This is such a forced, rushed hour. They're talking about everything and nothing in about 10 seconds. Jimmy is understandably not paying attention at all and is really only chiming in when something catches his ear. I honestly think that Gregg has lost the ability to form thoughts and words because about every 4 sentences, he completely loses his train of thought and goes "uhhh uhh uhhhhhhhh" while looking for very simple words.

Because I hate myself and because I want to share my misery with all of you, here's a rundown of the first hour of the show. The "hang hour," if you're Gregg, a waterhead.

• E-Rock scaring RFK Jr.

• Doing mushrooms (SpppOILER! Gregg, in his own words, was a puuhSAAAAAY! Normand claims he did them on Coney Island and the ugly people look like Dr. Seuss characters! And Normand looks at guy's dicks in the bathroom!)

• roller coasters and rides WEEEEEEE!!!! (sspooOOOiiLLeeer! they're all scared of them! Gregg was scared on a boardwalk rollercoaster ohhh boy! Jimmy will NEVER go on rides especially, in his sincere words, "the biggest most scary ones."! What a group of proud men! Except for Travis! He's the big boy in the room. I like him, he's a good egg.)

• Gregg transitions from this like a hammer into talking about K-2, that brand new, decades-old, big bad incense drug! He has absolutely no idea what he's talking about, Jimmy has completely tapped out, and they're fumbling their way through it.

• Politics! Who will Trump pick as running mate? Jimmy is DISGUSTED that Newt Gingrich is on the list! Gregg thinks that Bernie is SUCH A PHONY!!! for endorsing HILLARY!! Gregg keeps asking "anyone? anyone know anything about this?" They don't.

• Gregg then opines, verbatim, that Ruth Bader Ginsburg: "I've always thought she seems a widd.. uhh.. a bit.. ..uhh.. a bit uhh.. on the older side.. now. WILLD LAAADAAAY... WILLD LAAADAY.. and that's YOUR POLITICAL NEWS!!". What does that MEAN? How can someone ALWAYS think something presently?

• Mark Normand tells everyone he met up with a girl in Austin that he slept with.. and proudly announces he gave her chlamydia!! Way to go Mark! And the "800" other women you've slept with, you pathological petri dish. The entire room is DEAD fucking silent for a good 30 seconds. It's okay, Mark Normand didn't have any symptoms so he's fine. And also because, as he claims, chlamydia only lasts in your system for 10 days but "you could get a penicillin thing or something." This is completely inaccurate, the antibiotic treatment lasts 10 days. Do not trust this man with anything physical.

• I think they somehow managed to seg into why masturbation is safer than unprotected sex. Sorry for getting technical with you, gonna let you behind the curtain a little bit, teach you some radio inside knowledge that's not so obvious: "Seg into" means segue, as in to seamlessly flow from one topic of conversation to another related one. Like how Mark Normand's venereal diseases is related to... Gregg was SOOO poor growing up. HOW POOR WAS HE? Gregg was SO poor growing up, that Gregg had uhhh.. like 4 beds in his room...? HOLDONHOLDONHOLDON. Gregg gets caught lying about how many bunk beds in his old room. Invents the following new entry into The Hughes Family Fables: Two sets of bunk beds in one room, three older boys had their own bunk and his twin brothers had to share the fourth bed.

• Gregg used to masturbate with all four brothers in the room. Mark Normand used to jerk off at sleepovers at the same time with his friends, which is probably the only real story so far.

• Mark Normand then tells a totally real story that he prefaces with, "This is not a Tucker Max story" about how his childhood friend had a videotape of his sister naked and posing in front of a mirror. Guess where it was filmed from? Anyone? That's right, the friend filmed the whole thing through a cracked door in the closet! That's not the best part! When his friend came back in the room, he TOTALLY freaked out and tackled the TV! Any of this sound familiar? Then just like the last story, the friend claims he had it for blackmailing purposes. Jeez.. how many filming naked people from a closet only to overreact and use it for blackmail stories does this kid have?

• Gregg in two sentences says, "People are saying you're full of SHIT Mark Normand about the chlamydia. I also heard that Rich Vos had a MAAJOR meltdown yesterday over the new phone system." Totally related, it's understandable. You're in luck, Mark Normand saw Rich Vos last night and Gregg wants the audio because Vos was losing his mind.

• Lamar from Columbus, Ohio calls in to say he saw Jim when he was in Thornville for The Gathering. He didn't actually, he just wanted to mock Jimmy for performing for the juggling clown people. It was the most clever moment of the show so far, so subtle you'd miss it. But anyway, Lamar says Mark Normand is totally wrong about chlamydia, you can't just wait it out.. obviously. You may show no symptoms but you have to go to the doctor to get treatment.. obviously. Mark Normand gets audibly uncomfortable that chlamydia usually piggybacks onto gonorrhea and he hasn't had an HIV test is quite some time because his voice noticeably trembles. According to Mark Normand, Ari Shaffir told him to wait 10 days. Great source! They're going to get Doctor Steve on the phone, which obviously leads us to

• Pokemon Go! Mark Normand has never played it because he doesn't get it. Wait no, Dr. Steve... Wait no.. the phone system sucks. Mark Normand is still fixated on the fact that chlamydia can turn into gonrrhea. Dr. Steve? Yes? No? BUUUURP!

• Okay, Mark Normand HAS played Pokemon Go because he says the graphics are terrible but he still doesn't get it.

• Gregg is amazed that some people are playing Pokemon at the "9-1-1" memorial and other historic, somber sites. Gregg keeps showing how much he knows because at Level 5, you get to go to the gym!

• Dr. Steve. We all know what he's going to say so I'm not going to bother. But basically, ladies, if you've slept with Mark Normand, you 100% have an STD. We all hope it's terminal because you slept with a monotonous, lying, pig-loving hack.

• Dr. Steve explains to the freshman health class how STD tests work. Mark Normand doesn't want to get tested, especially the Q-tip in your urethra, so he's just going to buy a Z-Pack instead. Actually now Mark Normand is trying to commit prescription fraud over the airwaves by hitting Dr. Steve up for a script. Ladies and gentleman, a sociopath.

• Gregg can't figure out the phone system and neither can Rich Vos. Gregg has the hilarious idea for the next Pokemon game: "find Rich Vos's BRRAAAAAIN... in New York City." Gregg doesn't realize what he just said because, as his hilarious joke implies, he is not a bright man.

• Gregg is reading a fake story that spouses are going through each other's phones and seeing where each Pokemon was found and they're finding out that their spouse has been hunting for them near their exes' house. He completely believes it's real. Travis points out it probably is fake just to get in the news. Gregg starts reading the story and now suddenly believes "oh, that's the fake part of the story just to get people's attention. Oh they're just saying that to get in the news." What a unique idea!

• Mark Normand tells another 100% real story that he's only ever seen one person in the country's largest city playing the most popular phone game of all time at Bryant Park, asked him what he was doing, and kept walking. What a cool guy!

• Gregg is definitely "only installed it for my kid". Except he's playing it on his own phone and found them in studio.

• Gregg is trying to go to break, teasing some Joe "Puh-TARE-know". He said this in earnest and not his 'hilariously mispronouncing words on purpose' voice.

• Jimmy is obsessed with Gypsy Woman by David Brent and how hilariously bad he is, how all his efforts are enraging and fall flat, and how big of an unfunny ASS he is. I don't think Jimmy realizes he's been employed by real-life David Brent, Gregg Hughes. They are playing the song and talking over it. I'll admit, the song is actually pretty funny.

• Gregg wants to go see the movie. He forgets it's only showing in London so he says, "Get, uhh... uhh.. uhh.. get.. uhh... uhh... DON WICKLAND! on the phone" as if he is surprised he just remembered his long term boss' name. He's been doing this literally all hour, forgetting basic info. Let's hope it's dementia.

The sponsored ads for the first break include such revolutionary, exemplary, and famous corporations, such as:

1) Jim Norton whoring for tickets and Kid Voted Most Likely to Perform for Clown People

2) Townhall with Brian Cranston today at 1 PM on NW Radio, whatever the fuck that is. Channel 105. Only good ad on here.

3) CLR, the calcium, lime and rust remover. Ohhh BOYY! You don't want any of those on your pipes! The VO actor is some serious Kirk Sinnamin guy, except his cheery voice would be better suited to hawking sick FAWKING PUPPY chow or kids bubble bath SUUUuu^{u^} u^u re I'm losing my mind.

4) Business incorporation guides for Incorporate.com If a company has its purpose as its URL, it's a reputable entity, just like pets.com, which was a huge success. 1-800-928-5997

5) Something that proudly announces, "This is REAL dental insurance." If it has to tell you it's real insurance, it's definitely "real". 1-800-919-3136

6) We all know the reputation of legendary financier Ethan Centuria, founder and CEO of Deal Struck. I'm gonna guess their website is www.dealstruck.com because they are in the business of deal striking. (844)494-LOAN, the #1 Google result for this totally not payday loan shark is an XM Radio fan site, which makes sense and legitimizes this company since XM still exists for years.

7) This is Opie Radio.. are the boys back?!?!?! They are not.

8) Damon Runyon 5k at Yankee Stadium. HOLD ON WAIT I GOT somethin.. tsssss. what are ya.. gonna RUN ON YA baseball diamond? fawkin home run, go to break E-Rock. wait a second, we already are! And on our 8th ad so far!

9) Seattle Sutton's healthy eating. It's geriatric Blue Apron.. wait no, Freshly for those that are not so freshly. Get it? They're going to die. Senior citizens call 1-800-442-DIET if your cataracts are pudding skins or you can't read letters on your oversized phone or your Alzheimer's prevents you from remembering words, that's DIET, 1-800-442-3438 or go to www.seattlesutton.com If you're about to die, listening to satellite radio, and using the Internet DON'T WAIT! Get healthy meals delivered to your house and eke it out to August.

10) WARNING! IF YOU ARE DROWNING IN CREDIT CARD DEBT, YOU DON'T HAVE TO PAY IT ALL BACK! IF YOU HAVE $5,000 OR MORE IN CREDIT CARD DEBT CALL CREDIT ASSOCIATES NOW! DO NOT LET THE CREDIT CARDS TRICK YOU INTO PAYING BACK YOUR DEBTS! WE DEPEND ON YOUR SUCCESS 1-800-951-5675 THAT'S 1-800-951-5675 1-800-951-5675. we heard you... At least they depend on your success though, so you know you're not going to get fucked.

11) Do you have sleep apnea? Kill yourself. Just kidding! MiniCPAP.com As small as a soda can and weighs less than a pound! And the battery is the size of a deck of cards! Call MiniCPAP at.. waiiit a minute, that's the url not the company this time! Call Transend at 1-800-644-1907 Guess Transend.com was already claiming by Anth.. tsss. Wait they just also said "call MiniCPAP.com now" Solid branding there!

12) Be honest, will owning a bigger TV get you ahead in life? Will a new pair of shoes make you a better person? Will buying a 9mm violate your court order? Try Rosetta Stone because polyglots are O&J's demo. 1-800-700-9220

13) ICYMI: Someone talking about turtle dicks. It's not gay if it's a reptile. Pete Davidson says turtles fuck like regular people.

Sailing by Christopher Cross is playing but wait a second, it's a sweeper!! A gravely awesome Jim Florentine tough guy says "Whaaat the fuck is this shit? The boys are back." Oh boy, the boys are back!! Can't wait for hour two!

Gregg, "What do you mean 'what the fuck is this shit?'" because he's confused and is arguing with his own sweeper. He continues in his confusion, "That'sthat's yacht.. uhh.. yacht.. uhh... yacht rock.. or Yacht Rawk Radio, I forget. HUHHH?" (as old, deaf, confused guy as you can read it.) "Have you checked out the Yacht Rawk Raqio? It's all the craze this summer. It's channel 18. Someone told me it's Channel 18. I think it's 18. I know it's 18. I actually listen to Yacht Rawk Radio and they play a little Christopher Cross."

See, Gregg is being a company man but he doesn't want US to know that he's being a company man. He's way too cool for that! Now I'M the confused one and want to cry. Why would you bash an artist you like in your own sweeper? Why are you arguing with yourself? Why are you pretending you don't like something just to profess your love for it? Why does a premium satellite radio station have 13 ads when there's supposed to be zero? Why does Mark Normand have a career? How has Gregg not gotten breast cancer yet? AND WHY AM I STILL LISTENING?!?!

AND WHERE IS JIMMY?! Oh wait he's here, but WHY DID IT TAKE HIM THREE MINUTES TO SAY SOMETHING AFTER BREAK? Oh because they're bashing Ghostbusters for the second day in a row while the director is about to come in. Makes sense. Aaand we've come full-circle. Happy herpes to you all.

Edit 1: Obligatory Noowee in Michigan!!! Wait.. is that Snowy? Why would they write in Noowee? IT IS him! Snowy in Michigan, SNOWAAAYY!!! "Great show as always guys." Aww.. the poor little liar. PS: They're still talking about Ghostbusters. Jimmy is bitching about the Busters bitchers, Gregg won't let this topic die. Nothing about Dallas or Baton Rogue or wherever the fuck Minnesota. Paul Feig in next, 15 minutes on and more commercials. There was an ad for Race Wars with Chocolate Chip and Cuck Dametzo, dassabesso just cuckin not fuggin. I won't give Cow Tongue any attention so I am skipping a write up on these ads. And also because I saw a 1-877-KARS-4-KIKES and I'm not getting that SHIT jingle stuck in my tough guy head.

EDIT 2 add: Paul Feig is not in. Did they piss him off? Let's hope that's another bridge burned. It's that dumb snowboarder bitch Kaitlyn Farirngton whose spine is about to paralyze herself. She's hungover again, shocker. She's going to throw up, shocker. I hope she pukes so hard she self-herniates. Mark Normand used to drink on the way to the show when he first came on. Seems legit. I'm pretty sure she's telling the exact same story about climbing Denali. I could swear she told this story but I'm barely paying attention what she and "her group of homies" did.