***I've had it with these whores. Now, my profile just chronicles the vapid idiocy we refer to as women:

First thing: A lot of women on these dating sites profess to want to settle down and/or be married, but that's certainly not the vibe they're giving off.

They seem more enamored of frequently eating out and jetsetting around the world than building some savings and starting a family. Maybe some dude out there can provide you with both the dubious Carrie Bradshaw fantasy that you've come to love AND a home while paying for a kid at the same time. It ain't me, unfortunately for both of us.

I just wanted to get that out of the way because I see these profiles where the expectation is that we're going out twice a week for $100 dinners, vacationing thrice yearly on the French Riviera, Machu Pichu, and St. Bart's, buying a $1Mil home, etc.. I'm also expected to be driving a Ferrari on the Autobahn while I kill international terrorists with a retrofitted dick laser, and then rapel off a mountain with dental floss to escape into the sea on trained porpoises.

So, to be upfront with you: I'm not rich, and, even if I was, I'm afraid I'd be unwilling to provide you with your requisite level of pampering and excitement. Related: Do you know who also typically requires a high level of external stimulation? Sociopaths. Look it up. Just saying...

ALSO: I had this recurring issue on another website where women would revisit my profile 4, 5, 6 times and do NOTHING. These are 30 and 40 year-old women. PULL THE TRIGGER, YOU CREEPS. Send a message. Say something meritorious. A lot of you have an inability to communicate or initiate that would seem to indicate severe autism. Women love to histrionically portray themselves as being under the scrutiny of weirdos/stalkers, but my personal experience shows that the aforementioned creep pendulum swings both ways. I don't want the same gang of goons repeatedly visiting my profile. It's annoying. Find something else to fixate on from afar.

Now that that is out of the way, let's start with the physical:

I prefer an athletic, curvy, or even a slightly overweight woman to a waifish one.

I'm not into women younger than around 28. I think middle-aged men walking around with young girls who aren't family are straight creepy.

I'm primarily attracted to White and Asian/Pacific Islander women..

I'm not really into blondes (most of these so-called blondes are fake blondes, anyway) as I strongly prefer darker hair. Also not into any hair coloring that occurs outside of the natural human hair color spectrum.

Speaking of natural, I'm not crazy about anything fake. Boobs, eyelashes, nails, high-heels, corsets, ass pads, hair extensions--if it's fugazi, you can keep it. I don't feel the need to use anything to deceptively and unnaturally augment my appearance--why should you?

This includes makeup, BTW: A lot of women inexplicably slather on copious amounts of whore paint; detracting from their natural beauty to instead resemble overzealous, transsexual prostitutes. That doesn't look attractive. Why all the coverup? Planning to commit a bank robbery? Do you think I want that shit all over my pillowcases or staining my expensive shirts? Just wash your face regularly and get a little sun, ya goddamned ghouls! LMAO!

Look it at from my perspective: How can I not correlate your fake appearance with your personality also being superficial and fake?

Similarly, I'm not into excessive tattoos/piercings. Honestly, I feel if you're over 30 and have piercings, you're most likely either a stripper or a mental defective. Your tats I suppose we can chalk up to youthful indiscretion. What is this insipid fascination with "body modification", anyway? Do you feel that your body is such a hideous turd that it needs this garish and ostentatious detailing that detracts from the natural symmetry? Come on. You're better than that. You want to "express yourself", you say? Write a book or start a blog or something. Nothing says "Daddy didn't love me" more than looking like a carnie.

Now onto personality traits I like:

Warmth Intelligence Mellowness Serious-minded, but not career/status consumed. Someone who can put up with the fact that I'm not terribly adventurous and am a vegetarian and picky eater. I have to think of more...

P.S.: This is going to sound cold, but: I don't want to deal with a woman with kids unless those children are grown. I did the stepfather thing with an old GF's child and it's not for me. I might want to have my own kid one day, but I'm leaning a little towards "no" on that, as well.