r/opieandanthony: I found out why Joe Cumia is so angry (my professional analysis)

I found out why Joe Cumia is so angry (my professional analysis)

59 2015-12-29 by FREDERICA_BIMMEL

So Ant is banging Dawn. That's no secret to anyone who watches their karaoke duets. My theory is that Brother Joe has been jealous of this for years. He is the unfuckable brother. The 'Tyrion Lannister' of the Cumia family, if you will. This jealousy and bitterness makes him lash out at "haters". It helps him feel better and it also gives him the attention he strives for so that sweet Dawny will notice him.

Years ago, Ant and Dawn had a brief falling out, where they stopped banging for a little bit. This excited Brother Joe. This was it. He was finally going to get a taste of Dawn. However he was passed over. She ended up having a fling with Fez 'Marie' Whatley, which was discussed on the Ron & Fez show. Dawn rather have sex with an asexual crazy fagala than ol Ham Tits Joe. She said she needed a "real man".

Eventually Ant and Dawn got back together. So now Joe is back to only longing for Dawn's pussy. He still fantasizes about being invited to a 3-some, but of course he'd only get sloppy seconds. It would be his honor to follow Ant, like he usually does. Knowing Joe, he'd probably lean in and take a little taste of Anth's goo, just a little taste. He's been curious all these years. He wants to be "Anth" so bad, he has to find out how he tastes. He wants to compare the taste to the taste of his Dad's cum (Joe used to blow Daddy). At first it was just to stop the beatings, but after the beatings stopped Joe would do it anyway just for the taste.

I'm a professional in the Psychology field, so I'm confident in the accuracy of this post. Feel free to add your own theories.

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25 comments

70 clucker220 2015-12-29

Dec 31 New Year's Eve w/ Rich Vos, Dave Attell, Todd Barry, Big Jay Oakerson, Bonnie McFarlane, Dan St. Germain, and More! The Stand NYC New York, New York

Dec 31 Watch The Ball Drop! w/ Judah Friedlander, Rich Vos, Todd Barry, Big Jay Oakerson, Bonnie McFarlane, Dan St. Germain, and More! The Stand NYC New York, New York

Jan 2 Rich Vos - SPECIAL EVENT Brokerage Comedy Club Bellmore, New York

Jan 5 $5 Funnies w/ Nick DiPaolo, Rich Vos, Bonnie McFarlane, Dan Soder, Bonnie McFarlane, Vladimir Caamano, and More! The Stand NYC New York, New York Helium Presents: Rich Vos Helium Comedy Club Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Jan 8 Helium Presents: Rich Vos Helium Comedy Club Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Jan 9 Helium Presents: Rich Vos Helium Comedy Club Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Jan 15 Rich Vos Bananas Comedy Club Hasbrouck Heights, New Jersey

Jan 16 Rich Vos Bananas Comedy Club Hasbrouck Heights, New Jersey

Jan 29 Rich Vos - SPECIAL EVENT Brokerage Comedy Club Bellmore, New York

Jan 30
** MOVED TO 1/2/16** Rich Vos - SPECIAL EVENT Brokerage Comedy Club Bellmore, New York

Apr 21
Rich Vos - from 'My Wife Hates Me' podcast and Last Comic Standing The Stress Factory New Brunswick, New Jersey

Apr 22
Rich Vos - from 'My Wife Hates Me' podcast and Last Comic Standing The Stress Factory New Brunswick, New Jersey

Apr 23 Rich Vos - from 'My Wife Hates Me' podcast and Last Comic Standing The Stress Factory New Brunswick, New Jersey

May 6 RICH VOS - SPECIAL EVENT McGuires comedy club Bohemia, New York

May 7
RICH VOS - SPECIAL EVENT McGuires comedy club Bohemia, New York

May 7
RICH VOS - SPECIAL EVENT McGuires comedy club

19 GleepGlorpFloopdedoo 2015-12-29

May 8

RICH VOS - Self-inflicted gunshot wound

1 holodog 2015-12-29

That actually does sound like a comedy album title.

13 racemic_mixture 2015-12-29

I hope that this becomes a thing.

2 AmbientHostile 2015-12-29

Thanks, Rich.

44 AntTheFelonCumia 2015-12-29

Dawn Cumia is the most handsome of the Cumia boys.

20 panjshirlion 2015-12-29

Interesting analysis, but if I were to guess, I'd say he's just a big dumb guinea.

17 Nulltor 2015-12-29

Are you a great big fat person?

13 chipskipbud 2015-12-29

I figured it was cause he makes a living pretending to be the Edge.

7 imcrapyall 2015-12-29

If anything he is theon. A dickless nothing adopted by a family who is slowly losing their power and a slave to anyone holding the leash.

6 RonsCigar 2015-12-29

Is that you Lydia?

7 Jackthejew 2015-12-29

LOVELY LYDIA WITH HER BODACIOUS BUST. GYRATING AND JIGGLING FOR YOUR VERY PLEASURE.

1 youreap 2015-12-29

that buxotic was radio death.

1 youreap 2015-12-29

that buxotic was radio death.

5 albright1969 2015-12-29

Ham tits Joe. lol

4 Jackthejew 2015-12-29

I like these aggressively disgusting theories

4 Anarox 2015-12-29

Jesus Christ

4 JohnTravoltasHair 2015-12-29

George R.R BIMMEL

3 [deleted] 2015-12-29

[deleted]

2 bradnasty 2015-12-29

This would explain why ant bought dawn a new ass

1 iris201 2015-12-29

Dawn has a nice ass.

1 FrunkisOA 2015-12-29

The SEO is a genius idea, nice touch

1 sanfrancisco69er 2015-12-29

I haven't been here in a few days and man this is just a mess now. What did big joe or whatever do to become relevant?

1 bugbombs 2015-12-29

He wants to compare the taste to the taste of his Dad's cum (Joe used to blow Daddy).

I appreciate the clarification here.

-1 AgentTimex 2015-12-29

Anyone who spends more than a minute or so writing anything on this dumb sub is a special kind of sad.

-4 LouieBeanz 2015-12-29

Yawn.