Excerpt from the Cambridge Periodical

As neurologists are working to uncover the link between neuron plasticity and cognitive longevity, a team of scientists at Jerry Hopkins university led by Chip Chipperson is conducting comprehensive research and experimentation to analyze the acoustical wavelengths emitted from "floorboards under the weight of Lamar as he helps my mom fix the floorboards", and why they possess the rhythmic frequency and vibrations that simulate consenting sexual intercourse. According to Chip, "when Lamar fixes the floorboards, the hammer hitting the nails sounds like my mother screaming oh lamar, fuck me harder in the vagina."

This auditory implication is astounding: apparently, when a subject hits iron nails with a steel hammer, the sound emitted actually resembles a female utterance of a highly specified phrase.

While these findings are still in their rudimentary stage of formulation, childhood development psychologist Paul Hagus is analyzing the developmental effects of sexual abuse in children under the age of ten.