So, whats the joke on the Opie pic? Looks like a good time to me.

Your posts always get so many laughs and comments, it's easy to see why you keep churning them out.

You should think about selling some of these ideas to Hollywood, don't waste this gold on us.

[School Bell Rings] [Sue Narrating] Madonna. Simply saying the word aloud makes me feel powerful even in voice-over. How I have worshipped her ever since I was a little girl. Sorry, AngieJolie, Catherine the Great. Madonna is the most powerful woman to ever walk the face of the Earth. I'm instating a new policy whereby we play Madonna's greatest hits over the P. A. System quite loudly throughout the entire school day. But blasting her delicious hooks would make it impossible for the students to concentrate. Ah, who cares? Madonna never finished college. She hopped a cab for the bright lights of New York City with 35 bucks in her pocket. And I think we should encourage our pupils to do the same. You say the word, and I will provide you a list of the students I believe should be rounded up and shipped off immediately. I am sorry, Sue. This is insanity! What you call insanity, I call inspiration. Let me break it down for you. It's been the biggest dream of my career to pay homage to Madonna the woman most responsible for my take-no-prisoners demeanor and my subconscious tendency to always be desperately looking for someone named Susan. And now my Cheerios squad this year finally has the talent to make that dream come true. You will not take that dream from me. Do you not understand the blackmail process and how it works? - # ["Justify My Love"] - Smile. I have your wife's phone number on speed dial. To recap, you will be playing those Madonna hits throughout the day at an earsplitting volume. - Understood? - # ["Justify My Love"] - # [Stops] - Santana. - What does your bracelet say? - "W. W. M. D. " "What would Madonna do?" Well, the answer to that question is usually date a younger man. So let's see some arm candy, girls. Sorry, freshmen. You're gonna have to start trolling the middle schools. And you know why? 'Cause if you want to be as riveting a performer as Madonna a skill that will nab us nationals this year you're going to have to start thinking like her, acting like her. Also, a la Madonna I will no longer acknowledge that any of you have last names. BeckyJackson from now on, you're just Becky. You know, it's like Madonna once said "I'm tough, I'm ambitious and I know what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay. " I'm pretty sure she stole that line from one Sue Sylvester. No, really, she stole it from me. I said it first. Palladium. '87. [School Bell Rings] Can I ask you guys something private? Yes, you should move to Israel. It's about dating. Not that I'm dating anyone. We all know that Finn and I are no longer an item and for the sake of the team, I broke up with Jesse. But let's just say I was dating someone. Let's just say, hypothetically, we went to a Wiggles concert last Friday night, and then because my dads weren't home, we went up to my room and started making out. It was erotic and romantic. And then he said We should do it. - "It"? - Totally. Haven't you done it before? No. Have you? What do you think? It's no big deal. For a girl it is. What if then he got really crabby and left and didn't even take home the Care Bear I won him playing Skee Ball? Would you please stop talking? You're grossing out my baby. I just want to be ready. I know I'm getting older and these things are gonna happen someday but how do I stop a guy from getting mad at me for saying "no"? - Just do what I do. Never say "No. " - Oh, totally. I mean, what's the worst that can happen? - Sorry, Quinn. - [ everything, but can't some of us do something else? Like the guy version of Madonna? Like, you know, Pantera? - [Boys Murmuring] - Guysl You know, it's come to my attention that many of you haven't been treating the young ladies of our group very nicely lately. You're disrespectful, bullying, sexist and I hate to say it misogynistic. I have no idea what that means. When I pulled my hamstring, I went to a misogynist. What it means is, put yourself in their shoes for a change. Culturally, Madonna's legacy transcends her music because by and large, the subtext ofher songs are about being strong, independent and-and confident no matter what your sex. But more than anything, Madonna's musical message is about equality. And that is something I think you guys need to work on. Mr. Schue, I don't think we can have an honest conversation about Miss Ciccone without acknowledging that her images are as indelible as her songs. I would like to honor her contributions by tackling a multimedia project with Mercedes. Great. Go for it, Kurt. I'm still not down. And no chick intimidates Puckzilla. I just don't think her music translates to show choir. Really? Well I, for one, couldn't disagree more. [Whispering] Come on, girls! Do you believe in love? 'Cause I got something to say about it, and it goes something like this. # Don't go for second best baby # # Put your love to the test # # You know, you know you've got to # # Make him express how he feels # # And maybe then you know your love is real # # You don't need diamond rings # # Or 18-karat gold # # Fancy cars that go very fast # # You know they never last No, no # # What you need is a big, strong hand # # To lift you to your higher ground # # Make you feel like a queen on a throne # # Make him love you till you can't come down # # Don't go for second best baby # # Put your love to the test # # You know, you know you've got to # # Make him express how he feels # # And maybe then you'll know your love is real # # And when you're gone he might regret it # # Think about the love you once had # # Try to carry on but he just won't get it # - # Hey # - # He'll be back on his knees, so please # # Don't go for second best baby # # Put your love to the test # # You know, you know you've got to # # Make him express how he feels # - # And maybe then you'll know your love is real # - # Your love is real # # You've got to make him express himself # - # Hey, hey, hey, hey # - # Put your love to the test # - # So if you want it right now make him show you how # - # Make him show how he feels # # Express what he's got # # Baby, ready or not # # Express yourself ## That's what I'm talking about. All right! - # ["Burning Up"] - Oh, I look smoking hot. - Guess who I'm dating. - Who? Wes Brody. He's super cute. He plays soccer with my sister. He's seven. Oh! Crap. I need a younger, inferior man. If I don't find one, Coach Sylvester will kick me off the Cheerios for sure. Hello? Finn his birthday's like three days before yours, and he's super dumb. We already tried with Finn, and he hates us. Trust me, the way to get a man to follow you forever!

opie should have been breast feding 12 crying children not getting a double bj by two hotties. wtf

(i think reddit's open until 5pm today...so there's still plenty of time to post your really really original and super cool idea of a photshopped picture of opie breastfeeding. -your 5 year old pals will really love it!

Ant's got a fucking tatoo on his stomach!.......buah-hahahaha hahahahaha hahahahahah ahahah ahahahahah hahahahahahaha hahahahaha

How is it even possible to be this autistic?

Ok, Mister "how is it even possible to be this autistic"! The New Directions are headed to nationals in Los Angeles. Sue gave Mr. Schue an ultimatum. If they don't win, the club is finished. - William Michael Schuester! - He says he knows a championship team when he sees one. - You guys are ready. - Although last time I counted, they don't have enough members. They better scare up three band members stat. Finn led the Glee Club to victory last year, but now they don't have a leader. And they also don't have Rachel or Kurt. Or Santana. Or Brittany. Or Mercedes. Or Rory, the Irish kid. Where'd he go? They're also up against a performing arts school where they don't even take classes and they're all, like, acrobats and contortionists. And that's what you missed on Glee. - Hey, you wanted to see me? - Yeah. Have a seat. I just wanna let you know. Even though I've kind of checked out of school since I'm not going to college, I'm totally committed to Glee Club, you know. I've had Artie and Blaine drilling me, like, nonstop on the rights and lefts of the choreography and I've recruited three hot Cheerios to get us to 12- You don't have to prove yourself to me, Sam. Finn transformed this club when he joined up. He wasn't just the male lead. He was the captain of the football team. He was the coolest kid in school. I mean, a real dude, you know? He was our secret weapon at those competitions. Other schools might have had their version of a Rachel or a Kurt but no one had a Finn. Yeah, he- He made it seem pretty cool. And when he recruited you, he wasn't just looking for another voice in here. He was looking for someone to take his place after he graduated. Someone to help lead all of these wonderful misfits. I'm not Finn, Mr. Schue. Finn was, like, a real leader, you know? And so are you. I'm gonna need you to be that guy when we get to L. A. The kids want you to be that guy. They're all waiting for you to see yourself the way they see you. The new kids love you, and so do the older ones. I'm sure that everything is gonna be fine once we get there. But if the time comes and you need to step up I'm gonna be counting on you to get it done. They're here. - Hey! - Hey, guys. We just wanted to come in and say that, uh Finn really cared about you guys, more than you know. Finn always said that winning nationals was the greatest accomplishment of his life. But I honestly believe that coaching you guys to winning - would have meant even more to him. - Yeah. Now we're not saying go out there and win it for Finn. That wasn't his style. Um-What Finn would have said was this is the time of your lives right now. You're never gonna forget it and in a moment, it's all gonna be over. So no sad faces. No regrets. Just go out there and have a blast and, you know, it'd be okay if you won the damn thing. And the best part about it is that Burt and Carole have agreed to come with us as chaperones. But I think before we go, we need a little mood music to send us off. Brad? Brad? Yes, yes! We love it! We love it! Sorry, sir. Can't release the rooms. Don't look now, but I think someone famous just came in! Even better! It's Mercedes Jones! - I was hoping you'd make it! - Are you crazy? I wouldn't miss this for the world. Ooh, I heard that you got a record contract because either Usher, Kelly Clarkson or Michael Jackson's daddy bought your album in a 7-Eleven parking lot. I was selling my CD, Hell 2 the No, in a parking lot. Now, I ain't gonna lie. Business was whack. But then this Mexican lady bought one. I think she felt sorry for me. Turns out, that Mexican angel on earth was the housekeeper to Kanye West. She gave it to Kanye, who gave it to Kim and she gave it to Ryan Seacrest, who gave it to Sony Records- the Sony Records. Next thing I know, I'm sipping Perrier with a bunch of rich dudes. All right, I like this plan and I love that you guys like my songs. So, yes, I'll write for the artists on your label. But there is a catch, so listen up. In exchange for six songs, I want my own album deal. And I'm talking all the perks, all the P&A that you can muster and two music videos that you pay for. And if it sells, I don't have to do a lame follow-up Christmas album. Hold up. - Is that dog alive? - Oh, it's a faux-huahua. A fake Chihuahua. - Mr. Schue, Mercedes is here! - Oh, hey, Mercedes. - Hi! - I'd like to speak to a manager, please. - What seems to be the problem here? - Well, one hour ago I got a call from Detective Sue Sylvester with the L. A. P. D saying that a 50-year-old Ohio man with a perm had abducted 12 emotionally disturbed teenagers and if he tried to make a reservation, I was to contact the F. B. I. Oh, my God. That's them. - Who? - Do you seriously have no idea who that is? - Do none of you read the show choir blogs? - No, Blaine, we don't. None of us read the show choir blogs. Just you. That's Throat Explosion. And that's their leader, Jean-Baptiste. Jean-Baptiste was born in Quebec to acrobatic parents. He trained at Cirque du Soleil before emigrating to Fort Wayne where he used his French-Canadian circus stylings to turn the entire show choir world upside down. Bonjour! You must be the New Directions. And you must be Blaine. How did you know my name? Show choir blogs. I'm, you know-I'm Sam Evans, and I'm the leader of the New Directions. And I know you guys are all really good and stuff but that's just gonna get us out of our comfort zones and send us over the top. Well, it was really great to meet you, Sam. Best of luck, New Directions. We really can't wait to see your set. And crush you like a bug. Bye! Excuse me. What is with the turtlenecks? - That was tense. - Oh, how I miss the show choir high school drama. Come on. Tell me all about it. Let's go. Like a bug. That was good. He was right in my face. Why didn't I think of that? He smells like a winner. - Another golden day of sunshine here in Los Angeles. - Hey, Marley, it's Ryder. Can I come in for a minute? - Hi. - Hi. - Can I talk to you? - You can come in. Okay. Look, you and me are probably never gonna happen. And, like, I'm slowly accepting that but that doesn't mean I don't care about you. Or that I don't occasionally look at your Facebook page to check your status. Single, and it's going to stay that way. Talking about where you put what your job is. It used to say "Singer-songwriter. " Now it just says "Undecided. " I entered my songs into this contest. And you lost? Worse. I didn't hear back at all. And I took that as-I don't know- a wake-up call. Oh, come on. That's only one contest. Actually, I've entered a bunch of contests, Ryder. Anyway what's so wrong with joining Accounting Club when we get back? Uh- I'll tell you one thing. I think, uh, Accounting Club interferes with Glee Club. Now, hold on. Are you planning on quitting Glee Club? I didn't want to let anyone down. And since this is going to be my swan song, I just want it to be fun. So, please, don't tell anyone. Are you sure we should be doing this? - I mean, if we get caught- - Oh, just go! Trust me, when I was in the Warblers sneaking onto stage the night before a show was tradition. We had other traditions, but I can't really speak about 'em. We're not doing anything wrong. We're just, you know getting a feel for the layout of the stage- our stage. So should we sing a song or hold hands or say a prayer or something? Because if I'm being honest, these ghost lights kind of freak me out. All right, everybody, circle up. I have a surprise. Finn Hudson made us a promise at the beginning of the year- that we were all going back to nationals together. Even when we lost sectionals, which was totally not Marley's fault Finn told us that it wasn't over. He said that we'd be right here, together. Now, maybe you're thinking, "Finn isn't here. " Well, he is. I made sure of it. Well, well! Les Directions Nouveau! Uh, apparently, we had the same plan for an illegal midnight rehearsal. - "We"? You're alone. - Am I? Existentially, yes, Blaine. Perhaps we are all alone. But tonight- Tonight, this stage belongs to us from midnight until dawn. You see, I called in a few show choir favors. So, we'll just give you three minutes to gather your feelings and leave. Who is that? Your spirit guide? Dolph, enough. Have some respect. Look, everyone knows you're that show choir. And everyone knows it's been a very rough year for you. And now everyone is just waiting and watching you. Tonight, you have our condolences, New Directions. But let's just be very, very clear. Tomorrow, you will not have our mercy, pity or restraint. We are Throat Explosion. Expect us! Seven, eight! - How'd you learn how to do that? - Have you met my son Kurt? I cannot believe this is our last competition. I am not ready for this to end. - Do not start crying again. - I'm not gonna cry. It's just that some of my best memories from Glee are these competitions. Yeah, well, you know what? That's why guys love playing sports so much. It's not so much about the winning and the losing. It's about going to war with your buddies. You know? The camaraderie. That's right. That's why you see a bunch of 50-year-old men humping around a softball field or playing flag football. They're trying to re-create that feeling they're never gonna get back. Oh, my God, yes! That's it. Ugh. It's so depressing. I can't believe this is our last competition. My life's gonna be so empty from now on. At least you get to have one. Oh, my God. I can't believe I said that. I am so sorry. No. It's okay. I'm sorry. That was totally insensitive of me. - Tina always does this. - No, no, no. It's fine, honey, really. You didn't do anything wrong. You know what, guys? Why don't you go? You go, uh- You go practice or something and I'll have Carole finish up the sewing and I'll drop the dress by your room, okay? Relax. Don't eat anything from the minibar. It's expensive. If you want something, go down to the 7-Eleven!

Here's what you missed. Puck's got a thing for Lauren. She's not down with it. - I don't think you're ready for this jelly. - Finn kissed Quinn who's supposed to be dating Sam, and Rachel kissed Finn too but he didn't feel the fireworks. - The cheek? - Can you believe that? Sue tried to shoot Brittany out of a cannon to win nationals but the only thing she won was Katie Couric's Loser of the Year. I hate you, Diane Sawyer. That's what you missed on Glee. I actually learned something in my Spanish class today. "Regresar. " Who knows what that means? "To come back. " That's right. I realized the old Will Schuester was back. Glee Club's going to regionals, we got all of Sue's Cheerios money I'm past Terri, I'm over Emma. "Come back. " Now, if we're gonna put it Will. It's an emergency. Becky Jackson opened Sue's journal and found this. "Good-bye, cruel world"? She could be dead by now. It's weird the door's open. Sue? Sue? No? All right. Oh. - Sue. - All right. Oh, Sue. Sue. - Wake up, Sue. Sue, wake up. - I don't feel a pulse. She doesn't have a pulse. Yeah, I do. I just stopped my own heart. It's my C. I. A. training. These gummy vitamins didn't work at all. I was told you take enough vitamin "A," and you drift off into a blissful oblivion. Instead my face just got really hot, and my jaw's sore from all that chewing. I have nothing to live for. That's not untrue. Emma, we did not come here to give her a pep talk. I'm sorry, Sue, but you brought this on yourself. I am well aware of my situation, Will. After my humiliating failure to qualify for nationals there is nothing for me or my Cheerios to do for the rest of the year. Why don't you do what other cheer squads do? Namely cheer for the teams at the school. Yeah, like that's gonna happen. Emma, let's go. Sue, you are nasty, manipulative and petty. Will you have more grease in your hair than the guy behind WikiLeaks. Oh. I for one am not gonna play backup at your little pity party. Take it easy, Sue. Hey. Hi. So I wanted to confirm our date on Friday at Color Me Mine. Wait. You were serious about that? It's painting coasters time. So, we good for Friday? Yeah, I think so. I mean, I don't think I have anything else to do. Cool. Things have been weird slnce Quinn got mono a couple weeks ago. Everyone keeps telling me that she must have kissed Finn but I believe it when she told me what really happened. I didn't kiss Finn, Sam. I saved his life. He's not breathing! I totally almost choked on a gum ball once. I know she's into me. Just get the feeling that I'm losing her. I can't let that happen. Quinn's the best thing that's happened to me since I got to this school. But how? Of course. My dad always said there are two ways to get a woman to love you: Take her hunting and rock and roll. I knew what I had to do. I mean, who's more rock and roll than Justin Bieber? No one. That's who. The hair was step one. Step two was booking a couple of bat mitzvah gigs to test how my new one-man band would go over. Hey. I'm The Justin Bieber Experience. # Baby, baby, baby, oh # # Like baby, baby, baby # # No # # Like baby, baby, baby, oh # Heads up, Quinn Fabray. You're about to be hit head-on with the full blond Bieber. Hey, Brittany. We need to talk. Why are my leg warmers on your arms? - I got cold. - But no, we had a deal, okay? As I explained, I am in the midst of a career resurgence, okay? I am done with boys, and I am concentrating fully on my career now. The only way to make a complete comeback is to dominate popular discussion. Maybe launch a trend or two. I gave you half of my allowance so you could take a signature look of mine and make it popular. And we decided that leg warmers were more likely to catch on than reindeer sweaters. Yes, precisely. But it won't work if you insist on wearing them incorrectly. I didn't realize that there were rules. Of course there are rules. Look. They're leg warmers. Well, can I wear them that way tomorrow? I wore a tank top today because I thought it was summer. - No one ever taught me how to read a calendar. - Fine. Fine. And when people ask you who gave you the inspiration for your new accessory you're gonna say, "I'm just copying" - I'm just copying Rachel Berry. - Fantastic. You know how I feel about hats! Just 'cause. None of you should be making eye contact with me. Get out! Go! Get used to this abuse, Glee kids! I got nothing but time. Nothing but time. I think she's dangerous. Idle hands are the devil's playthings. I mean, Sue's got nothing to do now which means it's only a matter of time before she starts coming after the Glee Club. Hey, Will, Esmé. So sorry for not being sorry for interrupting. But would you mind if I borrowed one of your rafters so I could hang myself? I did a test run back in my office, and you know what? There's asbestos up there, and that can kill a person. Sue, sit. Now, I understand you're upset but life is beautiful. Are you gonna tell me there hasn't been one moment since your epic decline that you haven't felt yourself feel good about something? Well, yes, Will. As a matter of fact there was- there was one moment. I was driving to work this morning in my Le Car and Charlene's "I've Never Been to Me" came on the radio. And when it got to the chorus I just opened my mouth and belted it out with her. And I have to say, it felt really good. Sue should join the Glee Club. - I'm sorry? - I'd rather be dead. Yes. She should- I mean, you can't join, but she can sit in. Yes. Will. Look. Sue is in a really bad place right now. And you're always talking about the healing power of music. There are studies that show it helps with depression it elevates the mood. I have a pamphlet. Emma, I don't think this is a good idea at all. I agree with SpongeHair SquareChin. It's a stupid idea. The football team did it for a spell, and that really brought people together, Will. And this is a great chance for you to keep your eye on Sue. You know, make sure the old gal's okay. Well, you know what, folks, at this point, to alleviate my crippling depression I'd do anything. - This cannot be happening. - This seems like a terrible idea. Guys, it's not up for discussion. Okay? Now, it's no secret that Coach Sylvester has taken her licks. I mean, just wanky. And I believe she could use a little sympathy from us. Sympathy? From us? Uh-uh. Yeah, all she's ever done is make our lives miserable. She got exactly what she deserved. You're lucky I left my blowgun at home, air bags 'cause I got a clear shot at your nonnies. Guys. Coach Sylvester has had her recent setbacks, but she is a proven champion. Now, we could do worse than to have that kind of a winning record in our midst. Let me break it down for you. I am no longer a threat to you people, all right? I'm just hoping that your singing and dancing around will pull me out of my doldrums and give me a reason to live. Is that too much to ask? Guys, it's settled. Sue's gonna be with us for the week. Now, I received an envelope in the mail today. - We know that we're facing Kurt and the Warblers at regionals. - Sweet Porcelain. And it looks like this year we face Aural Intensity again. They cleaned our clock last year. Seems like the governing board has assigned a theme to this year's regionals and part of our score will be based upon how well we interpret it. This year's theme: Anthem. Now, who can tell us what an anthem is? It's the bottom of an ant's pants. So close. So close. No. An anthem is an epic song filled with a- a groundswell of emotion that somehow seems bigger than itself even bigger than the person performing it. - Mr. Schue. - Oh, hey, Sam. I didn't even notice your new haircut. Yeah. I've been working on a new image to go with my new one-man band, The Justin Bieber Experience. You've got to be kidding me. Dude, that haircut makes your mouth look even bigger. Let her speak. Laugh all you want, but that kid's an epic talent and there's a number I've been working on that I've been wanting to show off. And I think it qualifies as an anthem, because it's just hugely emotional and sums up our generation. All right. Let's hear it, buddy. I'm offended. He'll be good. # Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh # # Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh # # Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh # # You know you love me I know you care # # Just shout whenever and I'll be there # # You want my love You want my heart # - # And we will never, ever # - This is actually a really good song. # Be apart # # Are we an item? # - Whoo! - # Girl, quit playin' # - Whoo! - # "We're just friends"? What are you saying? # # Say there's another and look right in my eyes # # My first love broke my heart for the first time # # And I was like baby, baby, baby, oh # # Like baby, baby, baby, no # # Like baby, baby, baby, oh # # I thought you'd always be mine # # Oh, oh, oh For you, I would have done whatever # - Whoo! - # And I just can't believe we ain't together # # And I want to play it cool, but I'm losing you # # I'll buy you anything I'll buy you any ring # - Ooh! - # And I'm in pieces # # Baby, fix me # # And just shake me till you wake me from this bad dream # # I'm going down, down, down, down # # And I just can't believe my first love won't be around # # And I'm like baby, baby, baby, oh # # Like baby, baby, baby, no # # Like baby, baby, baby, oh # # I thought you'd always be mine # # I'm gone # # Now I'm all gone # # Now I'm all gone # # Now I'm all gone # # Gone, gone # # I'm gone ## The Biebster. I gotta get that girl on my Cheerios. We want in. - In what? - The Justin Bieber Experience. We want in the band. - But it's a one-man band. - So, expand. I don't get it.

If you think anyone in their right mind is going to read that, you really do have a serious case of Asperger's.

I know you have a problem Rich, so this might help: McKinley's doing West Side Story, and everyone's excited, especially Coach Beiste and Emma and Artie, because they're the directors. Blaine got the lead, and so did Rachel, which made Mercedes quit and join Shelby's Troubletones with Santana and Brittany. Mike Chang's playing Riff, even though his dad told him he can't be a dancer. Riff is perfect for you. I think he wants him to go to doctor college or something. * * Mister Voss, that's what you missed!! (school bell ringing) ARTIE: You see this face? This is what enlightenment looks like. It doesn't matter if he's in prison like Gandhi, or trapped inside a woman's body like Chaz Bono, or stuck in a wheelchair like me, when a man finds his calling, all is right in his world. I still ve performing, but thanks to Mr. Shue and the school musical, I've finally discovered my true passion bossing everyone around. I mean directing. The key to being a director is having opinions about everything. No. Even stuff you have no id. No. I think it's great. Go. Definitely. Really? That's it. No. That's it. (groans) ARTIE: I'm both sad and happy that the musical is just days away. ("Tonight" begins) Tonight, tonight It all began tonight I saw you and the world went away Tonight, tonight, there's only you tonight What you are, what you do, what you say Today, all day I had the feeling A miracle would happen I know now I was right For here you are And what was just a world is a star Tonight Are you going to cry every time we sing? I'm such a girl. My only note is more teeth. Can I be honest? This song is about sexual awakening, as is the entire musical. You two lack passion. Have either of you two actually? Wow, okay. I have to go. Because I have Those footballs aren't going to inflate themselves. I'm out of here. Let's go. Look, I remember my first time with Brittany. The excitement, the way it made me feel like a man even though she called me the wrong name like four times, during and after. What was it like for you guys? Um I'm, I'm waiting for the right time. Yeah. Yeah, me-me, too. I'm so glad that you're my Tony. Look as your friend I support your strange aversion to fun. But as your director, I'm concerned. I'm, I'm sorry, what do you mean? Well, how do you expect to convey the human perience to an audience when you haven't even opened yourself up to one of humanity's most basic and primal ones? By Mikhel for Subtitulos. es Glee S03E05 "The First Time" (bell ringing) Um one over there. Um So, you, um you still haven't told me who you're ving for yet. Well, I haven't decided. Kurt's my brother. It's kind of hard to vote against your brother. Well, I mean, you can't do this with your brother. Not unless you live in Kentucky. (giggles) What's gotten into you? Nothing. It's just the confidence of success. I mean, I sold out the April Rhodes Auditorium for three shows, Jacob Ben Israel's poll have me in tied for first place in the presidential race, and I have the hottest guy in school. I hope that my radiance isn't too much for you. It won't be after Friday night. What's Friday night? That is the day that the recruiter from Ohio State is coming. They're looking for a new quarterback. Really? That's amazing! Yeah, I know. You you're not pissed? No. No, of course not. It's not like NYADA has a football team. It's really happening. You know, our dreams are coming true, and we're growing up. I know. And hey, I was thinking. Um, Burt and my mom are out canvassing all week and I have the house to myself. Maybe you could come over. To your house? I'll be there at 6:00. Oh, boy. (Roxy Music plays loudly) God. Roxy Music makes me want to build a time machine just so I can go back to the '70s and give Brian Ferry a high five. Do you think I'm boring? Are you crazy? You're the single most interesting kid in all of Ohio. I mean, like sexually. I mean, we are playing it very safe by not granting our hands visas to travel south of the equator. Oh, I-I thought that's what we wanted. It is. I'm just wondering, have you ever had the urge just to rip off each other's clothes and get dirty? Uh, yeah. But that's why they invented masturbation. It's so hot in this room. Could we, could we open up a window? Hey, I'm serious. We're young. We're in high school. Yeah, we have urges, but whatever we do, I want to make sure that you're comfortable. So I can be comfortable. And besides, tearing off all of your clothes is sort of a tall order. Because of the layers? Because of the layers. Man, I love to weld. Clearly. Coach, I'm concerned. Why did you run out of rehearsal the other day when we started talking about S-E-X? Artie, this conversation is totally inappropriate. Wait. Have you never? Why? Have you just never found the right person? Guy. I like guys. And no, I haven't found him. All right, I'll play. There's this one gentleman. He's the bee's knees. His name's Cooter Mankins. He's a recruiter for Ohio State. He's beautiful. He makes me feel like a girl but he's not interested. You're a hell of a coach, Coach. So much talent. I'm famished. Want to go get some lunch? Nah. But you can have the rest of my chili. There's nothing left but gristle and a few beans, but it eats pretty good. So, anyway, that's my type. Not that it matters. (bell tolling) (Billy Joel's "Uptown Girl" begins) Oh-oh-oh-oh Uptown girl Uptown girl She's been living in her white bread world White bread world As long as anyone with hot blood can Hot blood can And now she's looking for a downtown man Downtown man That's what I am And when she knows What she wants from her time And when she wakes up And makes up her mind She'll see I'm not so tough Just because I'm in love With an uptown girl You knoI can't afford to buy her pearls But maybe someday when my ship comes in She'll understand what kind of guy I've been And then I'll win And when she's walking She's looking so fine And when she's talking She'll say that she's mine She'll say I'm not so tough Just because I'm in love With an uptown girl She's been living in her white bread world As long as anyone with hot blood can And now she's looking for a downtown man That's what I am Oh-oh-oh-oh Uptown girl She's my uptown girl Don't you know I'm in love With an uptown girl Uptown girl My uptown girl Don't you know I'm in love With an uptown Girl. (laughs) You guys killed it, as always! We'd sound so much better with you back in the mix. Is this your triumphant return to Dalton? Please? Actually, I'm here to invite you guys to my opening night at McKinley. West Side Story. I reserved a whole block of tickets just for the Warblers. It would mean the world to me if you guys could come. We'll be there. Once a Warbler, always a Warbler, right? (hooting, cheering) Blaine Anderson. Sebastian Smythe. Hi. Are you a freshman? Do I look like a freshman? Uh (bell tolling) So you're a legend at Dalton. Well, I Don't be modest. I was like, "I don't know who this Blaine guy is, "but apparently he's sex on a stick and sings like a dream. So sucks that I missed him. " All right. Since I'm working to recreate your meteoric ascent, I-I need to ask. Why did you leave Dalton? Were you bored with all the preppies around here? Or is it that you broke too many hearts to stay? ("A Boy Like That" begins) A boy like that, who'd kill your brother Forget that boy and find another One of your own kind Stick to your own kind (laughs) Uh, it wasn't like that. Let's just say that I miss Dalton every day, but McKinley is where my heart is, now. A boy like that wants one thing only And when he's done, he'll leave you lonely He'll murder your love; he murdered mine Just wait and see Just wait, Maria Just wait and see Oh, no, Anita, no, Anita, no It isn't true, not for me It's true for you, not for me I hear your words, and in my head I know they're smart But my heart, Anita But my heart knows they're wrong You should know better You were in love, or so you said You should know better. I have to go to lacrosse practice, but could we meet again? I could really use some more insights from you, Blaine. You know, Warbler to Warbler. Sure. (bell ringing) Hey, dude, I got a question for you. I thought they were my sneakers. BOTH: What? No, no, look, I figured since you have some more experience than I do, you could recommend a brand of condom. Are you cheating on Rachel, dude? Because if you are, that is not cool. And that's coming from me. No. I want to use them with Rachel. Oh. I'm happy for you, dude, and her. I always thought it would be me, but secretly hoped it'd be you. As for the condoms, no idea never used them. It's worked out for me about 99% of the time. (blows whistle) Gather round! You all know Cooter Mankins. Best eye for talent in the country if you ask me. Which is why I spend so much time with you, Coach. Hey, are those new tube socks? I got a whole new six-pack if you need to borrow a pair. (clears throat) All right, this Friday night I will be in the stands watching you play. And I'm not looking for boys to play for the Buckeyes. I'm looking for men. (bell ringing) If you see any of Rachel's campaign posters feel free to tear them down. Do you think we're too sheltered as artists? I'm serious. West Side Story's all about living outside of your safe little world. Don't you want to wake up every day and be adventurous? Experience everything in life you can? Of course, it's why I made a bucket list. Okay, you ready for this? Okay. All right, here you go. Number 87: become CEO of Logo. Of course. Number 63: lay a rose at the birthplace of Noel Coward. Okay, number five. All right, this one's really embarrassing. I wrote this before I met you.

There is no fucking way you're not mentally ill.

How are you even a person?

This might help answer your question: Jake saw Ryder and Marley kiss, and even though she's super skinny and super beautiful, Kitty's got Marley convinced that she's gaining weight. The stage always adds at least ten pounds. And that's what you missed on Glee. The Secret Society of Superheroes Club is now in session. It is the purpose of this club to fight injustice, to right all that which is wrong, and to preserve truth, justice and peace in the halls of McKinley High. First order of business roll call. Go. Asian Persuasion here. My superpower is being the mistress of manipulation. Blond Chameleon here. My superpower is I can impersonate anybody. George W. Bush, heh. Tarantula Head here. My superpower is lashing you with my dreads. Sweet 'n' Spicy, here. My superpower is money. Second order of business inducting new members into our ever-swelling ranks. Candidates, come forth. Excited to be here, Blaine. First of all, there are no civilian identities in here, okay? I am Nightbird the Nocturnal Avenger. And second of all, I really hope you're not trying to pass yourself off as a certain telepathic leader of a certain group of superhuman mutants because that would be a copyright violation. Uh, I'm Dr. Y and my superpower is wheelies? Welcome, Dr. Y. Next. I'm Queen Bee and I can sting like a bitch. Welcome, Queen Bee. Next. I'm the Human Brain. Welcome, Human Brain. What's this? A text just came through on my NightPhone. "Have you talked to Kurt?" I already told you, Asian Persuasion, this account is only supposed to be for emergencies, and you cannot use your powers of manipulation to coax me into getting back with my ex, so stop trying. What is it, Chai Tea? Emergency in the choir room. To the choir room. Someone took your Nationals trophy and left that laptop in its place. Who leaves a laptop? Someone rich, someone who wanted to send us a message. I got this. Greetings, New Directions! You have been living as national champions on borrowed time, and that ends now. We have your trophy. Soon we'll have your title as well. The great reckoning is at hand Sectionals. Your move. So, are you jumping on this superhero bandwagon? A club where you have to wear full-body spandex? Not really my thing. Good, that means you'll be free to hang out Friday night you and me. What do you say? Um I Marley's got plans on Friday, dude. The football team's got an away game at Lawrence, and I asked her if she'd come cheer us on. See, Jake, it's funny. Girls don't like it when you make it seem like you're really into them and then totally blow them off. You know what, dude? I don't remember asking for your opinion. Guys, don't do this. Whoa. Whoa, you're really intimidating. Let me ask you a question what kind of a name is Ryder Lynn anyway? 'Cause it sounds like your parents named you after a cowgirl doll who comes with her own pony. Look, man, I don't want any trouble. I know you're a badass. You want to know how I know you're such a badass? Because you ride a Razor Scooter. Nothing says "I'm a badass" like a Razor Scooter. Guys, please, don't do this. It this is this is stupid. Stop. Hey, hey, cut it out. Stop. Come on, stop, stop it. Stop. Cut it out. Come on. I persuade you to stop fighting immediately. Freeze, bitches. Thanks, Becky, both you guys. Glee Club, 20 minutes. Okay, guys, sit down. We got a lot of work to do today. No, seriously, come on, I mean it, sit down. Okay, so the first order of business today is to welcome the newest members to the glee club Ryder and Kitty. Wait, don't we all get to vote on her or something? Well, Tina, Kitty was fantastic in Grease. In spite of my god-awful part. Besides, we're under the gun. We we have to go to Sectionals next week and we need 12 members to compete. Oh, well, then, just call Santana back from Kentucky again 'cause apparently she's better than anyone who's actually enrolled here. Look, Tina, not now. Uh, look, where was I? Sectionals, yes. Here's the game plan. Broke the marker. Where does Mr. Shue keep the other markers? Uh Screw it. Uh The theme is "Foreigner. " We're gonna sing songs by Foreigner in foreign languages, wearing all the costumes of the world's nations. Wait, seriously, that's your idea? Yeah. Kiki, what do you think? I think I'm alive and you're the machine. Finn, times have changed. We're national champions now, which means we have to exceed all expectations, so if that's your best idea, I I don't think we stand a chance. Wait, where are you going? I'm going to get our trophy back from the Warblers the one you haven't even noticed is missing. Crap, uh So, who exactly are you supposed to be? I'm the Beiste Master. Blaine said I couldn't be faculty advisor unless I dressed up once a week, so I'm from the planet Testostergen, I can digest any known substance and cry at the drop of a hat, and, hey, I'm not kidding about that last part. Last night I teared up at an Activia commercial. This is just all so ridiculous. Oh, come on, pumpkin, this is fun. Yeah, it's no wonder superheroes are all the rage. Putting on a mask is like getting up onstage. It gives you the freedom to be the person you secretly aspire to be, and if you ask me, the world could use a few more heroes. So, what's bugging you, kiddo? You seem blue. It was my first lesson in Glee Club today, and it was a total disaster. What happened? I don't know. I mean, the lesson that I planned was awesome. I I think it's just that the the glee club doesn't see me as an adult. God, is that what coffee tastes like? How do people drink that? I'm just spitballing here, but maybe you should invest in a pair of tights. You know, Clark Kent was an awesome guy, but it was Superman who inspired everyone. Be their hero, Finn. I'm just saying. Sebastian. Of course it was you. No, it wasn't, I swear. I turned over a new leaf, remember? No more bullying, blackmail or assault this year. That must be boring for you. Yeah, it is; Being nice sucks. He's waiting for you in the library. Who is? The guy you're here to see. Captain of the Warblers. I thought you were captain of the Warblers. I knew they'd send you. Allow me to answer the obvious questions. I'm Hunter Clarington, I am the new captain of the Warblers, and I'm not even remotely bi-curious. How are you captain of the Warblers when? When you've never seen me before? Simple. Dalton just gave me a full scholarship to move here from Colorado Springs, where I led my military academy choir to a Regionals victory with presidential honors. Now I'm here to kick it up a notch, and that starts with you. That's very intimidating. Where's the trophy, Hunter? Don't worry, it's safe. It was just bait after all. See, you're kind of a legend here. I like that. So here's my offer: Your little diversity club can have its Nationals trophy back when you rejoin the Warblers. And why would I ever leave McKinley? Why would you stay? I heard you only went there to be with Kurt, right? In fact, I hear they even call you Blaine Warbler. They know you don't belong there, - so why don't you? - We all know the real Blaine, Blaine ambitious, driven. You're a Dalton boy. Present the blazer. That's not going to work on me. Then why be afraid to try it on? Here's the thing, Blaine. You know that Nationals trophy was a fluke, just like you know we're going to win at Sectionals. Now, I don't want to see a Dalton legend like you sidelined in his senior year. I want you on the winning side, here with us. You know what goes great with a new Dalton blazer? An impromptu song. What? No, no. Oh, come on, one song for your old buddies. Guys, I didn't come here to sing a song. Oh, oh-oh Will you love, will you love, will you love? Oh, oh-oh, oh, oh Will you love? Will you love, will you love? There's a place That I know It's not pretty there And few have ever gone And if I show it to you now Will it make you run away Or will you stay? Even if it hurts Even if I try to push you out Will you return And remind me who I really am? Please remind me who I really am Everybody's got a dark side Do you love me? Can you love mine? Nobody's a picture perfect But we're worth it, you know that we're worth it Will you love me? Will you love, will you love, will you love? Even with my dark side? Will you love, will you love? Will you love? Don't run away, don't run away Don't run away Just promise me you will stay Promise me you will stay Promise me you will stay Promise me you will stay Will you love me With my dark side? Oh, whoa Everybody's got a dark side Do you love me? Can you love mine? Nobody's a picture perfect But we're worth it, you know that we're worth it Will you love me? Will you love, will you love, will you love? Even with my dark side? Will you love, will you love, will you love? Don't run away Don't run away. What'd I tell you? Flawless. Keep it. It's already yours. Don't you think it's time you came back where you belong Blaine Warbler? Okay. Oh, dear God. So, I-I get it my first idea was pretty bad. Worse than funk. Worse than "Night of Neglect. " So I decided to try something new "Dynamic" Duets. " This is gonna be a lot more fun, and it focuses on something you guys actually like: Oh, so wait are we all gonna have to wear costumes? And who exactly are you supposed to be? The Bulge, who makes gym socks disappear? Please don't melt us with your bulge. Well, I am the almighty Treble Clef, Uniter of Glee Clubs. Jesus is the only real almighty superhero. Amen. Nobody asked you. Come on, guys, let's hear him out. Thanks. Look at the Avengers. Individually, they all have amazing powers, but as a team, they cannot be stopped. Right now, we're a bunch of individuals with great powers and talents, but we're not a team. Some of you even have mortal enemies in this very room, allowing the Dark Side to turn us against each other, when we should be focused on the Warblers. Nightbird is handling the missing trophy. Great. Thank you, Nightbird.

0/10 please leave.

I know you are very upset, reddit.com/u/NormMcdongloads ,so this might help calm you down my little bitch: Santana thought that Brody was a drug dealer He's not a drug dealer. but it turns out he's a gigolo. And Santana figured it out and told Finn Pack your bags. so Finn went to New York, beat the crap out of Brody and told him to Stay away from my future wife! And Rachel has no idea any of this is going on. Yikes. Will's still mad at Finn for kissing Emma I'm so sorry. Sorry's not going to cut it. so Finn left the glee club to go to college to become a teacher, and Blaine's got a crush on Sam, which he's had every since the Sadie Hawkins dance, but Sam just thinks that he and Blaine are besties, which they totally are, but still And that's what you missed on Glee! Here. Don't tell anyone and you don't have to thank me. Dude, what are you doing? It's only 50 bucks. Just take the money. I know what you've been up to, and it just has to stop. What are you talking about? Last week, I found a shortcut between my locker and the parking lot walking through the cafeteria cuts out 15 seconds from my daily routine and yesterday I saw something. Listen, I know your dad's been struggling, and I just want to help. Help you feed your family. Hunger's a big problem in this country. Although so is obesity, which is confusing. Okay, can you promise to keep a secret? Yeah, of course. I have been stealing pasta. But it's not for dinner. It's it's art. So what do you think? Are those macaroni portraits? They're my guilty pleasure. My art teacher thinks I'm some sort of a genius, like the ugly guy in Shine except with macaroni. Is this Emma Stone? Yeah. And then you got LeAnn Rimes, Ralph Macchio. Those are the guys from Duck Dynasty. I even did Kurt. The macaroni really captures him. Thank you for sharing this with me. This is really incredible. Whoa, whoa, not so fast. Now it's your turn. So My turn for what? For your guilty pleasure. I I don't have a guilty pleasure. Okay, you're lying. Everybody's got that one thing that they like that they're so ashamed of that they refuse to admit it to anybody. I love Wham! What? The band Wham! They're like my favorite band of all time. Hi, guys. Hey, Tina. Hey, Tina. Did you hear the news? Mr. Shue is out with the flu this week. Hey, uh, just curious. Are you gonna go over to his house and straddle him while he's passed out and rub some ointment on chest? That's was a phase. Anyway, don't bother coming to Glee Club this week. It's canceled. Not necessarily. Why are we here? I thought Mr. Shue was sick. Yeah, why are we here? I was wondering the same thing. Oh, come on, guys. Regionals is only a few weeks away. Even without an adviser, we can't afford to miss one week of preparation. Which is why Blaine and I asked you all to come here. We have come up with an assignment for this week. Please be songs about sweaters. Huh? Guilty pleasures. Come on! We all have some musical shame. You know what I'm talking about. You know, that secret love we dare not speak, but when it comes out on the radio, you can't help but turn up the volume and sing along? Yeah, and we're supposed to sing one of those songs for regionals? No. Sam and I were speaking earlier, just, like, shooting the crap like two bros do, you know, and we felt really safe with each other. So we decided to reveal our guilty pleasures. And it felt amazing. I mean, letting go of this big secret made me feel so good. And figured if we all share musical shame with each other, we could all become a more cohesive team for regionals. Unique knows no shame, baby. So, besides Unique, does anybody else have something they would like to share? Guys, this is a great team-building exercise. Okay, well, then you guys go first. We thought instead of telling you, we could show you! You put the boom-boom into my heart You send my soul sky-high when your loving starts A jitterbug into my brain Yeah, yeah! It goes bang-bang-bang till my feet do the same Something's bugging me, something ain't right My best friends told me what you did last night Uh, uh You left me sleeping in my bed Uh, uh I was dreaming, but I should have been with you instead Wake me up before you go-go Don't leave me hanging on like a yo-yo Wake me up before you go-go I don't want to miss it when you hit that high Wake me up before you go-go 'Cause I'm not planning on going solo Wake me up before you go-go Take me dancing tonight I want to hit that high Yeah-eah, yeah-eah Yeah, yeah, yeah! Baby Whoo! Jitterbug Cuddle up, baby, move in tight We'll go dancing tomorrow night It's cold out there, but it's warm in bed They can dance, we'll stay at home instead Wake me up before you go-go, don't you dare Don't you leave me hanging on like a yo-yo Wake me up before you go-go I don't want to miss it when you hit that high Take me dancing, I want to go-go Wake me up before you go-go Oh 'Cause I'm not planning on going solo I want to go-go-go Wake me up before you go-go Take me dancing tonight Wake me up before you go-go 'Cause I'm not planning on going solo Yeah Wake me up before you go-go Yeah Take me dancing tonight Oh, wake me up! Guess what? Hi. Everyone hates you. Excuse me? Maybe that's why nobody wants to work with you. I'm trying to change, but my pastor says even Jesus took baby steps. Do you go to the Church of Satan? Because you're really mean. You tell Marley that she's fat even though your face looks like a soccer ball, and we both know that blonds have magical powers, like doing the splits or turning Swedish. You need to use your magical powers for good and not evil. And that is why I'm inviting you to take off your Joker mask and bare your soul for the world to see. What on God's good earth are you talking about? Fondue for Two Hey! Fondue for Two That's some hot dish Fondue for Two! Tonight's guest is McKinley High's biggest bitch, the girl with the weird lizard ears, Kitty. Mm that cat has about three weeks to live and this fondue smells like hot acrid barf. Thank you so much. So, Kitty, everyone at school hates you because you're a two-faced lying slut who no one can trust. True. And yet everyone keeps telling me their secrets, so I must be doing something right. Touché. I think the problem is that people haven't gotten to know you yet. So tonight, you, me and Lord Tubbington are gonna tell our deepest darkest secrets. You tell me your guilty pleasures and I'll tell you mine. Go. Guilty pleasure? Mm. I like to fart around old people and watch the look on their faces 'cause they just assume they did it. That's awesome. Me, too. Okay, guilty pleasure. When I look at a white dog or cat, I assume that they're racist. Lord Tubbington's guilty pleasure is Scientology. Guilty pleasure. Bring it on. Guilty pleasure. Bring it on again. Guilty pleasure. Bring it on, all or nothing. Bring it on, in it to win it. Bring it on, fight to the finish. That one's horrible. There's no way you could like that. Guilty pleasure! No, I can't say. No, you can't do that. Come on. This is the safe space. We're on the Internet. No. No. It's too horrible. Can you whisper it in my ear? Oh, my God. See, everybody, by acting out our secret shames, like Carly's traumatic sense-memory of potty training, we become more vulnerable as actors. Kurt, you're up. You want to see some real acting? You're looking at it, because this is nothing compared to my real guilty secrets. And as a gay man, there are so many to pick from. Like my obsessive marathons - of powerhouse women- Golden Girls, Murder She Wrote, Moonlighting, Designing Women. Or my very private Sweatin' to the Oldies sessions on DVD with the uncompromising Richard Simmons. But my most secret, my most guilty pleasure of late? My boyfriend arm. I ordered it online one night while on Ambien. Yes, I know it's a little bit Jeffrey Dahmer, but what can I say? I love being held in Bruce's warm, non-judgmental embrace. And yes, I named him Bruce. That's my real guilty secret. And if anyone ever found out, especially Adam, or God forbid, Blaine, or even Rachel and Santana, it would totally destroy me. Dude, put some pants on. I need to talk to you. So, lately I've I've been battling a really deep-seeded sense of shame about something in my life, and it's a secret I've kept buried for as long as I can remember. Really? Yeah, and I've been waiting to, like, let it out and release this inner sin that's tortured my insides. Do-do you have feelings for me? What? Dude, no, come on. What? Obvious-obviously, I'm kidding. I'm just It's a million times worse than that. Well, until you can speak it, you're gonna be stuck in this shame spiral forever, so Hey, you can you can trust me. You can tell me anything. I like Barry Manilow. What? I said I like Barry Manilow. No, no, no, you can't-you can't say that in a locker room. I know, I know, I know, but see, I just relate to his stories: The-the breakups, the lost love. Oh, and the rain, who shot who? It's like he's talking right to me. Well, then I think you need to come out to everyone and say that. No. Once you stop hiding, you'll feel so much better. You really think I could just stand up in front of everybody and say that I'm a Fan-ilow? Stop! As loyal fans of Fondue for Two, we demand to know what your guilty pleasure is. Tell us. None of your business. Spice Girls. I love the Spice Girls! Okay, keep it down. People are staring. When I was little, I had the Spice Girl movie on a loop. I used to make their clothes out of my grandmother's sheets. I dreamed I was one of them. We must do the Spice Girls. It has to be done! And this fierce black woman will be Scary Spice. Nothing scarier than a girl with a penis. Kidding.

does anybody else

Probably

Yes, does anybody else Probably! and I'll explain why. Follow along... So why are we in a barn in rural northeast Indiana? Well, gay marriage is illegal in Ohio, but legal in Indiana. - Makes absolutely no sense. - No, no. I mean, what are we doing in a barn in rural northeast Indiana? I thought it would be fun for you two to get married in the barn that Brittany was born in. What? Wait, what? And no peeking, Santana, 'cause I don't want Ooh, let the fashion show begin! Oh, oh, oh It's beautiful Oh, oh, oh Everything you see Oh, oh, oh It's beautiful Oh, oh, oh Together, you and me See life in all the colors Of the rainbow It's beautiful, this world And the sun is streaming in Through every window Oh, oh, oh-oh Feel it all Oh, oh, oh It's beautiful Oh, oh, oh Everything you see La la, la la la la la La la la la La la la la, la la la la La la la la la la la la Oh Brittany, that's it. That is absolutely stunning. I think this is the one, you guys. I think so, too. It looks so comfy, you could dance in it. - It's beautiful. - I know, right? Wow. Wow, Brittany, You look so beautiful. Oh, my God, what are you doing? I was going crazy back there, but you know what? Everybody's right. - You look incredible. - No, no, no. You're not supposed to see the dress before the wedding. Oh, my gosh, this is bad luck, Santana! Bad luck! It's okay, Britt. Calm down. It's gonna be okay. Here. Throw some salt over your shoulder. Go back inside. Go change. - Okay. Go, go, go! - What am I gonna do? What's happening? What do I do? Hey, guys, do you mind if I ritualistically slaughter this chicken? I want to counteract the bad luck of Santana seeing me in my wedding dress. Oh, my God, you are not slaughtering that chicken in here! - I know, but it'll help. - No. No. Take the chicken out. This is your lucky day, sir. Just, please stop. Listen, if you want to distract your mind, why don't you use your math brain to help us figure out the seating chart? Good idea. Okay, um Well, I still think we should seat people based on the Dewey Decimal System. So, like, uh Kurt should sit with Rachel, because they're both a little annoying. - No offense. - Why aren't Sam and Rachel seated next to each other? Carol and Burt are gonna be there and I don't want to upset them. Everybody is fine with you being with Sam. They're gonna be fine, too. I just haven't talked to Carol in a while. I did a lot, at first, and then I just got really busy with the glee club and I don't want to upset her. Look, Carol and Burt both lost people that they were in love with, and then they found one another and they started over again. They're gonna expect you to do the same thing. Okay. And there you go. Wait. Okay, hold up. No me gusta. Why is Sue on the list? Oh, we should just find her a table. She could sit with Becky Jackson. No. No, she is not invited to my wedding. Look, Sue has just been such a big part of our lives, right? I mean, we only met because she put us in the Cheerios! All I have to say is if you invite the woman to the wedding, there is an 80% chance that she's gonna ruin it. But if you don't, there's a 99% chance that she will. Praise. Well, listen, all I'm saying is no. Hell, no. If she's there, then I'm not. So, I figured we could get fitted for suits at this place I know. Um actually, I I had something else I wanted to talk to you about. Um I'm going to the wedding with Blaine. Ah. I see. I'm so sorry. I-I never expected this to happen. It's called "young love," Kurt. It gets bruised and then it gets back up again. It's a nice thing. So you aren't mad? Mad? No. Jealous? Well I mean, you're right at the beginning of it all. I look at you, and I think of the lifetime of love I could've had if I hadn't wasted it pretending to be someone I'm not. You're lucky, Kurt. Go be lucky. And whatever happens, even if you get hurt again, just remember: the only thing worth doing is going toward love. Don't waste time double-guessing. And don't waste time behaving yourself. You gotta run, you gotta jump! 'Cause it won't stick around forever. You gotta grab it while it's right in front of you. Whatever you do don't let go. - Kurt, are you okay? - No. I'm not okay, okay? I-I-I love you. I-I-I still love you, and I-I know everything was completely messed up before, but everything's fine now. So will you will you, will you go to the wedding with me? I-I mean, unless there's there's somebody else. There's no one else. Okay. So, I've gathered my best boys to get your opinion on something. I'm gonna ask Mike to marry me. - Chang? - What you talking 'bout, Tina? I got the ring and everything. Tina, I love you, but this is kind of crazy. Is it really so crazy for a girl to ask a boy for their hand in marriage these days? When you're not even dating the boy? Yes. It is. I think it's romantic. Thank you, Blaine. When I was with Mike, I was the happiest I've ever been. Look, two of our friends are getting married and we've had two other near-weddings. I let Mike get away and it was the biggest mistake of my life. I can't afford to risk losing him forever to some other girl. Grab the moment and run with it. I'm all for that, but how often do you guys even talk? We didn't much when I was here, but once I got to college we started texting a lot. I mean, he's texting me right now. I can honestly say that Mike is my best friend again, and he knows me better than anyone else. I'd love nothing more than to see you and Mike together forever. He's awesome, you're awesome, and you'd be guaranteed to have Asian kids, so they'd automatically be super smart. I'm Team Chang-Chang all the way. Thank you. What about you, Artie? I can't do this unless you all agree. I have my concerns. Uh, but if this is what you really want, then of course I support you. Thank you all so much. Yay! Yay. - Thank you, thank you. - It's wonderful! Ch-Chang! Heard you wanted to see me. Make it quick. I'm busy. Oh, okay. Um, well, I understand you don't want me at your wedding and of course that is your prerogative, but for the record, I would just like to say that I'm very hurt by that. And I fully realize that, over the years, uh, you and I have had a few minor differences. But weddings are the time to put all those differences aside. That's a steaming load of crap. I want to be surrounded by the people who love me and the people that I love. The only person that you know how to love is yourself. You don't know the first thing about me. Yeah, actually I do. I know how selfish and self-centered you are. Like the time that you wore an exact copy of Emma Pillsbury's dress to her own wedding. And how you perverted the very idea of marriage by marrying yourself. You are incapable of a selfless act. And if you do what you always do and just show up, you will be forcibly removed by the security guards that I have hired. So have fun polishing your trophies, Sue. Bye. He's fragile, be careful. I can't get mud on the wheels. Hi. - You must be Carol? - I am. Hi, I'm Blaine's mom. Oh, my goodness, so nice to meet you. It's so nice to meet you, too. Hey. You're blocking my face. Stop blocking everybody. Smile. Sam. - Are you smiling? You smiling? - No. No. Okay. Um - Did you take it? - Mm-hmm. I mean, everyone said it would be hard, but I'm telling you, man, the air force, it's a breeze. Wow, Tina. You look super-hot. Doesn't she, Mike? She always looks hot. Well, I'll, uh, leave you two. Oh, your tie's a little crooked. Just straighten that out a little bit. Hey, guys. Hey, what's up, guys? Just going over my notes before my officiating. Oh, you both look so handsome in your suits. - Yes, you do. - Seems like only yesterday we were getting ready for your guys's wedding. - That was the most beautiful day. - Best day of my life. - Aw - It's crazy to think - that we almost followed right in your footsteps. - Well, almost, and that would have been a beautiful day, too, but, you know, it just it wasn't meant to be. Young and foolish. Hey, maybe you two guys weren't meant to be, but, it's, like young, foolish? Come on. Are any of us ever really ready for anything? No, I wasn't ready to lose your mom. And because of that we haven't wasted one day since we met. That's right it's been a crazy adventure ever since. Uh-huh, it has. You're gonna make mistakes, and that's okay I have made so many. - Are you saying I'm one? - You are not one of them. - You are one of the good things. - Thank you. But you just have to take every second of every day and squeeze it as tight as you can. Just wring every last bit out of it. - Finn taught me that. - Yep. Finn taught me that, cancer taught me that, seeing you in that hospital bed taught me that. Man, officiating a wedding - really puts you in a mood. - Yeah, it does. - You just start thinking, and philosophizing - Get serious. - And-and "speechifying" Excuse me. - So go and, you know what? - We're gonna get you a beverage. - We'll let you guys All right, get me - I'm not drunk. - No, he's not. Okay, Mercedes, I need you to find a spider, 'cause it's good luck to put a spider on your dress. Um, and Tina, I need to find some wine glasses to smash like the Jews do, 'cause they have the best of luck. Oh, and, um, Rachel, I need you to find me a lizard to cross my path Trust me, it's, like, witch's lore, or something. Go! I need all the good luck I can get, okay? I don't want to end up like Jack and Rose. Where the hell am I gonna find a lizard? Go, go, go. Good luck, good luck, good luck. When I pictured my wedding day, I thought that I'd be the most beautiful bride ever, but I was wrong. You are you look amazing. Santana, what are you doing here? This is, like, the ultimate bad luck. God, a bride cannot see her bride before the ceremony. Why are you trying to sabotage this wedding? You know what? This was all adorable, but now I'm putting my foot down. Do you even know why a groom couldn't see the bride before the wedding? Cannibalism?

Stop saying that

Why yes, "Stop saying that", and here's why: Are you ready cum-guzzler? Yeah. 20, count 'em, 20 of this nation's best high school show choirs have poured out their talent all over this stage. And now we're down to the best of the best. From Greenville, South Carolina, the Harmony Busters. From Lima, Ohio, the New Directions! And from Portland, Oregon, the Soprano-gasms. Only one of these amazing teams can claim the title of the best high school show choir in America. In third place, it's the Harmony Busters. And now, the first place winner of the 2015 high school show choir nationals championship is the New Directions! Uh, uh, I-I'm sorry. Would you mind saying that again? I-I'm not sure I understood you correctly. The District Board of Education has decided to make McKinley an arts school. In a very short time from now, you and I will be standing in the choir room of the William McKinley High School for the Performing Arts. Wh-Wh-What happened? To be completely honest, Will, you happened. Over the last decade, school districts across the country have been facing multi-million dollar budget shortfalls. Yeah. And our quick fix was eliminating arts programs altogether. Prioritizing what we would hope would be more essential subjects like math, reading, science. You know what? We were wrong. Scores did not go up. In fact, in some places, they got worse. But you you refused to let that stop you. And I decided it was time for me to stick my neck out and make a pitch to the board. And to my great surprise, they agreed with me. Superintendent Harris, I mean this is incredible news. Please, please, if-if there's anything I can do to help, just-just let me know. What are you talking about? I'm gonna have you run the school. Uh, I beg your pardon? I'm making you principal, Will. Congratulations. Okay. Wait, now, remember. What? That cookie is for dessert. Oh, come on. Okay? That is not an appetizer, all right? Now that you're the principal, you have to set a good nutritional example for the other teachers I don't know if I can live up to that standard. You're just gonna have to come have lunch with me every single day. Oh, my goodness, Will. Will! We have to do everything possible to be appropriate and professional now that you are management. I am never gonna have to worry about getting funding for another Glee Club costume or paint brushes or tap shoes for a kid who can't afford them. Our son will be in the day care that we set up in the gym. And my beautiful wife will be right down the hall, working tirelessly to help kids get into the best arts colleges in the world. Oh, my goodness. I'm so proud of you, Will. It has been quite a journey to get to this place. And you've made it the whole way without losing your integrity. Except for those days when you were rapping. Can I be honest with you about something? I am scared to death. Do I have the talent to actually do the job? Will, you're the most talented man in the world. Or at least in Ohio. That's more like it. Right. I'm serious you don't have anything to be scared about. I'm not saying that it's gonna be easy, but I am saying now is the time for you and I to relax and have fun Yeah. and be in love, right? Because if we don't like something now, we can you know, we can fix it. So no more bad guys. It is just you and me and the power of our imaginations. I love you so much. I love you. Now go get your son, Mr. Shue, and I will see you at school. All right. You see that, Danny? Dreams really do come true. Yeah. Here he is! Wow, um I have to say this is the most exciting first day of Glee Club that we have ever had. No offense to the alumni who have been here since the very first-ever Glee Club meeting. All right, please, everyone, have a seat. So, Mr. Shue when are you gonna start auditions? Yeah, I think you're gonna have trouble sticking to your whole "whoever wants in, gets in" rule. Not true, Mr. Hummel. The New Directions! will be only one of the glee clubs at this school. I'm bringing back the Troubletones and starting an all-boys version called the Duly Noted. And we're also gonna have a junior varsity squad for those who feel like they need a little seasoning before they're ready for the big time. So, wait, how are you gonna teach all those glee clubs and run a school? I'm not. I'm actually not coaching any of them. Not even the New Directions? Well, uh, I've interviewed a a candidate for that particular job that I really like. But until then, I wanted to say farewell to you all with a song that I prepared for this occasion. My life changed because of all the magic that we created in this room. And if I've learned one thing, it's the message in the lyrics of this song. This is for you guys. You Who are on the road Must have a code That you can live by And so Become yourself Because the past Is just a good-bye Teach Your children well Their father's hell Will slowly go by And feed Them on your dreams The one they picks The one you'll know by Don't you ever ask them why If they told you, you would cry So just look at them and sigh And know they love you You Of tender years Can't know the fears That your elders grew by And so please help Them with your youth They seek the truth Before they can die Teach Your parents well Their children's hell Will slowly go by And feed Them on your dreams The one they picks The one you'll know by Don't you ever ask them why If they told you, you would cry So just look at them and sigh And know they love you. Come on a little Hey, what are you doing? Oh, uh, just a little inventory. We got to do it before we sell all this stuff. I mean, all these balls are under one PSI, so they're basically, uh, useless unless we fill them up to 12. 5. So listen, um, considering that you're going to be unemployed somewhat soon, I was wondering you'd given any thought to maybe, I don't know, moving back to New York. We have this spare room for you it-it's perfect. It's really small; it's more of, like, a closet, really, but Uh, yeah. No, we talked about this before. I told you that New York's not my speed. It's too fast; it's too loud; there's too many sports teams, so I get confused on who I'm supposed to root for. We just root for whichever one's winning. Okay, that's something Kurt would say. That's what happens when you get married. Kurt and I are really happy, all right? That's good. W-We're having a very good life together. We see everybody We see Rachel, we see Artie, Brittany, Santana, Kitty It's a lot of fun, but I miss my best friend. Dude, I miss you, too, man, you know? But this is home, okay? I need to be out in the wide-open spaces. I need to be able to just go out on the weekends and just shoot stuff if I want to. Look, I'm happy. I am genuinely happy here, okay? This is where I'm meant to be. I just don't want you to waste all of your talent. I'm not I'm using all of my talent in my new job. All right. Congratulations to all of you. You have been selected as the best of the best. You are this year's New Directions! Now I would like to introduce you all to your new teacher, Mr. Sam Evans. Wait, hold on, no. Y-You're taking over the glee club? Jealous? Yeah. I could not be more proud to pass the baton off to you. Go get 'em, buddy. All right, all right, all right. So look, I've been thinking a lot about the first week's lesson. This week, your assignment is country! Uh-oh. Let's see where he goes with this. Country and blues come from the same roots. The hardship of a rural life. Country uses little personal stories about breakups or broken-down pickups to express the deeper pains of poverty and anxiety that was in still, uh, such a normal part of life in the American South. Now, if we want to be great, we need to be able to sing about hurt and loss. And even if we can't relate to the specifics, make them our own. So who wants to start us off with a country song? Let's do "She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy. " Yeah. Okay. Well, looks like we're all right where we belong. I wouldn't have it any other way. Okay, wait. Stop right there. I just want you guys to come in and listen, because I have to get through this without crying. Okay, I have officially been picked up to be the opening act for Beyoncé's new world tour. Effective immediately. - Yay! - I know. You know, ever since I've been back, I've just been walking these halls, trying to remember how invisible I used to feel. And the funny thing is It's getting really hard to remember that Mercedes. Even when I got the call earlier, I didn't think, "Oh, this must be some kind of mistake," or, you know, "They must not mean me. " That's because of you guys. Having friends like you really did change me. You made me know that good things are possible. It's not really it's not really that common to come by and I'll remember you guys for it. No, no, no, no, do not come up here, because that is not even the hard part, and if you come up here now, I am gonna lose it, and I am determined to walk out of here with some class. So, between the tour and rehearsals and me cutting an album right after, I won't be seeing you guys for a while. Maybe even a-a long while. You know, we'll keep in touch, but it's not gonna be the same, and I think that we've all had enough group hugs that can last us a lifetime. So, I wanted to say good-bye my way with a song. And then, I want to walk out of here like I'm gonna be seeing everybody in Glee Club tomorrow, and like it's not really good-bye. Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh Someday Uh-huh We'll be together We'll be together, yeah-ah-ah-ah You're far away From me, my love Ooh, baby But just as sure, my, my baby As there are stars above I wanna say, I wanna say, I wanna say Someday we'll be together Someday We're gonna be together, be together, baby Someday We'll be together We'll be together, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh A long time ago.

it takes longer for you to copy paste that, then to not read it.

Yes it does take longer for you to copy and pasre that, my little cum guzzling friend, and here's why: What do you have to say about the steroid allegations? I look forward to my day in court. Until then, I have no comment. Uh, what about the report that you look way too old to still be in high school? Hey, hey, hey! What is your problem?! A blood test administered by the Show Choir Governing Board tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs, stripping Dalton Academy of their Sectionals title and sending Lima's own McKinley High School Show Choir to Regionals and a chance to repeat as National Champions. I can't believe it. This is what they think news is news now?! Andrea I can't take this anymore. I cannot take this anymore! I've had it! I've had enough! I went to school for this?! Well, it looks like someone's getting a younger, hotter co-anchor. After the break, a Fort Wayne squirrel who's also a doctor? We'll be right back. All right, people, we are back! First of all, big props to Sam and Blaine for all their hard work to make this happen. But there's no time to celebrate. We just lost three weeks of prep time for Regionals, and we still have to raise $400 to pay for the bus to get to the competition in Indianapolis. It's the Paris of Indiana. I propose a bake sale. I mean it worked last time. Well, that's because Puck spiked the cupcakes with Mary Jane. I'd be willing to cut off my hair to sell it for extra cash. To who? Jamaican kids with Rastafarian cancer? Or as rigging on a haunted pirate ship? I could sell more of my semen. This is silly. I know exactly how we're gonna get the money. "The Men of McKinley" calendar. Let's face it this is the cutest crop of Glee boys we've ever had. That's great. And it's January, so it's the perfect time to sell them. There are six guys, so each one can take two months. I think Blaine should definitely be December. You can do a Santa thing but sexy. Sexy Claus. I'm in as long as I can take my shirt off. Wait, why does it have to be just the men? Why can't we objectify the girls, too? 'Cause girls are the ones that buy stuff. We're responsible for the consumer- driven economy. Those Twilight books are poop on paper, and we've turned them into a billion-dollar industry. Team Jacob. This could actually work. Tina you're in charge. You can set up the photo shoots. Everybody else, pick your months and work on your concepts. Good job, Tina! Hey, what are you doing after school today? Um Fondue for Two! Hey! Fondue for Two, that's some hot dish Fondue for Two! Welcome back to Fondue for Two. You may know tonight's guest only as the girl with the fat mom who ruined Sectionals for everybody. Please give it up for McKinley's very own Marley Rose. So, Marley, is it true that you spent six hours waiting in line to see The Hunger Games? I love those books. So do you think that you relate to The Hunger Games because you yourself are hungry? When I was growing up, my mom said that I was a pet psychic. That's cool. So, can you tell me what Lord Tubbington is thinking right now? Yeah. I think he wants to lose some weight, and he has an online gambling addiction. Wrong. If you would've told me that Lord Tubbington was secretly a slumlord, I would've believed you. None of your high-rises are up to code. Those families are living in squalor and they deserve better. Aah! Oh! This is boiling hot! Let's talk about boys. Please admit to my viewing audience that you are in love with Jake. I thought so. If Jake is brave enough to take off his clothes for Glee's. Men of McKinley calendar, don't you think you owe him the same courtesy? You mean, take off my clothes? No. I meant that you should be honest and vulnerable and tell him exactly how you feel. Sexy teen imbeciles. The S. A. T. scores are in, and you have managed to receive the highest and lowest scores ever recorded at McKinley! Yes! I knew it. Secret genius. Brittany S. Pierce has received a near-perfect 2340 on her exam. Wait, what? How? Clearly, she cheated. No, I did not cheat. I swear. All I did was I filled in "A" for a while and then "C" for a little bit and then "D" and then I did "A" again and then I used the dots to draw a clown and then a penis. Wait What were my scores? You got a 340, which in clinical trials is a score routinely bested by monkeys. Sam don't worry, okay? You don't need to go to college like the rest of us. You have a really great body. You could be a personal trainer. You could be a greeter at Abercrombie. You could be a greeter at Abercrombie's corporate headquarters Whatever you want to do but meanwhile, my future looks bright. I'm gonna graduate. I'll go to Harvard or "Princetown" or "MITT" or "Stanford and Son" or the "University of California at Charles. " Barkley's House," 'cause evidently I'm one of the smartest people in America. Your audition was great, Rachel. I don't need to hear you read it again. Look, this film is my senior thesis, and I'd like you to be a part of it. Any questions? Your script, Electra it's so raw and personal. I just was wondering, um A Journey into Alzheimer's is that you and-and your grandmother? The grandmother slipping into dementia is an allegory. Of course. Yeah. Obviously. Of the end of the world. You would be playing both me and, in the black-and-white flashbacks, my grandmother. Okay. If you're willing to go on this adventure with me. I I would be honored. I would. Great. There is one thing: You will have to be topless in the ballroom scene with Titus. That's not going to be a problem, is it? I'm a strong and confident woman. I'm the one who asked Brody to move in. I'm the one who almost made it out of Agent Provocateur without giggling. And let's face it, my breasts are my prizewinners. You almost made it out, but you didn't. Let's face it. You're also the girl who makes Brody turn the lights off when you're cuddling. You have a beautiful body, but are you really ready to expose yourself to the world? That what all great artists do. They expose themselves. Expose their souls, not their flesh. But it's all part of the same package. A-Am I really expected to be able to bare my soul if I'm ashamed of the body that holds it? I think a little shame is a good thing. You're not a porn star, even though your hair and your makeup makes you - look like one. - That's mean. I'm sorry. But your hair has gotten a little out of hand. Point taken. Well, I guess there's only one way to resolve this. Sing about it. Thank God. Hit it. I thought I saw a man brought to life He was warm, he came around Like he was dignified He showed me what it was to cry Well, you couldn't be that man I adored You don't seem to know Seem to care What your heart is for Oh, I don't know him anymore There's nothing where he used to lie The conversation has run dry That's what's going on Nothing's fine, I'm torn I'm all out of faith This is how I feel I'm cold and I am shamed, lying naked on the floor Illusion never changed into something real I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn You're a little late I'm already torn So I guess the fortune-teller's right I should have seen just what was there And not some holy light But you crawled beneath my veins and now I don't care, I have no luck I don't miss it all that much There's just so many things That I can't touch, I'm torn I'm all out of faith I'm all out of faith This is how I feel How I feel I'm cold and I'm ashamed Bound and broken on the floor You're a little late I'm already torn I'm already torn I'm torn I'm torn Oh, oh! Oh, oh Oh, oh Oh, yeah, oh, yeah Oh, oh! Oh, oh Oh, oh I'm already torn. Rachel have you made up your mind yet? I need to know right away, so we can get you fitted for clown shoes for the "End of Times" dream sequence. I'll do it. Hey, Blaine. Will you please go to the mall with me after school? I want to go clothes shopping. Sure. Oh, sweet merciful Lord. Oh, yeah Oh, yeah Oh, yeah Sam. What are you doing? It's January. What do you mean? It's hot out there, you know? Sun's out, it's, like, way above freezing. Are you sure you're not overcompensating a little? Overcompensating for what? Your S. A. T. scores. We all heard that you tanked. But don't worry. There are re-tests. You know what, dude? Like, if you choose to be jealous of my hard-core rockin' bod, that's on you. Uh, for the record, Blaine has an awesome body and a perky and delicious behind that looks like it got baked to perfection by some sort of master chef. Thanks, Tina. Sam, I'm just looking out for you. I'm trying to be your friend. Okay, well, then put down the Hatorade and come to my seminar this afternoon. Your seminar? Yeah for the Men of McKinley calendar. - It's a one-hour course- ". Techniques that Work for Today's Hot Young Posers. " No chicks. Downward dog. Into the half pigeon. Feel it in the buttocks right there. And now back into the lotus position. Relax. Why are we doing this again? It's Bro-ga yoga for bros. All about getting in the best possible shape for the calendar. Well, not everyone in here looks like they're on the CW. Some of us are more PBS. Does the calendar really need to be shirtless? Afraid so, dude. But don't sweat it, 'cause in no time, we'll all be centerfold-ready, thanks to White Chocolate's Strip Tips. Rule number one manscape, all right? Nobody wants to see those rando nipple pubes, or even worse, a back that looks like Chewbacca's ass. No offense, Joe. Shave it off! And who says you can't pack a little extra? I like baby socks. Now, just make sure the sock is clean so you don't get any athlete's foot on your junk. Now let's get this party started! Uh! With a little bit of Uh, uh And a little bit of Uh, uh Just a little bit of Uh, uh Just a little bit of Uh, uh I was like, good gracious, ass is bodacious Uh! Flirtatious, trying to show faces Uh Waiting for the right time to shoot my steam You know Looking for the right time to flash them ki's, then I'm leaving, please believing Oh! Me and the rest of my heathens!