie says he'd advise him not to be in any relationship. "You'd get laid if you were a plumber. As a successful comic you're printing pussy." Artie says he should question if she's telling the truth. Artie: "She might be lying. Or it could be Aziz Ansari's." Chris: "No, she's not a dude." Chris asks if he can tell the story about watching Ansari at the Cellar with Artie. Opie: "If it's real you can tell it." Chris ends up changing the subject. Chris says Artie gave him his break when he let him open for him at Caroline's "because anxiety-ridden Joe Matarese cancelled on him." Chris says he'd go for walks with Artie after his shows to keep him away from drugs, but he'd never lose any weight because he'd stop to get a slice of pizza three times. They talk again about Chris's situation. Artie advises him to hook up with Chelsea Handler because he's heard she wants to date a less successful comic than her and tour together. Chris says he wishes Sarah Silverman had that offer. Artie: "She's not gonna fuck ya. (whispers) she likes black guys."

-Opie asks Artie if he's read Norm's book yet. He says he did and he's grateful that Norm left a lot of embarrassing stuff about him out. Artie says he had just gotten out of jail for cocaine possession when he first met Norm and Bob Saget. They invited him to play pool. He says he saw some Mexican guys at the pool hall "that gave me a look like they had cocaine." Artie bought coke and did it in the bathroom. Artie walked back out obviously high on cocaine "in front of two guys who just got me back into show business. A more self destructive thing has never happened." Artie says Norm gave him chances because he's intrigued by people "who are losers but are good at one thing that can buy their mother a house." Artie thought he blew it, but Norm said he'd give him the part as long as he promised not to bring drugs over the border.

-Chris says that Artie is the nicest comedian he's ever known. He says Artie regularly gives out his phone number and address to fans. He tells a story about a time a psychotic looking guy came back stage after Artie performed looking for him, it turned out Artie really did invite him to hang out with him. Artie: "This is why I am 50 and broke."

-Back to the DiStefano drama. Chris says he's concerned about telling his father he's leaving his pregnant baby mama because "he's probably gonna have a stroke." Artie thinks if he's okay with her being Puerto Rican he'll be okay with him leaving her after having two kids. Chris originally told his family she was Sicilian. Artie says he did that with a light skinned black girl he was dating that he brought to a wedding. Opie: "Yeah, I went down that road once. I used the 'yeah, she's 100% Italian'. Because you don't want to explain it every time. You don't know if people are accepting." Artie does an impression of a black woman asking for Italian food. Chris admits he didn't use protection with a woman he knew he was going to leave "because I am addicted to chaos." Artie says he knows what he means because he needs chaos in his life too because he hates being bored. He then questions whether he needs to get a Puerto Rican pregnant too. Opie asks Chris when he'll know for sure she's pregnant. "Probably within the next month." Artie suggests he consult The Guy Code about what to do.

-They talk about Chris's CBS pilot that will be filmed in March. Chris wishes he could cast it so he could have Artie, Colin Quinn and Nick DiPaolo as co-stars. Artie: "I'd have to turn it down. I can't do a steady job anymore." Opie is offended he didn't say he'd cast him. "I'd take a lil taste. What am I to you?" Opie says he couldn't play his friend because he's so much older than him. ERock suggests he play his neighbor, Chris thinks he should play his step son's father. Artie says he once played Chris O'Donnell's best friend in a movie called The Bachelor in 1999 "even though I looked like I installed his cable for him." But Artie says he's serious about no longer wanting steady jobs. "I did one scene for Judd Apatow's show and I don't want to do that anymore."

-Dr. Steve calls in. Opie asks if a girl can get pregnant on her period like Chris's baby mama is saying. Dr. Steve says it's unlikely but not impossible. Dr. Steve says she could have been bleeding in the middle of her period, and that's when she'd be the most fertile. Artie: "Some women bleed in the middle of an argument." Chris says she hasn't done a pregnancy test, but tells him she just feels like she knows she's pregnant. Opie suggests they just leave the radio show now and go get a beer together. Artie: "We're way past the Blackberry Smoke song now." Opie: "Yeah, we're in The Cure's catalog." Artie implies she should just push her down the stairs. "I know you have real slippery steps. And don't you have that thing where you have a seizure and your leg kicks out?" Opie: "Yeah, you might need to take a cruuuuuuuuise. And do the old push-a-rooooooooo." Opie asks Dr. Steve if she could really feel pregnant after 7 days and he says it sounds like bullshit. Chris: "I could feel her energy and she felt truthful." Artie: "Well, that might not be the gayest thing you've ever said. Did you say you sucked a cock this week?" Dr. Steve plugs Weird Medicine, now on at 4am. Opie: "4am on a Wednesday?! Now I don't know who has the sadder situation." Holy shit, Opie said something funny. Of course he runs it into the ground because he got genuine laughs for the first time in who knows how long.

-Opie says he's very tired today. He took yesterday off because he wanted to take his kids Trick or Treating in Philadelphia. Maybe so they could stop by Castle Bam to show their costumes. Opie doesn't want his kids trick or treating at apartments so he took them to a neighborhood his wife knew so they could go house to house. They talk about offensive costumes and Hillary Duff having to apologize for her Indian costume. Artie thinks he should have gone as a Mexican rapist this year in tribute to Trump. Opie mentions Hillary Duff is dating her fitness trainer. Artie tells the story of the time a trainer told him a runner's high was as good as being high on heroin and he got pissed off. Opie says when he feels depressed he likes to exercise to release endorphin's.

-Sports talk. Chris heard the crime rate in Cleveland has dropped to historic lows because everyone was happy about the Indians and Cavs. Artie says he heard a rumor another NBA player fucked LeBron James's mother. "His mother looks like Don Cheadle got stung by bees." Chris feels bad for the White Sox because they won a World Series and nobody cared, but everyone is excited about the possibility of the Cubs winning. Opie says every area of Cleveland scares him. Chris once had a show cancelled in Cleveland and the promoter blamed a Hanson concert that was happening that night for the low interest in his show.

-A caller says he had sex with a Puerto Rican on her period "like crime scene sex" and got her pregnant. When he says she was a Playboy make up artist Artie tells him it's probably Pauly Shore's baby. Opie talks about how ERock used to be so paranoid he'd take his condom with him so no sperm could be around her. He invites him to come talk about it and ERock isn't even listening to the show. Opie: "Are we that boring?" ERock finally comes in and tells the story. Artie asks why he wouldn't just flush it down the toilet. ERock said he would but a lot of times he was at places where he couldn't. Artie: "Were you fucking a girl in an igloo?" ERock said he'd tie it up and put it in the change pocket in his jeans because he never used it. Opie talks about how he was 1 of 7 kids and his mother openly said she didn't want that many children and blamed the church's policy on birth control for them.

-Artie tells his old joke about Anfernee "Penny" Hardaway's mother thinking that was how you thought you spelled Anthony and Patrick Ewing's mother thinking Patrick was how you spelled Anthony. Opie doesn't know he's joking and asks "Really?" seriously before fake laughing when Artie tells him it's a joke. They talk about athletes blowing their money. Artie says he never had financial problems when he was on Howard Stern and he was a drug addict making a lot less than some of them, so he can't understand how they could blow it all. Opie asks if he knows how much he blew on his drug addiction. "Go to Celebrity Networth. That's how much I should have. But they weren't there when the Broncos didn't cover and the Giants sucked."

-Opie says people on Twitter like to send him pictures of people who look like him. Opie shows one and Artie says it looks like Opie if he was on meth. Artie cuts him off to say "I gotta take a diabetic piss" even though they had just come back from break about 10 minutes ago. DiStefano talks about the night he opened for Artie again and how the crowd hated him and chanted for Artie.

-Artie comes back and talks about how weird it is to be in the Sirius building but not be allowed back in Howard's area. Opie tells him nobody is allowed back there anymore. Opie says he's been back there once, when Tim Sabean took him on a tour when nobody else was there. "I sat in Howard's chair. And I farted." Opie asks Artie why Tim was let go by Howard and he blames Marci Turk. ERock tells a story of Tim throwing cake at a wine cellar in the restaurant near the SXM building. Artie says he was "a bad drinker." They got drunk together in the champagne room of a strip club and Tim went crazy and started spraying a fire extinguisher at the strippers.

-Artie talks about Beetlejuice not understanding what a toilet is so he'll shit anywhere. "If he was in a room with a brand new toilet he'd shit next to it." Artie said Bob Levy would take him on the road and Beetlejuice would shit in his pants right on stage. Chris: "What, to get a laugh?" Artie: "No. Because he's a retarded midget with no teeth." Artie was in the mental hospital with retards who'd eat their shit in front of people, so he's glad Beetlejuice just shits on floors and leaves and doesn't eat it.

-Artie thinks Scott Shannon called him a monster for the tweet he made about the black ESPN reporter. ERock quickly comes back on to deny it because Scott isn't like that. But Artie said it was a famous New York radio personality. Artie says it made him think he's glad his father isn't alive to see how stupid America is about political correctness now. Opie talks about how close ERock is with Scott and Artie asks him if he's the one who convinced him to take his used condom home in his change pocket. Opie says Scott promised he'd come on the afternoon show, but they're still working out when he'd have time. "I hope he comes in. I want to see if his face moves." That's two funny lines from Opie, a new record.

-It dawns on Opie that Bonnie was supposed to be in today. "Fawk, I guess I never got back to her."

-James Murray from Impractical Jokers is on now. Opie tells James they are "rock stars" now. "I remember when you guys were starting out, now you're rock stars." Opie credits The Philly Krew with telling him about the show. Artie tells James how nice they are at least 50 times. Chris says he's traveled with Sal Vulcano and "he gets mobbed like Kanye." Opie lets his kids watch the show. Murray is in to promote the special IJ did with Nitro Circus and says someone got injured during the making the of the show and the accident caused them to start pissing blood. Artie remembers when Nitro Circus did a stunt "that broke the dick of that guy from Jackass." He means Johnny Knoxville but Opie wishes he meant Bam Margera. Opie complains that he wants them all on the show and asks Roland "Why are we good enough for only one Joker?" The interview is very boring. Philadelphia is brought up and Artie talks about how crazy crowds are. James assures him that their fans are families coming together "ages 2 to 70" so there's no craziness. Fuck, this guy is a dullard. Artie ignores him and starts telling crazy Philly sports crowd stories. Artie then talks about how he went golfing with Trump and they bonded over bullying Eli Manning. Another one of the Impractical Jokers named Q calls in and Opie is angry that he'd call but not come in. It turns out he's the one that is pissing blood. He promises Opie they will all come in soon. Spoiler: They didn't.

-Opie says his cleaning people don't like Trump and love to bash him. "They got broken English, but they'll tell you they don't like the Trump."

-Opie claims he floated the idea about bringing Anthony in the building "and got a talking to" when they told him he was still banned. He says "Ant" and Artie thought he meant "the gay comic Ant." Artie is shocked he's allowed in the building since he admitted coming to work high on heroin. Opie says the Sirius higher up told him "Make sure Anthony knows he's still banned from the building." Opie isn't sure if he's banned in the computer or just the guards being told not to admit him. Chris says they should have tried to test that by trying to sneak him in in a Halloween costume yesterday. Opie says his dream is to do a show with Artie, Anthony and Gilbert in the studio.

-The show ends with Opie recapping the Chris DiStefano/Puerto Rican Baby Mama saga. Artie plugs appearing at a Mitch Hedberg tribute show and nobody points out how weird that is. Opie says he and Artie have to go and have "a REAL talk!" about the future.