Jim: I have AHBD

Ant: What's that?

Jim: Adorable huggable boy disorder

Ant (immediately): I see you're cured

That was a fucking laser shot.

Jim: Here am I spending 20 minuets figuring out Abbreviations and get shot down immediately

http://youtu.be/92dJFs0fgq8

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Fuck thats funny, i havent heard that before

https://youtu.be/lsRFYHRttLk?t=33m40s

Burr and Colin were in and at some point someone asked Norton if he had any gigs coming up and Jim said he's shooting something and Colin instantly goes "yourself I hope.''

That was so fucking quick too, so great

favorite line of all time.

Can anybody find a clip of this? Made me crack up just reading it

"Norton is shaped like any container you pour him in" - Saint Patrice

"Knock it off, spade!" - Bobo

When you put it like that...

Greatest attack on Patrice, at least in delivery. Anyone know if the regulars were aware it was Sam feeding him those lines?

He was. You can even hear Bobo crinkling the paper as he reads it.

Great one

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NKWNDCCc1Is

Wasn't that a Sam line he fed to Bobo?

Hall of fame

"Don't cuck me bitch!" — bobo to his mom

Heebie Kikeburger

My son David! Jim was so right about the stereotypical jewey character. It's all I think about when I see the new Independence Day trailer. Well, that and 'will smith punched his outfit'

Traitor

Colin to Jimmy: Hush, you little jellyfish! Men of principle are speaking.

Colin to Bobby: I'm painting a portrait right now, it's called "Tibetan Lesbian on Couch."

"I really needed you that day I was crying"

Jimmy once told Vos, "You talk like a gravel driveway."

"Dont worry ladies and gentlemen these chains are made from tensile steel!"

JIM: "why do I have S-T-U on my headset?" ANT: "Cuz they forgot the P-I-D." Was fucking lightning fast. https://youtu.be/fbnqOx8PPAs

Jim: Did you say footage.

Ant: Uh, yeah.

Jim: Oh, why don't you scratch it (wheezing laughter)

A guy named Doug calls the show..

Jim: "I you a hole once"

When they are talking about Neil Patrick Harris hosting some awards show and the gay song he is singing about how life would be great if it was like theater and Jimmy is mock agreeing and Anthony goes..."Control the weather with your fist, make a mudslide." And Jimmy fucking loses it uncontrollably for over a minute.

Opie pretends to laugh and then off mic you hear him go "wait, what?"

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"Remember, everytime you say faggot, Neil Patrick Harris turns around"- Attell

https://youtu.be/85UOyYdPoh4

Colin: "stating the obvious, you fucking water moccasin"

One of the most visceral statements ever.

From one of the Ian Halperin shows I listened to the other day - Ian had been passively shitting on Jim Jefferies (or trying to) and Jefferies and Ant had been making fun of Ian and alluding to the fact that he might be gay all throughout the show. There was a bit of tension in the room between Jefferies and Ian. Then, at the end, they went round the room to ask what everyone was promoting. Ian started saying something like "well my movie's coming out next week..." and Jefferies interrupts him and says "but when are you coming out?". It doesn't sound that funny, but just the way he said it so nonchalantly was perfect and it gets me every time.

edit: Here's the clip.

Ant's "Oh, I'm a fucking hoot" line is one of the most perfectly delivered things I've ever heard.

Thats a great case of a joke not even being good but the timing and delivery makes it as great as an clever or well thought out joke you've heard

That clip has so many great one liners

That whole show was great

Ant calling Scorch "a regular Johnny Carcinogen."

Jack Sub Par

(Talking about the south sending delegates up to negotiate with Lincoln about not abolishing slavery in agreement for ending the war. Plans fell through because the delegates couldn't arrive on time)

Anthony: "if I had a time machine, I'd go back with a Ferrari and pick them up"

Read this palm, you gypsy bitch!

Link? Don't remember hearing that one

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TFfIUsppOBA

A goddamn saint if there ever was one.

read these tea leaves!

Quizzing Bobo on his driving test. Opie - What's a blinking yellow? Vos - Norton with hepatitis.

Fuckin' "Lady Nyahhhh" gets me every time.

Not sure if that qualifies as a one liner, but whatever.

"I'm a water buffaler?"

Link?

Saint Patrick's day show 2014

With denny and di

Caller: "hey box I'm a train conducter" Ant: "Choo Choo"

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"people skills of a hornet falalalala"-Jimmy Does that count? I dont give a shit

Easily This

Dr. Steve: The only way for shit to come out is by piling more shit on top of it

Anthony: Sounds like our material

Love how the top 5 or comments are all Anthony lines, but yea, Opie would have been just as successful without him

One of my favorites:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fbnqOx8PPAs

God, who was that awfully dumb hole in studio?

His name is Gregg but he goes by Opie.

Opie?

Mary Jean

Pic from studio

Paraphrasing: "Jim is the shape of whatever container you pour him into."

Who's he, some kind of rapper?

Someone was having a serious discussion about President Lincoln and Anthony said, "that old buttinsky."

raise your fist, make a mudslide

Jim: Why do my headphones say STU ANT: They forgot the PID

Hmm.."Instead of the man in black she's the cunt in garbage" Jimmy referring to a lady that looked like Johnny Cash on Hoarders. And just about anything Jimmy's said about conjoined twins. And Louie's Blinded By The Light misheard lyric joke. I don't know, theres alot.

That original 'Hoarders' smash show is first ballot hall of fame

After Patrice died everyone was in studio and Attell was complaining about people not watching Patrice live and how they needed money to be donated, "we have to buy a purple suit and gigantic coffin!"

Otto saying Auntie Em committed suicide by taking a bunch of pills, tying a bag around her head and "shoved hay in her twat and asshole."

"Room 206: More Hay. Be a dear and run down to the dry cleaner and get me some twist sticks"

Referring to Vos' speech impediment I think, said said "he has a mouthful of poliwogs"

Just remembered another one. Dipalo and patrice were arguing and nick brought up allen ginsburg and patrice screamed JEW!!! Made me spit out my coffee

Edit nick also called bloomberg a goo gobbler.

It was Jimmy that screamed "JEW!". Nonetheless it was hilarious

to me this is why i listened to the show, fuck bits and entire segments, the ONLY reason I (and the ppl here, i suspect) sometimes try and listen to the show is for quick "throw away" lines.

THE BEST LINE was when Bree was blowing the intern and Jimmy snuck in. She says "I'm such a whore..." and Jimmy whispers "...she just read all our minds."

I . was. Howwwwllinnng.

Where Opie went ahh there's the joke.

Or that other time when bonnie made a joke and Opie finished it with her saying Ah you beat me to it.

Also turkey noise

The BEST unacknowledged line I've heard, been listening since 2007.

During the Patrice had a stroke announcement show, Jim mentioned fans giving well wishings to Patrice and Vos said, "Oh well".

Not the best; but an honorable mention to Louis C.K.'s charge while discussing the origins of racial slurs; (paraphrased)"Then some black guy was acting like a nigger, so they said 'hey nigger'"

When Ventura called Norton a spineless worm.

Jim referring to Erock's new 'Hogwarts express train': "Someone likes to chew-chew and has one"

Intern David demonstrates his interviewing skills, after Bobo mentions he likes Lost:

"Oh, you like the show Lost? you're a big fan? do you watch every week, every day, when it's on, Lost, when it's on every week?"

Anthony and Patrice have been making racist Gallagher jokes for half an hour. Gallagher is irritated and takes off his glasses.

Opie: He just took off his glasses.

Anthony: Maybe he puts them on over the hood.

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"What's uncomfortable about this? It's not uncomfortable; it's just a man, crying, in a room full of other men."

Thought of another. Patrice and Colin were in and arguing about something. Patrice said something Colin didn't agree with so Colin goes "quiet you Niiii...ncompoop"

Sam: "You'll find Jen most often hanging out with her awesome son Jacob, or working on her many hidden talents which include: tap dancing, belting out show tunes... fitting her whole fist in her mouth-"

Ant: "All right! How about mine?"

"P-the-G? How about K-the-N?" at 4:00 https://youtu.be/Ou_0FeDBv9I

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=67Hq2EvHyS4 everything jimmy says here. you just have to ignore the urge to cringe out of your skin every time opie interrupts and "wants to hear more about the crab special"