If you really wanna be entertained by the Bible, go find the books Jews removed and hoped to hide by burning them. Jesus didn't come to bring peace, but throw fire on all those who opposed him. Most specifically, you guessed it, the Heebs.

I enjoy the Apocrypha myself

I like how Jesus was a cunt as a kid.

In one story a kid he was with, climbing around on a half built house, fell off and broke his neck and died.

And everyone accused Jesus of pushing him off the house because he had a history of being a cunt.

Finally, after enough allegations, Jesus raised the kid from the dead so he could testify to the mob that he had fallen off himself.

The crowd gasped and then when Jesus was satisfied he had made his point, ye released the kid's soul and he immediately died again.

Another one was when a venomous snake bit Jesus's friend. Jesus got pissed and called the serpent over to him, which it was compelled to do.

Jesus chewed him out and demanded he go back to the friend and suck all the venom back out again.

So the snake did that and then Jesus exploded it.

I wanna hang out with teenage Jesus now.

Exactly. He was rad.

But by removing those parts they ruined the Bible.

The point was, even if you had white heaven privilege and we're a huge cunt, you could still turn it around and become the King of the Jews.

Without those parts, the message is just "you should always be perfect from birth and if you do anything wrong, you're going to hell."

Jesus was a man before he was the man

the beginning is thus:

II. 1 This little child Jesus when he was five years old was playing at the ford of a brook: and he gathered together the waters that flowed there into pools, and made them straightway clean, and commanded them by his word alone. 2 And having made soft clay, he fashioned thereof twelve sparrows. And it was the Sabbath when he did these things (or made them). And there were also many other little children playing with him.

3 And a certain Jew when he saw what Jesus did, playing upon the Sabbath day, departed straightway and told his father Joseph: Lo, thy child is at the brook, and he hath taken clay and fashioned twelve little birds, and hath polluted the Sabbath day. 4 And Joseph came to the place and saw: and cried out to him, saying: Wherefore doest thou these things on the Sabbath, which it is not lawful to do? But Jesus clapped his hands together and cried out to the sparrows and said to them: Go! and the sparrows took their flight and went away chirping. 5 And when the Jews saw it they were amazed, and departed and told their chief men that which they had seen Jesus do.

III. 1 But the son of Annas the scribe was standing there with Joseph; and he took a branch of a willow and dispersed the waters which Jesus had gathered together. 2 And when Jesus saw what was done, he was wroth and said unto him: O evil, ungodly, and foolish one, what hurt did the pools and the waters do thee? behold, now also thou shalt be withered like a tree, and shalt not bear leaves, neither root, nor fruit. 3 And straightway that lad withered up wholly, but Jesus departed and went unto Joseph's house. But the parents of him that was withered took him up, bewailing his youth, and brought him to Joseph, and accused him 'for that thou hast such a child which doeth such deeds.'

IV. 1 After that again he went through the village, and a child ran and dashed against his shoulder. And Jesus was provoked and said unto him: Thou shalt not finish thy course (lit. go all thy way). And immediately he fell down and died. But certain when they saw what was done said: Whence was this young child born, for that every word of his is an accomplished work? And the parents of him that was dead came unto Joseph, and blamed him, saying: Thou that hast such a child canst not dwell with us in the village: or do thou teach him to bless and not to curse: for he slayeth our children.

V. 1 And Joseph called the young child apart and admonished him, saying: Wherefore doest thou such things, that these suffer and hate us and persecute us? But Jesus said: I know that these thy words are not thine: nevertheless for thy sake I will hold my peace: but they shall bear their punishment. And straightway they that accused him were smitten with blindness. 2 And they that saw it were sore afraid and perplexed, and said concerning him that every word which he spake whether it were good or bad, was a deed, and became a marvel. And when they (he ?) saw that Jesus had so done, Joseph arose and took hold upon his ear and wrung it sore. 3 And the young child was wroth and said unto him: It sufficeth thee (or them) to seek and not to find, and verily thou hast done unwisely: knowest thou not that I am thine? vex me not.

jesus was a little shit lol

Good dude tho

He really didn't like being told what to do

me either

i started thinking about why i hated cops and realized it went all the way to childhood learning that the Roman soldiers killed jesus

Jesus was my hero growing up, i legit wanted to be a saint until i was 8

but a saint has to be free from sin, that can fuck with a kid hard if you are really into the catholic church’s voodoo

See? If they left the Apocrypha in, you never would have felt that way. You would have felt empowered and conquered your goals. But they took Young Cunt Jesus out and as a result, you felt inferior before you even tried, and you never reached your potential. You poor bastard.

yep

TL;DR:

Jesus ignored Jewish Law and made some clay pigeons on the Sabbath day.

A (((concerned citizen))) tattled to Joseph. Joseph ran over there and yelled at Jesus to quit fucking around.

Jesus said fuck you and gave the clay birds life and they flew away at his command.

The (((denizens))) ran and tattled to their (((elders.)))

Then a really stupid guy grabbed a stick and wrecked Jesus's little diverted stream.

Jesus went fucking psycho and withered him up like a water-deprived tree. Tree guy's parents ran and tattled on Jesus.

Jesus was pissed and heard enough of this shit so he took a moody guy walk through the village.

Just then, some jackass shoulder checked him and Jesus just told him fuck you nigger and the guy instantly died.

THAT guy's parents complained to Joseph too. So Joseph went and found Jesus and said "what the fuck are you doing boi?" And Jesus said "fuck you, you're not my real dad."

And Jesus said "I'll chill tho if it will shut you up, hut those who crossed me are blind now." And those enemies instantly went blind.

And all the (((townspeople))) were very amazed and afraid and impressed and terrified and they were all gossipping like hens.

And Joseph got pissed and grabbed Jesus by the ear and twisted the everloving FUCK out of it.

And Jesus coined the phrase: "Don't you know who I am? Don't piss me off!"

Amen

It's ALMOST Terminator 2

Jesus was basically that little kid in the old Twilight Zone episode no one wanted to piss off.

He was! Simpsons parodied it one time Bart was the bad kid.

"I'm not nodding, it's the air conditioning."

Can you do this with every verse in the bible? Thanks in advance

TL;DR:

Those degenerate faggot bugchasers got what was coming to them, so did Lot's nosy disobedient hole.

Job kept loving God no matter how badly the Almighty fucked with him.

Goliath was a pussy.

Imagine him with jager

It's almost like they removed nearly all of the interesting stuff from Jesus' life to make him a blank peaceful and subservient slate that they could use to influence billions of people to emulate. No solutions. No fight back. Just roll over, tell the Jews you forgive them (even though the bible never states that Jesus forgave them, and his famous "they know not what they do" line was directed toward the Roman soldiers, not the Jews who knew exactly what they were doing) and wait to die.

Goddamn I hate the Jews so fucking much dude

Martin Luther was also a faggot

Luther was on point with how fucked up Jews are, but he was such a German autist that he was just about as much of a pathological maniac as Jews are. The guy literally had a basement with bottles he had filled with piss, and then he'd go outside every morning and whip himself because he hated himself for wanting to masturbate.

When you're such a gigantic faggot that makes Doug Benson look cool in comparison, kill yourself and don't write a book.

This is absolutely key. The context matters so completely, so importantly. The Jews (The Pharisees) are vipers like their father before them, Satan himself.

The Romans were just doing their job, letting Judeans handle their own problems. The Roman soldier who stuck a spear into Jesus' carcass upon the cross and became drenched in Christ's blood was given salvation for being spiritually baptized in the Son of God's blood.

petulant to describe a person or behavior that is irritable in a childish way. The adjective, petulant, is a disapproving term used to describe a bad-tempered child, an adult behaving like an angry child or behavior of this type.

Every man must be a child before he becomes a man

Are you a Christian edge lord?

Aka faggot

Dont sir me buddy, I'm homeless and riddled with STDs.

Hey, do me a favor? Kill yourself.

No can do Slurms

I'm a Faggotist. We believe the world is a faggot, and we are all made in its image.

Slow passive alcoholism thats not disruptive enough to make me homeless yet will still make family and friends hate me by the time im old.

Socratism

reads the Bible

still nihilist

Enjoy hell, bud.

the old testament was more interesting to me

Yeah it was kinda cool how God killed like a billion fags in Sodom and Gomorrah and then flooded the world because it was all gay as shit. I dunno, I kinda like how the Jews were like "don't you talk to me that way" and Jesus went all Stone Cold Steve Austin on their asses and literally whipped them for being kikey.

I am going to bet most of us here have read the bible numerous times. This is a Christian subreddit.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=O5KETYJJnIE

i started watching this for possible meme material and it ended up being a great movie

almost every story thats cool is some version of Christ’s journey, and the original is the best because its Jesus vs the Jews

JESUS: THE ANIMATED SERIES

Fuck right, Imma watch this today.

/u/timallenonacid, blessed art thou, for showing us the way through the pass. Truly a great shepherd art thou. Amen.

also in this parable we are literally just something god consumes

like livestock being fattened up for eventual harvest

A nigga's gotta eat tho

First rule of getting locked up.

You gotta eat

Is god in some alien prison and he created mankind to live off of while in solitary confinement?

the truth may shock you

story at 8

The secret to The Bible is acknowledging that the Old Testament (Torah) is bullshit and none of it made sense until the Ancient Greeks formatted it to make sense with realistic philosophical musings; Christianity is the convergence of Ancient Judaism (which is nothing but faith and no longer exists) and Greek philosophy (The Greeks had an evocation of God who was entirely immaterial and thus not subject to the laws of physicality or flux matter, and thus is immortal, eternal and immune to destruction).

There's a reason the New Testament was first written in Greek and not Latin, and it's because Ancient Greek was based as fuck. It explicitly states that you can defend your point of view with a sword. You are permitted to hang around prostitutes and retards. You are obliged to point out that certain prominent people in your society are total fags. If someone lends money at interest, you can whip them at your pleasure.

Also, by the way, the ancient teachings of Christianity do preach that these set of beliefs will be apprehended by viperous pieces of shit. "The floors of Hell itself will be paved with my many priests, cardinals and bishops."

It allows the freedom of the individual to call out pedophiles wherever it's fit.

You want proof of how awesome my faith is?

Patrick S. Tomlinson is a cum-loving faggot and should be deported to Delaware where he's raped by Republicans.

also Jesus probably went to India and came back with what he learned

The Indians and the Japanese both say Jesus came through. the Japanese even say he was never crucified and died on Japan and the village he died in has a tomb there where his body is supposedly inside.

wEiRd NeWs!!

The Japs sell Jesus’s panties in vending machines as well

I know but they always smell like sandalwood and I don't care for it

Ramb of God 50000 yen, round-eye.

whatever it is I’m picking up a copy

Gate Crashers by Patrick S. Tomlinson

I'm a convert to Eastern Orthodox. I don't believe in ecumenism but I do have a great deal of respect for Catholics... though I think the Vatican should be burned to the ground. The rest of the Christians can suck a dick because they're not actually willing to do shit.

And yes, I legitimately think Mel Gibson is fucking awesome. His belief is legit.

non lapse Catholics are solid in their faith and seem to give a fuck

but all that voodoo shit needs to go, and before we burn the vatican they need to release the contents of their library to the people

hoarding that knowledge is disgusting

Moshiach

A messiah in Judaism is a savior and liberator of the Jewish people. The concept of messianism originated in Judaism, and in the Hebrew Bible, a messiah is a king or High Priest traditionally anointed with holy anointing oil

Liberated from what exactly that the Zionist are still crying out for his return?

does anyone remember the stone that he builder refused

really?

in the search for power time is a flat circle

you want power? go be a mason

yeah

Is Jesus the only Jew that didn’t turn out to be a Jew? Even Rich Vos became a backstabbing Jew to Opie

Attell

I'm an emerald tablets kind of guy

HAHA, your god has a bird head, not even a cool bird like an hawk, a faggoty ibis.

Also a monkey head like a nigger. And a wizard hat when he was hermes. And a faggy leaf crown when he was mercury. Nigga had alot of looks.

Hey, juschippinyababe, just a quick heads-up:
alot is actually spelled a lot. You can remember it by it is one lot, 'a lot'.
Have a nice day!

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