We shouldn’t hate Opie. He’s a victim, not an assailant.

9  2015-03-22 by CecilP

I know it seems common place here to bash and defame this wallowed sap of a radio star, but we also have to look closely and carefully at how such a plump-breasted meanderer became the most detested man in the business.

I did some digging and spoke to one of my contacts over at Newsday, the leading paper of the Long Island area where Opie grew up, and found some quite startling news. For those who don’t know, Opie was raised by his father Frederick Hughes and mentally unstable mother in Centerport Long Island, an upscale part of the town with a median family income of $194,908 along with 6 other siblings. This may seem like a prosperous and even quite loving environment for a child of his Ilk to grow up and certainly makes us question his stories of cement bag lunches and menial labour in his backyard. That is until my colleague in the press uncovered an old story from September 15th 1971 detailing the tragic incident that forever scarred the Opester, what follows is the story ran on page 8 of the Wednesday 15th Semptember 1971 edition of Newsday.

Shock and horror befalls Centerport, LI as thirty one year old father of seven Frederick Wilford Hughes has been arrested for the kidnapping and rape of two African American teens following an investigation from Detective Lawrence Henderson of Centerport PD.

The two teens, whose names are to remain unpublished, were reported as missing on 2nd September after missing softball practice by their local coach and were last seen outside the local 7/11 with an unidentified white male. An anonymous tip off brought the police to search the address ’25 A’ in Centerport, stating that the teens appeared to be hogtied in the back of a green Chrysler Variant with their mouths covered. Police raided the house at dawn to find the two teens being sodomised whilst being forced to watch popular show ‘The Beverley Hillbillies’. Though this sadistic behaviour is surely enough to evoke disgust and outrage among any reasonable citizen, officers were shocked to find one of Frederick’s young sons, eight year old ‘Gregg Hughes’ watching from the corner of the room. Officers apprehended the suspect without a fight and brought him in for questioning promptly at central booking at Centerport PD.

Frederick Hughes is now awaiting trial and is facing 20 years to life imprisonment of kidnapping and sexual assault in the first degree. His children were released from police custody earlier Tuesday morning and will return to their mothers care. Young Gregg, who was witness to the crime asked investigators when ‘Brotherman’ will return, showing investigators that the biological children had contact with the victims and even shared a possible friendship.

Hughes is expected to be on tried on November 23rd, after an initial hearing, Police sources are confident that this will be an open and shut case with the defendant meeting the full ire of the Law.

The whole article made my blood churn and really begin to understand the psychology and angst hidden behind Opie’s personality and radio machismo. I finally understood the origin of ‘Brotherman’ and other African-American slang that he often used in his early career, along with his Jive talking impression of any Black male. It stems from this traumatic incident from his childhood when i pulled my fawkin’ peckah out and said “cum on it ain’t gonna suk itself babe” and then his mom said “oh Chippah its so big in my mouth i’m gonna gush like a broken dam or sumthin” tsss

Fin

30 comments

There was a little too much effort in this one to be legit. There's a magical middle ground you need to hit to reel them in, then...BAM! Peckahs.

ME: Please don't say BAM.

I think op was going more for comedy than for an honest to goodness chiproll. He couldn't have seriously thought anyone would've been with him after the first sentence of the news article.

I assumed it was because folk were simpler back then. I'm a dullard.

3/22/15. Remember that you did this.

You could see this one coming from a mile away, but your effort and commitment should be applauded OP. It was definitely one of the more elaborate and ingenious iterations of the classic 'gag'.

Skipped right to the end. As Opie would say three years too late: FAAAAAAIL. EPIC FAIL.

EDIT: Went back and re-read. I would have known from the first line of the fake article.

Nice try on the b8 tho.

Omg this was embarrassing

BIG FUKIN PECKAHS

Ugh, yuck.

started a new account for this....

FUK YEAH

That fawkin article probly isn't even real.. You fawkin lying piece of gawbage!

I love that Long Island is implied to be a town. 3 million-plus and growing, baby!

I could tell it was going to be Chip, yet finished it anyway. Not sure why I did.

got about halfway through the second paragraph and immediately skipped right to the end

I've become a chiproll aficionado

This post has a serious lack of "peckahs."

here you go

a extra peckah on the house

peckah on the house what is that like a rooster on the barn wakin everybody up or somethin

Homerun

Boo.

Jesus christ. Somebody call the cops I bet this psycho probably also has 57 gallon drums in his bedroom with dissolving bodies of young black men he raped and dismembered.

In all seriousness, some of his claims can actually be researched like this. Tax exemptions for churches should be public record somewhere, so the story about his Dad's fake church can be verified/debunked. Not that you slobs have the motivation or intellect to actually do it.

CecilP is a funny username and an even funnier username to post a big long bomb like this on.

Immediately when I read "I did some digging and spoke to one of my contacts over at Newsday," I knew it was a Chiproll. None of us lowlife rejects have contacts with anybody other than that odd smelling ethnically ambiguous dude working the counter at the liquor store.

Immediately went to the last line...finally paid off

I suspected a chiproll to begin with, my suspicions deepened when the raped boys weren't named, but Young Gregg was, and I became entirely sure at Brotherman. I'm ashamed it took me that long to be certain.

I knew the story wasn't real since I never heard the black girls were tortured by having to listen to Opie trying to be funny. Of course if that were true, then the next line would read "after only 2 hours of Opie's comedy stylings, both girls committed suicide by climbing up on the roof and jumping head first into a thumb tack!

That was the most elaborate chiproll I've seen...congrats.

Trying way too hard here. The best chip rolls are the ones that open up like the poster has inside show info. This one is too elaborate and "try hard". Plus Opie's dad it's dead so its a little messed up.

I assumed it was because folk were simpler back then. I'm a dullard.