Jim is that faggot whose been friendzoned but still happy just to have people see them together in public.

This mud shark broad is into the darkest bulls there is, she is grooming the Jimmy worm to prep the bull and clean his massive loads out of her ass, how do I know this? Because he stinks and I don't like him

The ole' Metzger Meatbowl

Worse. Her actual boyfriend/husband is an open mic'er in LA.

Do you think Jim cries when he hears her fucking the hotel bartender in the next room?

Cries and masturbates

So are you saying Jimmy is an actual cuck? That might be the first time I've heard the word used correctly on this sub.

Not true. Every time Kurt and cuck are in the same comment it's used correctly. Unless you said something like "Kurt Metzger is the furthest thing from a cuck."

i mean, if you havent spunked to at least one cuck porn vid you just haven't been on the internet long enough yet

I prefer /r/cuckquean

Jimmy's admitted as much several times. He says the only turn off would be if the bull were a friend, anyone else is fair game.

That's hot

As she orders her second cosmo, Jim winces involuntarily. Partly because he's heard about this kind of lunacy before in meetings, partly because the barman is over 6 feet, broad shouldered and with a full head of hair. As Jimmy nurses his club soda, he can't help but notice how Kelsey is flirting incessantly with the adonis serving her, even though he's all but ignoring her.

Yet she isn't responding to Jim's self-deprecating schtick about what an unattractive, sexually confused zilch he is. He glares at the man, with a mixture of resentment and lust. Why do these girls always go for the aloof bastards and not a nice attentive guy like me, Jimmy asks himself.

30 minutes later, while listening to the guy on $10/hr (plus tips) power fuck his opener in the room next door, Jim ponders his next move. Is he not making enough money? Is his shirt wrong? He mulls this over, before conceding to shame and wanking over the noises coming from the next room. Sounds he never thought a woman could make.

What are talking about? He's probably watching them while sitting in a chair spanking it in the same room while calling her a dirty rotten pig whore.

i fucking hate skinny jim.

"If we're seen together enough people will think we're together! I'm not gay everyone! See I'm with a woman, a real one! Also if she gets famous she will put me in some projects."

which one of jim's friends is she going to leapfrog fuck in order to advance one more rung in her comedy career?

I hope it's a fat guy so all his aids inspired weight loss will be for nothing.

He's such a classless dunce. It isn't the great depression, steak for every dinner isn't impressive it's just weird.

Steak for every dinner and not a muscle in sight.

You'd think by the descriptions of him furiously masturbating 40 times a day he would have some well developed forearms at least.

Maybe if he did something other than the elliptical and kettlebell cardio he'd stop looking like an aids patient and make proper use of all the protein he's getting from various sources.

The reason he looks like an AIDS patient is because he's an AIDS patient.

When I lived in Seattle, I couldn't figure out why there were so many skinny gay guys on Capitol Hill, then one of my friends clued me in that they're all on the AIDS diet.

What's the AIDS diet?

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wasting

I don't get his shitty joke.

i think he meant the cow was scared? very cutey joke m8

that piece of cow meat looks delicious but i bet the cow that it came from was very scared before a man came and slit its throat or sumtin dvvv dvvvv not gay dvvv

Wait. I think I figured it out. The quote isn't the joke. The "funny" part of this tweet is that he's trying to ruin her dinner. Haha.

See, he's reminding her that her dinner used to be a scared, living thing with feelings; hopefully ruining her meal. Haha, Jim!

Jesus.

Well, at least it's probably not awkward to see a nearly 50 year old man, whip out his phone and snap a picture of his pretty friend eating her dinner, then immediately uploading it to Twitter.

somebody call the plumber, this bitch's basement is flooding. Yours would be too if you were being fawned over by a 45 year old bag of estrogen like jeem

Ah the old vegan you know that delicious steak used to be an animal and was probably scared when it took the nail gun to the head gag.. Lol! Gets my every time! Hahahaha! xD

awww yim yim is so so sweet m8

I was at dinner, and I made a joke about the beef, and everyone was laughing their balls off. Trust me guys, it was hilarious. Why aren't you laughing?

Just stop Jim.

I'd make some harsh criticisms but I'm just a civilian

Steak looked so great, it must have been worth $60,000.

Jims jealous because he would love to have a steak but steak is 500 calories and it would go over his daily caloric intake by 150

AIDS piss in his Schweppes.

I can't wait until he makes another cartoon to try and woo this one.

I don't get it.

Ugh

I'd eat her ass.

http://i.imgur.com/4GYZVSm.jpg

Real talk.

Jimmy hasn't become a vegetarian has he?

God I couldn't stand sanctimonious Vegan Jimmy. "Well you can eat that hamburger if you want but you know humans weren't meant to be meat eaters. We don't properly digest meat which is why we get so many stomach and bowel problems. I prefer all vegetables now when I eat and I am much better for it. I'll have a delicious organic salad for my meal with just a hint of garlic oil as a dressing but you go ahead and have the chicken even though the chicken was trapped in a cage it's whole life and never saw the sun and was forced to eat until it grew plump. No no go ahead and destroy your body."

He wouldn't dare.

There is now nothing I want more than for Jim to develop another addiction and become a holier-than-thou vegan. I already dislike him anyway. He might as well go all the way.

Opie: "Come on, Jimmy. Just a little bite of this chicken wing" Jimmy: "ILL RELAPSE AND THEN ILL KILL MYSELF!"

Jimmy's game is at the level of a teenager.

It should be, that's when he started paying for sex.

First comment on The Worm's tweet is BaldOpie.

BaldOpie is a saint on Earth.

[deleted]

He's such a hypocrite for hiring her. She's NOT funny in any way. He clearly wanted that puss puss.

Thanks, Jim. I'm glad if I pay to see you I have to sit through this unfunny bullshit open for you because you can't date like a normal person.

Why get an opener your paying customers would actually enjoy seeing when you can just trot out some unfunny cunt you're trying to fuck?

I never heard her speak but there's no way she could be funny if she's that hot

Saw Jim n september at carolines. She was the middle and some indian dude opened. She was fucking awful, she closed with something about makes a scented car pine thing that smelled like vagina. Then she went on to sell shirts after the show with a picture of it. If a guy did her act Jim would never work with him.

If a guy did her act he would still be an open micer.

If a guy did her act Jim would still be trying to fuck him

What about a closed ratter??????

fawkin gud 1

That's the same bit that Bryan Cranston used to do when he tried stand-up at the beginning of his acting career (late 80's, early 90's). He knew it was a hack bit then and now 20+ years later this slit is closing with it (and using it to sell merchandise no less)...

It's all about the pussy, man. Reminds me of how Brian Redban pampers two untalented 20-somethings on his Killtony show.

Confirmed.

I want to throw her in front of an elephant stampede for those facial expressions

"Guys masturbate all the time. ...There's always that dead silence after I say that."

Maybe because what you just said wasn't a joke. You can't just say something naughty or rude and expect a laugh. I bet she was expecting laughter after saying "crazy bitches" too, hence the pause.

I couldn't even finish that 1 minute clip. That Bitch is horrible. Jim is such a cuck

She has a fish like face.

She has the exact same cadence, delivery style and body language as Amy Schumer.

Amy Schumer is Jim's great white whale.

He'll spend the rest of his life trying to fill that massive void with young, blonde, dirty girl comics but eventually they all use that gravity well to catapult themselves into Hollywood leaving Jim still empty inside.

You son of a bitch...

She's married and I assume unattainable. But she reminds Jim of all the cute exes that got away. That's all that matters.

Marriage doesn't mean what it used to

I'd love to see Tough Crowd Jimmy's reaction to the present day Jim.

Nice Aidsface Jim.

I have absolutely no problem with the dude trying to smash some pussy.

Can't wait for this one to balloon too.

I had to read that tweet 3 times before i understood he was just relaying a way old hack joke he just told her, to twitter

awww yim yim is so so sweet m8

Ah the old vegan you know that delicious steak used to be an animal and was probably scared when it took the nail gun to the head gag.. Lol! Gets my every time! Hahahaha! xD

somebody call the plumber, this bitch's basement is flooding. Yours would be too if you were being fawned over by a 45 year old bag of estrogen like jeem

I was at dinner, and I made a joke about the beef, and everyone was laughing their balls off. Trust me guys, it was hilarious. Why aren't you laughing?