Nigga, I'm married. The only cootah I get these days is when I cheat.

WAIT WAIT WAIT

That's vulgah

Cut that out

I know for a fact one person didn't and that person is u/Thomas_Daly he never gets any puss

Thomas gets all the puss that Thomas wants. Unfortunately his age range is not as appropriate as we would like.

He couldn't even get a tween if he had a pocket full of candy and fidget spinners

hey nig

That is not true

:D yes it is silly billy

Confirmed to have a pocket full of fidget spinners. 100%

duuude! i was talkin with sum babes, and everything was very groovy, very righteous. but when i talked about jerkin off to hurtcore videos, got some baaaad vibes dude. totally un-gnarly.

but it's all good man - i followed one home, jerked off staring through her window, and beat up her boyfriend when he caught me. cowabunga!

Thank you for your input, Jason.

You mean you got beat up.

Blood meridian is my shit also ma nig

You mean you got beat up.

Nah, he probably headbutted that fucker's fist until it hurt.

yeah; i don't know which was worse: the non-consensual ass fucking, or his incessant monologue about 'dancing bears' and 'bearing witness'

Damn I aint even connect the bearing/bear thing and I read harold bloom

Harold (((Bloom)))? Funny that the only recent writing he likes is Blood Meridian and Gay Mormon Angels in America.

What's hurtcore?

Use your imagination. Then go a bit further.

Lol a man messing with a stove. What a time to be alive.

I sincerely hope she stabs you in your sleep.

I hope you're married to Lorena Bobbitt

no he'd lose his pekka

What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch. I’ll have you know my name is John, and I woke up this morning 5:30 sharp to the smell of wet pussy. I was getting a blowjob from two bitches (Shit was SO Cash), one was trying to fit my humongous 3 pound balls in her mouth while the other was choking halfway on my 18 and 3\8 inch dick. She started to squirt hard, she was convulsing and having 6 orgasms at the same time. I gave it to them and they were on the floor squirting like motherfucking fountains. Must have come about a quart of sperm and compressed air. Imagine your best orgasm, then multiply it by 35. I had to go to base camp so I front-flipped from my 14th floor barracks into my valet parked 2012 Ferrari (I got connexions). Pushed my shit to about 4 hundo (mph, mind you) and I was at base camp in no time. When I entered, I became a top sniper and was granted access to the entire arsenal of the USMC. I learned how to kill someone in over 700 different ways and was assigned to be the leader of a squad that will kill 300 terrorists using gorilla warfare tactics. Also did 6000 push-ups, 8000 sit-ups and bench-pressed 30 plates in 16 minutes. After basic training, I met a network of secret spies who will help me trace your IP address, while eating gold plated sushi and 15,000 $ champagne. My unit got the rest of the day off and I became captain of our base’s football team and starter of the basketball team. I got straight A’s on the military entrance exams and received more awards. Meanwhile, you were jacking off to pictures on Facebook and naked drawn Japanese people. Went back in the Lambo to my barracks and now I am getting ready to go to sleep. I am going to graduate at the top of my class in the Navy Seals tomorrow and I want to look pretty much perfect for it. Don’t be a stranger and remember, I did more in one day than you will your entire life.

I'm sorry you went through the effort.

He's not busy.

I read five words of this

No, I'm a big homo and I fuck man ass

WAIT WAIT WAIT

You fuckin' left the stove on fawkin wait wait wait

What is it fuckin' like

wait

you got sumtin?

I got some sniz

I had a Tinder date last night. Nice gal, but ended up being really shy and Christian so its not going anywhere. Should have ended the date when she said she didnt drink

I never noticed any correlation between "being Christian" and "not fucking." I met some girl on Match and scheduled our 'date' for 9pm, and hour before the bar closed. I did this on purpose so she wouldn't figure out that I'm a dullard. Then I showed up 40 minutes late. We walked out of their 25 minutes later, and as I was walking to apartment I smiled as I saw that she had one of those dumb Jesus stickers on her Toyota RAV4.

I'm so glad I took pics of that night, one of my most prized possessions.

so glad I took pics of that night

and why haven't you PM'd them to me

Did you let your face show your feelings when she said she didn't drink? Or do you have a good pokerface?

Played the good ole pokerface

No but I was knuckle-shufflin' to some LBFM pornographic material. I'm really a big fan of those rascals from Southeast Asia. I view that time of the day as my cultural studies.

Yo man I slays that punanny!

I got a lackluster blowjob if that counts

How did my wife end up at YOUR house? Sounds just like her.

You know me fam I'm taming strange left and right.

You sure are right though about women though!!! Sure can't!! I give you an upvote for that one my friend!!!! Hahahahaha!!!!

Oh, Big Jay...you're incorrigible!

By the way, what e-mail address should I send pics of my dick to?

You talkin' patch, brah?

Smashed the missus last night and this mornen, thank ya vurrah much.

I'm sorry you went through the effort.

Use your imagination. Then go a bit further.

I read five words of this