Can you imagine being Roland taking his big fat morning shit as you hear the Opie gang approaching?

183  2017-06-30 by Mayonnaise_Monster

You know beady eyed Roland started sweating when he heard the inner circle outside the bathroom door laughing and hooting and hollering. They burst through the door already in hysterics as Roland tries to push the remainder of his filth out of his body as quietly as possible. Too late.

GREGG - Wait a second, I know who that is. YO ROE ROE!! DROPPIN A COUPLE HAMMERS?

Hysterical laughing

Sherrod repeating "YO ROE ROE" over and over again on the top of his lungs

Vic Henley laughing so hard he pisses on the walls

The only chef in America that Roland doesn't want to be friends with is also there, doubled over in laughter at Rolands expense.

Roland is a vulnerable doo doo mess as Vic, Carl and Sherrod form a triangle formation outside the stall allowing Opie to climb on top of their bodies, shaking from holding in laughter. Opie is now watching Roland take a dump with camera in hand; a fat, body dysmorphic virgin the focus of his latest viral attempt.

Now he has to plead with Opie to stop recording, finish shitting, listen to the raqio circle laugh at his video then actually watch it with them as they tell him they're going to post it and if he doesn't like it he's not as down as they thought he was.

Its honestly a wonder why Roland didn't go to a lawyer instead of H.R.

45 comments

n/a  Opprobriousness 2017-06-30

Honestly, he may be a prematurely bald, obese, mumbling mess, but can't Opie leave the man some shred of dignity?

This will end in either a lawsuit, firing, or suicide.

n/a  herpacin 2017-06-30

Why pick just one.

n/a  SolarPoweredNachos 2017-06-30

Opie sued, Vic fired, and Sherrod suicide, please.

n/a  TotallyNotObsi 2017-06-30

Producer Paul will kill everyone in that studio. He's the quiet guy who's been listening to them for years now and is clearly going insane from all their fake laughs.

n/a  DanceLikeTheJig 2017-06-30

I wish he went off on all of them yesterday once they started ganging up on him, but mainly just wish he called Sherrod out for being a fat tongued nothing mammy motherfucker. Shuckin and jivin worthless fuckin nigger.

n/a  1475315963 2017-06-30

hopefully all of the above and more

n/a  Randal_X 2017-06-30

You remind me of a young Sylvia Browne

n/a  Muted_Post-Horn 2017-06-30

I wish you reminded me of an old sylvia plath

n/a  DanceLikeTheJig 2017-06-30

tss wait wait, hold on. u remind me of sylvesta the cat, fawkin sufferin sukkatash or sumthin i dunno. gwan naw

n/a  CookieHaid 2017-06-30

yeah...fawkin meow and shiznit

n/a  takyon_deathyon 2017-06-30

And then Mammary Man has the audacity to be mad at Roland for being upset at the situation

Roland is a man that Opie has known for a decade now, and he treats him like he isn't shit. It's incredible

n/a  Mayonnaise_Monster 2017-06-30

He's just the help. A person who exists to serve Opie professionally as well as obedient and thankful when being humiliated on his off hours.

This isn't a case of shock jock radio because I can't remember another instance where a radio host himself took a video of an employee shitting in private and threatened to upload the video to his personal social media either for publicity, humiliation purposes, or some bizarre test of loyalty. Imagine this was an intern or a woman and think about how quickly Opie would be gone. Imagine this was any other job besides zoo crew and think about how a company would handle it. Opie is done.

n/a  TacolasCage 2017-06-30

Opie has zero self awareness..

n/a  TriangleDimes 2017-06-30

Opie is a true sociopath. He kept saying how Roland laughed at the video and is so shocked he went to HR. If he had any self awareness he may realise that Roland was probably fake laughing like everyone else does, but in Opie's mind this is some inexplicable betrayal instead of someone reaching their breaking point. He still doesn't understand why any of this is happening.

n/a  MalcolmX_InTheMiddle 2017-06-30

Exactly. Because no one ever tries to laugh it off while getting bullied. Opie is a dunce.

n/a  Killgore 2017-06-30

When Opie said that Roland laughed at the video when he showed it to him, and was confused about why he would go to HR afterwards, I had the sudden realization that Opie might be on the spectrum. Think about it. It would explain so much. Opie is autistic.

n/a  lord_minidisc 2017-06-30

If Opie gets fired for this, Roland should post a selfie from the bathroom stall.

n/a  PeeSoup3030 2017-06-30

OP if that post doesn't win some sort of literary award I will burn a library to the ground

n/a  Steamer1000 2017-06-30

But where will the homeless watch porn?

n/a  Steamer1000 2017-06-30

But where will the homeless watch porn?

n/a  PeeSoup3030 2017-06-30

I HEARD YOU !!!!!!!!

n/a  Dick_Kickass 2017-06-30

Just do it anyway.

n/a  packitchofsositch 2017-06-30

I haven't read the post yet, but just from the title I have to say (from one civilian to another) that "big fat morning shit" is for some reason so much funnier than big fat shit.

n/a  whydontUlovemeLyndsi 2017-06-30

just employing the craft, brotherman

n/a  BoongChook 2017-06-30

If this doesn't win a Pulitzer Prize, I will eat Roland's shit.

n/a  CumButcha 2017-06-30

You have artistic prose.

n/a  BoardroomBimmy 2017-06-30

Autistic prose

n/a  loginlogan7 2017-06-30

All jokes aside, how does filming someone shitting even seem like a good idea? Ope has comedic mind of a 3rd grader

n/a  seanyc123 2017-06-30

That had me crying laughing on a crowded train. Inspired by your work, I would like to submit my own Roland shitting fanfiction...

Opie: You trying to drop some hammers there brotherman? Why don't we jazz it up™ with a viral video? Whaddayasay gang?

Sherrod: YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Inner circle in unison: JAZZ. IT. UP! JAZZ. IT. UP!

As they continue to chant, the Opester shoulder barges the door with all his might. The impact barely makes the door move but when his tits catch up with his body they slam in to it like a battering ram and the door goes flying, Sloth Team 6 has breached the cubicle. The latch flies past Roland's head and smashes a tile behind him. Through a cloud of dust and snowing wood splinters he sees Opie's shit eating grin emerge, partially obscured by a recording phone

Roland: Opie, I-I'm trying to-

Opie: HOLD ON! HOLD ON! Let me get a better angle! Your belly is blocking all the action brotherman, help me out gang.

The inner circle break their chant and spring in to action. Sherrod and Cuban get either side of a screaming Roland and hoist up his gut like they're lifting a large couch, Vic stays outside laughing maniacally to mask the sound of the commotion. Opie takes a knee and shoves his phone hand between Roland's legs, angling the camera toward his asshole as pound upon pound of digested cronut fall like 9/11 jumpers with wet thuds on the mounting pile below

Opie: Attaboy Roland, this is really gonna get my numbers up! Sherrod: YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Satisfied that he has a viral hit on his hands he and the gang exit the cubicle and start hi-fiving each other. Opie gets his lapdogs in a semicircle facing Roland's doorless stall as Opie plays back the video and they break out in to hysterics. Opie walks back in the stall and turns the phone around and shows Roland the footage

Opie: Pretty funny stuff, huh Roland?

Roland: [forcing a smile out of fear] Y-yeah, you sure got me Opie.

Satisfied, Opie snaps his fingers and leaves with his entourage. The sound of forced, unwarranted laughter gradually gets quieter as they make their way back to studio until all that can be heard is a sobbing Roland.

n/a  snargfursk 2017-06-30

Thank you, Sir, thank you.

n/a  DanceLikeTheJig 2017-06-30

Beautiful.

n/a  YourOldPalHoward 2017-06-30

Can Roland Shitting fanfiction be this sub's new chiproll? I would like to hear endless variations on this story.

n/a  obamabeblacknshiet 2017-06-30

I have to say that I've never seen autism so masterfully channeled into a creative output. Bravo!

n/a  xX_prowl_Xx 2017-06-30

Its funnier to imagine that fat mess of human dna actually was just sitting down to piss like a woman.

n/a  crookedmile 2017-06-30

It's funnier that Roland is one of those fat guys that has to stand up and do a reach around to wipe his own ass. I know he looks at it too.

n/a  thoughts_n_prayers 2017-06-30

who doesn't?

n/a  spicysandwich80 2017-06-30

Well Picasso you painted quite the picture didn't you

n/a  Mu_Scevich 2017-06-30

"The only chef in America Roland doesn't want to be friends with..."

This made me lulz.

n/a  EastSideDan 2017-06-30

This is was tear jerking. Bravo, sir. Bravo.

n/a  donandmikeshow 2017-06-30

Opie's "gang"

n/a  Mikekekeke 2017-06-30

The Opieradio show sounds like the frat house nobody wants to join. And even the college's administration isn't sure how old those dudes are or how long they've been taking classes.

n/a  WhiskeynPeanutbutter 2017-06-30

Surely they've never been to class MAAAAAANNNNNN

n/a  WistfulNotions 2017-06-30

Lol. I love how obscene yet realistic the scene you created is.

It must've been nightmarish, being exposed and recorded while you're trying to take a shit, and having other people see it.

I know it's easy to write off the abuse Roland gets, being that he's a fat mumbling queer, and he doesn't seem like a real person, just some character in a story.

n/a  sanhozay1 2017-06-30

Vic, Carl and Sherrod form a triangle formation

What other shape can three things form other than a triangle

n/a  CookieHaid 2017-06-30

a line

n/a  WhiskeynPeanutbutter 2017-06-30

"The only chef in America that Roland doesn't want to be friends with is also there." that made me giggle like a faggot.

n/a  DanceLikeTheJig 2017-06-30

I wish he went off on all of them yesterday once they started ganging up on him, but mainly just wish he called Sherrod out for being a fat tongued nothing mammy motherfucker. Shuckin and jivin worthless fuckin nigger.