Patrick's EPIC "Blappy" Story

9  2019-05-20 by stealthygeek

In a couple days, my wife and I will get in the car, drive six hours, and be surrounded by people who have loved me without preamble or condition for many, many years. Before I was published. Before I had a following. People who earned calling me "Pat."

It's my little heaven.

So I'm going to share a little #WonderFest story. It's not going to make sense to most of you.

WonderFest is a global mecha in Louisville, KY every year for unfortunate kids like me who never grew out of building model spaceships.

I have friends on every continent except Antarctica because of WonderFest. My newlywed wife and I spent a night outside Liverpool on our honeymoon staying with friends we made at WonderFest. It's a thing, and no, you're not invited if you can't build. Anyway...

...about ten years ago, a shitboat of us sci-fi model nerds were in a hotel suite getting our faces torn off by Molson XXX beer that had probably been smuggled across the Canadian border illegally by a Canuck compatriot.

We're three days into this Con. No one has eaten real food. Booze is flowing like Niagara. We're all talking shit. The Canuck looks like he's been passed out for an hour, chin on chest. We're jawing about WWII fighters for some reason.

I, being drunk, in an offhand fashion, talk about Canada's contribution to the war effort, which was considerable and honorable, and accidentally refer to the roundels on their planes as "Oak leafs."

Friends, I've been in real fights. I have seen people come to life and stand up at the slightest provocation.

But I have never seen anything like that Canadian resurrecting himself up off the suite's couch when I fucked up the tree species on the Canadian flag.

Blappy (we call him Blappy, no one knows why) openned his eyes, rose up off the couch like Nosferatu, and got right in my face shouting, "Oakleaf, motherfucker! Do I call it the Asterisks and Ribbons, you piece of shit!?"

Remember, we're in Louisville, KY, as all four-foot-nothing of this boiling cauldron of maple syrup jumps up in my grill.

What does everyone in the room do as Captain Ottawa lights off and insults our flag?

Laughs. At me. For fucking up Canada's flag.

I still hear about it.

We would all kill for Blappy. We have people who come from Canada, New Zealand, England, Hong Kong, Japan... every year. And they're family. Our big, dumb, drunk family.

34 comments

1  TheGhostOfAbeVigoda 2019-05-20

Jesus Christ. There was absolutely no point to that at all.

1  ants_ccw_permit 2019-05-20

He needed to let everyone know he has friends.

1  traffich 2019-05-20

And wife, and a car. You're looking at a regular playboy there

1  [deleted] 2019-05-20

[removed]

1  PeeSoup3030 2019-05-20

You stayed with friends on your honeymoon? You broke bitch.

1  suirogerg 2019-05-20

And outside of Liverpool, to boot.

1  FlatlipsTLumpyson 2019-05-20

Makes sense. It was probably the gangbang part of the trip.

1  SamGPHX 2019-05-20

That Canadian would have been a binational hero if he whacked that fat fuck and dumped him in the Ohio River.

1  UnwarrantedArrogance 2019-05-20

He is so cool!

1  MrStealYourVape 2019-05-20

When you realize the objective truth that people who drink do so to escape their reality, you can take pleasure in knowing who hates their life.

1  TheDarkFezRises 2019-05-20

Fat Pat thinks this is a cutsie little story to tell because he doesn't have the self awareness to realize that this was just a Canadian finally boiling over due to what he had been put through simply by being in the presence of Fatrick. Think about it, does it sound logical or rational that someone would freak out over a slight mistake like that?

1  ants_ccw_permit 2019-05-20

I have sex offender status on every continent except Antarctica because of WonderFest

1  Jim-sucks-shit 2019-05-20

I read a bit but got bored and stopped. Fat pat is the worst storyteller of all time.

1  [deleted] 2019-05-20

[removed]

1  SamGPHX 2019-05-20

So NAMBLA is calling it Wonderfest now?

1  realestassdude 2019-05-20

He is fucking awful. Learn to tell a story.

1  Fonald_Plump 2019-05-20

The first step is to have a story worth telling.

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1  SnakeBlizkin 2019-05-20

Fake and gay

1  stealthygeek 2019-05-20

Friends, I've been in real fights. I have seen people come to life and stand up at the slightest provocation.

Fisticuffs Fatrick makes a cameo. One of my favorite PST characters.

1  IGotATreeOnMyHouse85 2019-05-20

I don’t think he can go one day without mentioning he’s “been in fights” to anyone around him. Prob every time he’s at hooligans he tells the bartender “hope I don’t get into a fight tonight, am I right?” while everyone rolls their eyes.

1  2UsRoadie 2019-05-20

like Nosferatu

Wouldn't be his writing wtihout the shitty pop cultural similies.

I can't tell whether this is a well done parody or his own pointless drivel.

1  MrStealYourVape 2019-05-20

kids like me

Did he juat admit to being a child?

Projecting cunt.

1  PsychopathyRed 2019-05-20

People had to earn the right to call him "Pat". Before that phase it's simply "Cumfan 3:16"

1  SuperToes845 2019-05-20

"Asterisks and Ribbons", now that's clever! He should be the writer, not Fatrick.

1  traffich 2019-05-20

A "preamble" to the activity of loving someone..? "mecha"..? "heaven"..? Writer..? I dunno, but eh

1  IGotATreeOnMyHouse85 2019-05-20

This story is sad for so many reasons

1  BlueBash 2019-05-20

He doesn't tell stories very well

1  SensibleKeks 2019-05-20

There is no Liverpool, KY. I assume he can't keep his lies straight and confused Liverpool with Louisville.

1  AirBuddDwyer 2019-05-20

  1. His prose is so blatantly lifted from other shitty sci-fi writers and I can figure that out despite having no interest in science fiction. He doesn't have a scintilla of originality.
  2. He so badly wants to be a fucking spaceship captain roughly equivalent to an airforce pilot that lives a hard drinkin', tall-tale-tellin', rough-around-the-edges life between missions while beneath all of his gruff manliness is actually an honorable, empathetic champion of human (and alien lolllll!!!) rights with a "we don't take kindly to discrimination 'round these parts..." type attitude.
  3. Even if he didn't lie about everything he's such a ponce. The most unbearable trait a person can have when it comes to moment-to-moment interaction is a genuine lack of humility and he has none whatsoever.

1  Fonald_Plump 2019-05-20

a global mecha

Illiterate fatbody.

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1  BlackManMoan 2019-05-20

This is the most rambling, uninteresting drivel I've ever read. Pat, you should probably have kept this in the, "You just had to be there" file.

This guy's a writer?

1  Twatsmash 2019-05-20

None of this happened. There are definitely no Japanese people who know about Fatty. Nobody would drunkenly say such things. You’re a lying, talentless, fat cunt u/patrickstomlinson.