Working late so I decided to see what The Destroyer is bringing to the table on what could be his second-to-last large audience broadcaster ever. So far:

1) Doug Benson's 12 Guests of Christmas episode of Doug Watches Moviesfilms records tonight and has been booked for months. Greggg says he loves these guests because they're not here to promote. He wants people to want to be with him because they like him, not because they need him. To that end, I'll keep track of the number of times he mentions his pods and live tapins. (10 minutes later and it's at least a dozen lol)

2) Sherrod was supposed to be in but the lazy nigger didn't show up. Greggg texted him five minutes before the show and hasn't heard. Chocolate Chip broke his phone and Greggg had to text him through his "girl" for a while there. Sherrod can't even afford the $50 deductible on cell phone insurance. This made me happy.

3) Greggg then re-reads the text conversation he had with Sherrod yesterday even though he stood him up today. Greggg maintains "I've never asked him for a reason (for his repeat desertion). He's one of THOSE people that I like so much and doing radio with that he doesn't need a reason." DB says, "but he doesn't even have to wake up early," which is problem for most n-people troglodytes

4) Greggg says he's "glad Trump doesn't believe in global warming because THIS RULES (a 50 degree day in NYC in the end of November). That means for the rest of our lives it's gonna be nice and toasty in the winter."

5) Greggg admits he "shopped at Abercrombie and Fitch way too many years past my prime. I had to tap out finally because of the topless boys, club music, and perfume." Although he used their bags despite being softcore gay porn.

6) He then panic checks his phone to see if cow tongue has gotten back to him in the 40 seconds since he last mentioned it. He's panicking that he'll have to carry the show with Doug since Doug clearly doesn't really want to be there.

7) He admits to wanting to get a "schedule" set up for his show, which means going forward it will be "Sherrod Mondays" on Oqie Raqio. Sherrod apparently TOOK Mondays, saying "I want Monday's, that's no one else's day" and it's not close to the first time he hasn't shown.

8) Greggg pretends to know a joke, then says there's probably one, then gets incredulous that Doug doesn't know it, then can't come up with one, and gets bailed out when Doug decides to abruptly change topics.

Greggg "doesn't want to make The Monday Joke because I like Sherrod Small."

Paul: "What is it?"

Greggg: "You know the Monday joke. Forget it. I'm not racist, Paul, so I'm not gonna fawkin say it. I just know there's a Monday joke out there somewhere. How was your Thanksgiving, Doug?"

DB: "I'm trying to think of a racist Monday joke."

Greggg: "YOU DON'T KNOW THE RACIST MONDAY JOKE?!

DB: "I can't think of it."

Greggg: "All right... I'm not gonna be the one."

DB: "Is it just some general laziness joke?"

Greggg: "Ah-uhh-hhha-ahhh-mmm-nn-nn I mean aren't most racist jokes lean towards laziness?"

DB: "That's one of the traits that racists like to hit on. All right, do you know how much Burt Kreischer weighs?"

Compelling.

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This is all within the first 6 minutes of a show. I'm assuming he's been off air for five days and has NOTHING to come out of the gates with.

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9) Of course Greggg thinks it's "amazing that Burt has the confidence to do a special shirtless" and thought he was badass for coming in studio, taking his shirt off, and drinking Tito's vodka. Greggg should be impressed by shameless alcoholics, they've made his career. Greggg throws to a video of Burt doing an impression of midget wrestling, no loffs were had in-studio or on the tape, in a transparent attempt to eat up more time in case Sherrod gets back to him.

10) Andre the Giant and Princess Bride talk

11) Wait, now Greggg is talking about Home Alone and "film flubs which are driving me FFFAWKIN NUTS" like when the pointy end of the iron hit Daniel Stern on the face and then he has an iron mark on his face! And when Buzz is shoving pizza in his face, then he's eating ANOTHER slice of pizza!

"It's a John Hughes movie, right?"

DB: "Yes"

Answer: WRONG, it's a Cris Columbus movie.

12) Greggg is all in with calling them "film flubs" although they're widely known as continuity errors. Greggg used to watch ENTIRE movies with his brothers and call out film flubs and you could call it ahead of time, like if they're eating/drinking. That sounds truly and unrepentantly awful.

13) "Can I tell ya a couple other things about Home Alone?" I'll spare you but they talk about movies in a uncompelling fashion for several minutes until they start to Google "Good Mother penis". Greggg feels a great joke coming on: "That's a hell of a Google search! Bruce Jenner is gonna pop up!" Doug titters politely, Greggg admits "that was hack, I gotta say that was a little hacky," Doug legit laughs at how shit Greggg is, so to shift focus, out of nowhere:

14) Greggg: "Guess what, no Sherrod Small it looks like!"

DB: "Did he write back?"

Greggg: "NO!!........ umm so I'm assuming that means he's not coming. but.. uhh-ahh-mm-nn-thh-fff don't make me fawkin ya know, uhh, call uhh uhh STUNT BRAIN out of the bullpenn for today I'LL DO THAT SHIT so where did you go for Thanksgiving, Doug Benson?" As natural and smoothly executed as interracial marriage.

Now Doug is droning about Thanksgiving, watching sex scenes with his mother, and Greggg's droning about do-coo-men-trees sparing you.

15) Sherrod texts Doug back "Who dis?", not Greggg.

Greggg has five texts from Sherrod: "Sherrod didn't charge new phone, just woke up, will be here tomorrow. Phone was dead. Fuck. Called Roland. Fuck. I so sorry Opie"

Professional cuck then says, "Uhh Gawdd, he cancels on me alllll the time.. but come on in tomorrow! Come on in tomorrow! You know what, E-Rock, we're doing some radio together, buddy!"

Please stop threatening us.

16) Greggg then announces on air that he's begging Sherrod to come in anyway. Sherrod is now texting everyone immediately. He either is truly the archetypal racist stereotype of ignorant, lazy black people or he just fucking hates Greggg and believes tomorrow will be the last show so he "slept in". Either way, THIS IS GOING GREAAAT

17) Back to dah-coo-men-trees, wait no, more lies from childhood. Greggg's Thanksgiving, allergies, having 84 siblyings, being poor... as a child, Greggg went to the doctor maybe every 2 years for "special occasions". He then starts stuttering and mumbling his points that they never were sick, broke bones, or had cavities, his obvious tell of "I'm making all this shit up". Greggg then tries to change the topic saying he'd like to smoke some weeeeeed man.

They would only get one haircut a year on the "but she was cool enough to get it on the last day of school then that hair would grow back during the year." They would only get shoes once every three years and would tape them up. His mom was so poor that instead of paying a little for periodic, preventative care she would wait until "I had 7 cavities and then it would be complete torture because he would fill my mouth with silver". Greggg then says when he got some money, the first thing he did was replace the silver with white. He blames his crooked teeth on this, although he just said he has money for corrective dental work.

18) Now dah-coo-men-trees, 30 seconds in and they take a call that Greggg is a doctor.. Gregg announces he's a "speech comm major".. THAT'S fucking hilarious.

The caller says has heard every show for the last 15 years, which is surprising because he sounds so dull and tedious. He asks, "Have ya listened to the morning show much at all or do ya listen to that?"

Gregg "can honestly say I haven't heard uhhh a minute of it."

Caller, sounding tough: "Well, if I hear another MMMMInute of their STUPID banter, I'm gonna PUKE!"

FAWKIN HOME RUN, SCARY GUY!

19) Some caller says he went to a live taping of DLM and got hit by a donut! Cuhhh-RAY-zee! Stuntboy Greggg says he'd eat a donut if it landed icing side down, "who ^cares?! in a second! Do it right ^noww. I-I-I-I hate people who go "I'd do it" but y-n-n- do it, I'll do it. I don't give a FFFAWK! I ate eggs that had cockroaches crawling all over it!"

Caller ends with, "I wish you were on last night, Op. I wish you had Opie on more often because the guests were a little subpar last night but I had a good time."

BURIED THE MORNING JAM, SOCK CUCKA!

20) Greggg is CONVINCED this documentary Gleason is going to SWEEP the Oscars! Definitely a shoe-in for best adapted screenplay, best VFX, best sound editing, best actor, best supporting actress. Dis nigga retarded. They then watch the entire trailer and keep talking about it for at least 15 minutes. "This guy is responsible for ALS awareness, raised SO MUCH FFFAWKIN MONEY, he's on Twitter and communicates with his eyes." Why can't such bad things happen to more tedious people?

After stuttering incoherence about this documentary for 15 minutes and watching his body deteriorate as it is ravaged by the disease, Greggg asserts: "His quality of life, believe it or not, hasn't changed that much. It's extremely different, YES. But he's still that same person inside and trying to live his life to the fullest."

If something that was a certain way is now "extremely different," by definition, it HAS changed "that much".

Greggg then says he "read The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, believe it or not!" Based on Greggg not remembering the disease the guy had, which is the basis for the entire book/movie, I do NOT! Uhh-uhh..yynn-whh-thhh uhhh BELIEVE him, thank you E-Rock. It was locked-in syndrome, and I have neither seen nor read this movie book.

21) Gregg interrupts Doug's plugs to interject, "I GOT AN UPDATE FROM SHERROD! I said, 'YO! You can still make it.' He wrote, 'Jussacalled Roland to see if car wuz still here' because we get Sherrod a car. (we are now an hour into the show, an Uber will not wait 90 minutes for anyone to roll out of Chris Rock's fourth apartment in Brooklyn. Autistic Opie gets distracted mid-sentence) Why you doing that, Paul? What's wrong? What you got over there? He goes, 'By the time they get there, the show would be over. I'm in Brooklyn. Didn't get to bed til 4 am, set alarm, phone died, and I just woke back up. I'll be there tomorrow an hour early ! Although I started Facebooking live before the show.'"

There is literally no way it would take two hours to get an Uber to Bed Stuy and drive to Midtown. Sherrod is lazy. And black. And stupid. And black. And apparently can't figure out how to charge a phone.

22) We're gonna, uhhh, take a little break here. Erik is going to join us, right, E-Rock? Talk about your teeth? We're gonna talk about E-Rock's teeth, Doug Benson. Then I got Stuntbrain coming in today to talk a little politics, talk a little Fidel Castro, talk a little uhhhh OH we got donuts, Doug.

E-Rock: We're gonna put some icing on the floor and see if you're gonna eat it!

Greggg: IT'S THE DUMBEST THING EVER!

E-Rock: It'll be a good video

Greggg: "Why would that be a good video? That's EASY! (forgetting not only was this his idea 15 minutes ago, but it was his idea to do the cockroach video) What I'll do is, I stepped in dog poo. At least that's some old gum. I can smush it into the sole of my shoe!"

DB: "Wow... you're just willing to do anything.."

Greggg, in a whisper: "I'm desperate. You heard the boards, I'm desperate. I gotta make this thing work. I'm desperate, please listen to me!"

DB: "Opie is eating shit off the floor to get people to listen."

To sum it up, Opie panicked yet again that he wouldn't be able to carry a show with only one guest. Says he might have to call in Stuntbrain and E-Rock to help. He incoherently fumbles through an hour of, I guess you can call it radio, with plenty of exaggerations and lies. When Sherrod makes it clear he's not coming in, Opie does in fact "go to the bullpen" and calls them in. And in a last ditch act of desperation, he offers to eat a dirty donut to show how crazy he is.

Well, that about sums up the end of his very lackluster, mediocre career. And thus ends this hour's exercise in utter futility. Merry Peckahs to you all.