It's just about 10:30 PM in Milwaukee, WI, and Patrick is polishing off his 11th pint of the night...
60 2019-05-02 by Cornelius_Vajwort-II
He's spitting bratwurst on the bartenders face as he rants about society's misrepresentation of NAMBLA and the giant cock of his ex-wife's new man. His hands are curled in an autistic rage. In one swift motion he reaches into his pants pocket, shuffling between his belongings and clumps of thigh fat. He rips out his phone and opens the browser. Immediately going to his favourite sub, /r/opienanthony, to call some anonymous (and definitely more successful) people "child" and try to convince himself for the 15th time today that he isn't a fat lump of shit. Scrolling through the top posts he notices a blurry photo that is quickly rising. He cocks one sweaty eyebrow, terrified by his suspicions. Reluctantly he opens the thread to investigate further. That's when he realizes that the foundation of everything he built himself up to be: an athlete, a respected father, a loving husband and a successful author, has all come crashing down. Reality finally sets in. He is an obese, lonely bar regular who is in crippling debt and has an unspeakable lust for children. Patrick grabs the knife from behind the bar and plunges it into his abdomen, in a half-assed attempt to commit Seppuku. Unfortunately for Patrick, the knife barely even made a dent in the fortress of lard surrounding his belly. He'll have to live another day.
29 comments
1 CrackerGoodyear 2019-05-02
Nice understanding of the Mountain vs Central timezone, stupid.
1 Cornelius_Vajwort-II 2019-05-02
haha I'm a fucking idiot
1 CrackerGoodyear 2019-05-02
Its okay buddy, the important thing is everything else you wrote is 100% accurate.
1 D0WhatN0w 2019-05-02
Nice understanding of the central vs eastern time zone stupid
1 CrackerGoodyear 2019-05-02
FUCK!!
I fucking stink.
1 D0WhatN0w 2019-05-02
It's okay. I still love ya lil buddy
1 Cornelius_Vajwort-II 2019-05-02
well, well, well
1 CrackerGoodyear 2019-05-02
Yeah? Well The Jerk Store called...and...It takes one to....know....my god.....[single gunshot]
1 FlatlipsTLumpyson 2019-05-02
I'd buy this book.
1 AntsCamera 2019-05-02
Old man Richenbacher has a cattle farm a quarter mile down the road, maybe we can got fuck a few of them eh, Patty?
1 sjhdddtddd4swwcf 2019-05-02
or you could just walk down and eat them all
1 Bigsmooth4 2019-05-02
Only inaccuracy I see is that it's 9:30 in Milwaukee
1 Cornelius_Vajwort-II 2019-05-02
Yeah I'm a stupid fuck
1 Cornelius_Vajwort-II 2019-05-02
The city of manhattan...
1 tranthasourus 2019-05-02
9:30
1 Cornelius_Vajwort-II 2019-05-02
guys stop bullying me plz
1 tranthasourus 2019-05-02
You’re a good dude, just retarded.
1 Cornelius_Vajwort-II 2019-05-02
That's probably the sweetest thing that anyone has ever said to me :')
1 Jaded_Dragon_2018 2019-05-02
You say odd shit to people
1 D0WhatN0w 2019-05-02
Legit better written than anything Fat's has "published"
1 lawntoilet 2019-05-02
"The blood flowed like buttercream icing"
"Peoplesicles"
These are words Patrick actually wrote. Almost anything is better than what he's published. That said, the OP is great.
1 D0WhatN0w 2019-05-02
I still refuse a person would allow themselves to commit such blatant garbage to paper for others to read. But yes OP is the best.
1 Cornelius_Vajwort-II 2019-05-02
isn't buttercream icing viscous? Is he implying that the person's blood is clotting? Great prose, stupid.
1 ElFaporino 2019-05-02
Self publishing on Kindle is easy, and reasonably inexpensive
1 JoeCumiaDotCom 2019-05-02
That's how Mike Bocchetti got his abomination of an autobiography published
1 ElFaporino 2019-05-02
you mean a professional editor didn't go over that and confirm that his mother was a house?
1 KisoRiverNippon 2019-05-02
All the while, eyeing grandmothers to sock in the mouth in the name of left-wing justice
1 PatIsAFatHack 2019-05-02
Pat is incapable of doing anything “swiftly” that involves exerting yourself physically
so it’s a nice fantasy novel
good stuff
1 RAF_SEMEN_DICK_OVENS 2019-05-02
Sounds like a billy joel song