Gonna eat Nutella right out of the jar using the barrel of my pistol instead of a spoon. If it's an accident I still get into heaven.

Nutella straight outa the jar? I'd say you're already in heaven.

;)

Ha ha no doubt! Ah, you need some good laughter in life :-)

I have similar plans. I'll be drinking rum and cokes and getting high from some top notch weed while shoveling greasy pizza down my fucking face and masturbating in the shower to the thought of fucking my girlfriend's friends.

Hashtag blessed

Dassabesso jussa chill n fuckin

My girlfriend doesn't have friends, but her mom is pretty young. Gets the job done

Mine plays softball, so half of her friends are lesbians and half of the other half are also lesbians but just don't know it yet.

I'm confused. Are you a lesbian or is she?

Your weed is shit and you have the alcohol tastes of a 16 year old girl on spring break

Funny story actually, I've been sick for the past 3 days so I've been sleeping a lot. This is my first day back at work and when you said have a great weekend I was like THAT DON'T MAKE NO SENSE! It's Monday! Except it's Friday! Hahaha I give you permission to tell my story when you find yourself looking for a funny anecdote to tell someone today.

Have an A-Okay day fella

Ha... ha... haave an.....aaaaaa A one day

I'm 33 years old and just converted a portion of my finished basement to resemble a make-shift wrestling ring. It has a good amount of padding, ropes, etc.

Yes, I'm married but no I don't have any kids. This was built for the sole purpose of entertaining me and my idiot friends.

I invited my friends over and we're going to binge drink this weekend while attempting to execute our own royal rumble. Guys are dressing up in their own makeshift wrestling outfits, etc. The citizens of Mosul won't be able to hold a candle to the amount of injuries sustained this weekend by the idiots coming to my house

I am such a fucking faggot it's not even funny, but goddammit 12 year old me would be so proud of 33 year old me.

the citizens of mosul won't be able to hold a candle due to amputations and a supply blockade, lol god bless and have fun playing fighteymen

Holy fuck boys! A wrastlin ring!!! Decent!

I hope one of you guys (you) suffers a mishap in the squared circle (break your neck). Haha, just joshing. Stay safe and enjoy the sausage fuck fest.

Show us pics u queer

I hope the 21 year old of you that is left gets hit by a bus faggot.

Tsss yeah what's a bus faggot? A bus for faggot or sumpthin

A guy who is gay only in buses.

"For buses" is also an acceptable quip in this case. Have a nice weekend, friend.

I actually legit laughed at this clever math joke.

Thanks, all meant in good humor of course.

You better film this. Start a Basement Wrestling Federation.

I'd rather drink a bottle of bleach than expose my identity to you fat creepy mouth breathing fucks... no offense.

So fair.

I want one of you hurt bad enough that everyone stops but the injury isn't life threatening or debilitating. Have a good one!

Film it, homo. We wanna laugh too.

Please send us the video footage of initial penetration and the ejaculations.

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Sounds like wholesome time, just you an' the fellas joshin' around. Do let us know if any of your buddies suffers a brain injury when horse-playing about in the squared circle and murder/suicides his family in a few years! Just joshin' with ya ;) Have a great! :)

;)

Could you arrange Owen Hart/Blue Blazer entrances for everyone? It'd make things so special.

I somehow fooled a breathalyzer while completely drunk on my way to burger king wednesday night. While at a hippy party last year some douche brought his didgeridoo and taught me how to play it properly by inhaling through your nose and breathing out through your mouth at the same time. Turns out you can just do that to a breathalyzer. "What the hell?? I can smell the booze on him and he's got NOTHING!?" dumb chick cop wanted to do it again but her partner was so impressed with my official Call of Duty 2 sweat pants that they let me go get my simulated meat sandwiches without further hassle.

taught me how to play it properly by inhaling through your nose and breathing out through your mouth at the same time

This is physically fucking impossible. I just tried this at my desk and almost threw up.

That's how Kenny G got the record for longest note on a flute or whatever

Your mom Kenny G'd my flute last night, faggot.

Blew on it for 45 minutes and ended with a disappointing finish? Color me surprised

It's called circular breathing and it is possible if you practice, or so said my bitch band teacher in 7th grade.

It's easier with a dick in your throat

the breathalyzer picked up on me struggling with it twice and made me retry. it's pretty hard to do, it's more like a bunch of small quick inhale/exhale cycles and i suspect it wouldnt work on some of the other breathalyzers I've done which I think were much more sensitive to fluctuations in air pressure

One of my dopey friends told me to refuse a breathalyzer if I ever got pulled over.

So one night, I got pulled over, and refused the breathalyzer.

They threw me in jail. I wasn't even drunk, and the blood test proved it.

wasnt even drunk

Then why would you refuse it ya dope?

Did you try to bragain with them once they were putting the cuffs on? "On second thought i dont mind trying that breathalyzer officers. I was just being funny earlier"

My dumb friend told me that if I refused it, they'd let me go

Yes, he was always full of bad advice, I just didn't know it at the time

Haha you were talking about the breathalyzer thing on cytube ya yappy drunk

i was so happy, i thought i was gonna be spending the night getting raped by real men who didn't wear their gaming themed pants to prison

Glad yer on the roads, bud! :)

That's called "circular breathing". You'll find it's common practice amongst didgeridoo players. On occasion, brass instrument players (tuba, euphonium, French horn, trombone, trumpet, cornet, and other horns) will be able to do this too, since you play brass instruments and didgeridoos in a similar fashion: with a similar embouchure (that's a fancy word meaning the shape of the mouth when playing an instrument).

Enjoy your weekend.

Jsut alcohol and feelings for me thanks.

I'm quitting drinking and I'm struggling to find shit to do with my time. I tried switching to weed but weed is stupid and boring. I've been reading a lot of ridiculous conspiracy theories like Hollow Earth so I'm probably going to keep doing that.

I just quit smoking ciggies so I get the feeling. Here's a good doc on the Paul is dead conspiracy for you to dry out with: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FsPCQ932vlU

I quit cigarettes a few years ago. Living in Canada and them being like $15 a pack helped. Thanks for the link.

Fuck; you're Canadian?!?

That explains a couple of things.

Weed is stupid and boring so i'll go read made up bull shit instead! You're a bright spot, triangledimes.

Pizzagate (and frank) was better

To me the Pizzagate one isn't even that ridiculous, it's just I don't wanna watch it unfold in real time. I'll check in once a week and see what the new developments are but there's all sorts of false leads and dumb shit.

Yeah, when it comes to alt.right conspiracies, I think Pizzagate has more legs than the whole "Michelle Omaba is really a transgendered man named Michael" thing.

I normally ignore conspiracy theories, especially right wing ones, but the theory linking the Podesta brothers to Madeleine McCann's abduction is eerily convincing. The police sketches of the two suspects look exactly like the two brothers. Also, the Wikileaks hack into his email show that everything before the day she was abducted was deleted. Not sure what that would exactly mean but there are too many coincidences here.

I don't know anything about that, but I can definitely see Bill Clinton liked to a ring of creeps who fuck kids in the back of a pizza place. Almost makes too much sense.

I doubt that. Bill Clinton is into white trash bimbos who wear tons of make-up and hairspray like Lewinsky and Paula jones.

Im halfway convinced one of the main "investigators" on /pol is dead.

Or maybe im just not going on there at the right times. The threads always used to look the same and official, but now its a clusterfuck of morons posting month old pictures and saying Holy Fuck can you believe his name in french is "i love infants"

That's the thing I can't wrap my head around. Whenever they talk about these huge child sex rings after they get busted by Interpol and the FBI, they're some of the most advanced and secretive things on the planet. They're the most careful and paranoid people ever, but we have to believe that the ones dealing with the government drop all these silly little clues and puns for... who? The pedo network with links to politicians decided to do all these sly little winks to let people know what they're up to?

Indian Food after work with girlfriend. Going to start off with some garlic naan for an appetizer and order the Chicken Vindaloo for the main course, washed down with some Diet Coke. Then we'll stop off at the store for a bottle or two of a red blend, reasonably priced, of course, as we're not wine snobs. Then go home and get the Christmas lights down from the attic and test them, as it is my job to affix them to the house tomorrow night. Then probably watch a movie. She wants to watch Snowden, but I'll see if there's something better out there to watch in it's place.

Post a picture of her naked virgina and anus please.

this is the guy that's fucking Florentine's wife

John Wick is better than Snowden

Thinking about In a Valley of Violence, the one that Ti West promoted on the show a few months back. Stars Ethan Hawke & Travolta

Good luck, Travolta usually guarantees schlock.

How does this tweet by our future president make you feel

I feel nothing. The man is a bombastic idiot.

India has the dumbest names for anything. Vindaloo. Fuck off you small dark fools.

Apothic Red is the way to go, like $10.

I've had it but don't recall the taste. Kroger has had an Argentinian red blend on sale called 'Aconga' for the past year. It supposedly retails for $9.99, but it's always on sale for $3.99. It's not great, but it's not horrible. If you like wine, anything by Frei Brothers is excellent. It's going to run you $20 to $28 a bottle, but everything I've had from them is above and beyond. Also, Blenheim Vineyards in VA (owned by Dave Matthews) makes a pretty good bottle of red and runs about $14.

I run a liquor store. Had Frei Bros. and I think your confusing the Dave Matthews wine. That's Dreaming Tree.

I thought I made the differentiation by saying "Also". And yes, it is Dreaming Tree. Although, I think he gets the grapes from the West Coast to make that particular wine.

Gotcha. If your into Argentinines, you might like Malbec.

I've had a few, and liked them. I tend to like anything more robust than a Pinot Noir.

Yeah, pinots tend to be lighter. Malbecs and blends are my go to unless I'm eating steak then it's a heavy (dvv dvv) cab

This has been another episode of Wine Fag Talk.

Tune in next week when we review grapefruit beers!

I'm going to call you both faggots cuz I don't understand what yall are talking about. Faggots.

Red wine sir.

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I'm going to fuck the rest of the period out of my girlfriend you know that flaky brown stuff. Then I have to go to my girlfriend's Triathlon Teams end of the year dinner. There I will drink top-shelf Scotch, Eat over priced food, and listen to a bunch of narcissist talk about how great they are. Then my girlfriend and I will probably have drunk anal. Saturday will chop wood and might go in the woods to get a Christmas tree. Sunday will sleep late and be depressed about going back to the corporate job I absolutely hate.

I'm ill and have been for days. I'm shitting explosive watery poops and can't eat as i have some sort of throat infection that makes even talking painful. I've looked it up online and i'm sure i am dying.

This weekend i am going to shit and watch sports on the tv.

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This guy gets it

Board games and booze with homies and then probably drunk dancing and hooking up with some techno hoe if Allah allows it.

The Porter Robinson tour is great, but 'the techno hoes' are all ugly

No clue who the fudge that is but apparently he's in my city next week.

If you're into EDM, you'll dig it

If your interest in EDM is purely for "techno hoes" you won't like it :)

/r/aves has been jizzing about Porter for a couple years now

I'm pretty new to techno -- into it from more of an industrial / noise / idm kinda scene. I've never actually been to a large EDM show, just shitty little empty-warehouse-techno-pop up things. Thanks for the rec tho.

I honestly could care less about the techno hoes, but maybe I'll get my dill wet, yahur

Cool!

I'm old as fuck, I used to go to industrial clubs in the 90s, back when the big names were NIN / Ministry / RevCo / Skinny Puppy / KMFDM etc

But I always preferred the rave scene to the industrial scene

I've dipped my toe in the techno scene a bit. For instance, I've been to DEMF. But I generally prefer the EDM stuff.

If you're into any of that, or want some recommendations, lmk

Ahhh nice to hear that! I hope you and your boyfriend have a great weekend sweetie!

I'll be working tonight and tomorrow night. I do pizza and Boston Market. Those are the staples of my diet. Fuck foodies. They're a bunch of impractical, faggot creeps to me. I can't wait until the apocalypse so I can blissfully enjoy my MREs while these prissy homos lamentfully weep about the "lack of presentation." Bitch ass motherfuckers.

When I jack off it sizzles. Tastes way more like tabasco than it used to.

Can confirm.

Source: the tip of his penis.

...a splash of grapefruit beer, a shot of old Italian rum, and a non-alcoholic worm. Don't mix. That is how you make the perfect...O&A cucktail *dies*

Replace the Italian rum with Bud Light and Xanax for true authenticity.

Jammin with the boys poppins klons n xans maaaaannnnn

I was just walking past a school that let out and noticed a girl (suuuuure) wearing a sweatshirt that simply said " I DANCE" on it and started cracking up. Someone find that and send it to Jimmy

I found her and have a knife to her throat but i have no camera, what do i do next?

in hindsight, I should have been more clear. whoops.

If there's grass on the field, play it!

Well; first I'd take you shopping to the stores you'd want to shop in. And then we'd do a little lunch...probably at The Cheese House? Followed by some golfing. And then at night we'd take in an opera...probably Die Fledermaus? And then I'd follow it all up with a drive to a secluded beach, where I'd pop on the radio, and then we can slow dance until the SUN CAAAAAME UP.

If you put fruit near my fish, i fuck your ass.

I am eating spaghetti sauce out of the jar, it's all I got

I just got Watch Dogs 2, I didn't like the first one but this one looked pretty good, and it is. So I'll be playing that. I'm expecting some kratom in the mail today, so maybe after 10 beers with some of that and an extract I made I might be able to get a nod on.

How do you take your kratom?

Rectally. Naw, I just put some water in my mouth, put two tsps of kratom in, and drink more water. I've been making more tea with extract lately, too.

I usually make tea but it seems really inefficient. I have a capsule machine but I hate having to swallow 15 horse pills. Toss n wash has never worked for me. Rectally it is I guess.

Toss and wash sucks if you just put the kratom in your mouth before a little water. You could always make an extract so you don't have to consume so much powder. It's time consuming as shit though, takes me like 6 hours every time. I usually get a 5:1 yield.

What sort of fucked up photoshop can we expect this weekend, lads?

http://imgur.com/a/EY3CX

Holy fuck

please pay a visit to Steve C. tonight

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How bout the Ativan and the booze instead?

Oh it's Friday. I thought it was Tuesday. May

That's where you're wrong. I slacked off so much this week that I'll be stuck inside writing papers for 3 days

Right back at'cha!

I might be meeting a client for a beer. I'm drawing a poster but the client is a junkie who can't figure out what he wants. After that I might get some groceries and throw in a roast.

Recovering from a shitty birthday, but at least I have leftover alcohol, just like my hero Anthony.

I gotta study for finals : (

Besides that, I dunno. Might watch some movies if I have time.

I'm going to test the strength of the support joists in my basement using my neck.

Gotta finish a paper for grad school. Will also play FIFA and drink several beers.

Die faggot die!!

Guy who doesn't get the bit.

this is the guy that's fucking Florentine's wife

Post a picture of her naked virgina and anus please.

Apothic Red is the way to go, like $10.

John Wick is better than Snowden

How does this tweet by our future president make you feel

India has the dumbest names for anything. Vindaloo. Fuck off you small dark fools.