One of those stupid Baron Allen shows came on and the crowd was super hype, and I told my girlfriend, look, the crowd is hype for the set up but watch them blanch at the punchline.

The punchline was awful and all the excitement of being at a live comedy show flew out the fucking window. The entire crowd let out sad puffs of air and then sat silently.

I told my dumb-yet-delicious bitch that women are almost never as funny as men are and BOY DID SHE BLOW A GASKET!

I explained that being a man is real hard and most comics worth their salt only became funny because they were severely bullied in a way that female comics never experience, and that's why men are funny and women aren't: because the men have been physically violated by shitkickers, while women have been carefully corralled and coddled, and as such are unfunny because they have never had to depend on their humor to diffuse violent jawbreaking fisticuffs.

My girlfriend refuses to accept this.

I find many female comics to be very funny: Sarah Silverman, Lynne Kotlitz, Joan Rivers, Betty White, Rita Rudner, Gilda Gladner, Janeane Garofalo, Margaret Cho before she tried to culturally appropriate black people shitting in their pants, Beth Littleford on The Daily Show, it goes on and on.

I respect female comics, if they are funny.

Others, who simply copy and paste their jokes, like Bonnie MacFarlane-Vos, are very unfunny.

God I have lost the thread.

What do you think? Have I committed a violent crime against female comedy by telling my bitch that women are stupid and unfunny?

I considered it a mitzvah but unfortunately it turns out I'm a schmuck.