r/opieandanthonyxyz: In honor of Joe Cumia's 60th, I present you The Joe Cumia Roast (I will get it started..)

As opposed to his brother, who did quite the opposite: on nationally syndicated radio, in the cabs of thousands of truckers, because he was absolutely proud of it and thought Patrice "Can't Go To Canada" O'Neal would be sympathetic.

1 OkaySeriouslyBro 2019-07-15

People on this roast will say Joe is stupid, it's not true! I tell ya it's not true.

It takes a real complex brain to see your little brother crying his eyes out, prancing around wearing mommy's heels, and think I should propose an arrangement where if this guy ever gets rich I don't have to work.

1 HotRock5 2019-07-15

https://youtu.be/PU8KCBZtpEk

1 DigitalTorque 2019-07-15

I’m just looking forward for Joe’s speech to close the roast

1 -Leonov- 2019-07-15

The Russians launched dogs not chimps.

Nice knowledge of early Soviet rocketry, stupid.

1 Hamburger212 2019-07-15

Can two racists enter a childhood contract legally?

1 ellencakehorn 2019-07-15

The Catch-22 of underage consent

1 Bluesmoky 2019-07-15

Faggot roaster: Joe has so many guitars it's like he's starting... uh..uhh a guitar convention.. or something...

Anthony: HA HA HA!!!!! HO LEE SHIT!!!!!!!

1 Hamburger212 2019-07-15

Joe, you aren't on ACTUAL welfare.. Your brother doesn't care if you claim more kids than you actually have.

1 AnferneeCumiyayuh 2019-07-15

We get it you're "brothers". Joe if you are 6'1", why is your brother so little? Is this the reason why the two of you ignored your mother for all of those years?

1 Phantas_Magorical 2019-07-15

Nana is his real provider

1 InnocentChrisKuhn 2019-07-15

Joe, i tried to organize a few congratulatory messages from exes, but most declined. However i got the fellas from the Big Apple Ranch to shoot a special birthday greeting for you. We can't play it here, but it is more appropriate to watch in private anyway.

1 DasterdlyDutch 2019-07-15

Joe Claims to be a musician, but the openly thing he’s ever wrote is his signature on Anthony’s cheque’s.

1 StuntPeckah 2019-07-15

cheque’s.

That's just...

1 DasterdlyDutch 2019-07-15

English language, stupid.

1 satanssockpuppet 2019-07-15

AKA "wasted time signatures"

1 suirogerg 2019-07-15

Joe Cumia is a strange guy. I can’t tell if he’s the Edge, a character from Sons of Anarchy, or a member of the Village People. Then I remember that none of those guys are fat-fitted pieces of shit.

1 ants_ccw_permit 2019-07-15

Joe is remarkably similar to U2 as far as musical acts go. People receive a U2 album for free, they complain. Bar patrons are treated to a free solo joe show, they ask him to turn down his amp.

1 StuntPeckah 2019-07-15

Nice angle.

1 TaumpyTearsxyz 2019-07-15

That free U2 record is pretty good fwiw

1 Persianschlong 2019-07-15

They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, well stupidity, ignorance and low mentality are like Saturn's rings in his.

1 SpaceEdgesDom 2019-07-15

Joe gets no respect, I tell ya! No respect! I mean, he doesn't deserve any respect because he sucks and is a cow, so fuck him.

Thank you, ladies and jerks!

1 Hamburger212 2019-07-15

Joe owed his mother six dollars and he was dodging her

1 scorchingcaseOderpes 2019-07-15

This guy Joe, is for the birds!

1 UnemployedOpie 2019-07-15

Recently Joe's daughter got a bad grade at school and she thought she really deserved better, so she asked Joe to speak with her teacher. He declined, because Joe knows better than to speak up when it comes to kids getting fucked.

1 Leofan7 2019-07-15

Joe's a man who can make a simple skillet into a multi-functional implement of destruction.

1 nice_looper_stupid 2019-07-15

Happy birthday moomia, this spud’s for you

1 Toss__Pot 2019-07-15

Roasting Joe Cumia...

you tryna make some beefburgers or sumtin

1 redditsipowillsuck 2019-07-15

Mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

1 Hamburger212 2019-07-15

I'd rather pick blueberries with Henry Fonda

1 EasilyForgotten1138 2019-07-15

Dawn Cumia kept telling Joe, "Joe, you're just like dad. Jeez Joe, you are just like dad!". Finally Joe had to say, "Will you stop? You're making me lose my erection".

1 GreekIsExtra 2019-07-15

Joe Cumia is one of the great environmentalists of our age. He recycles and reuses everything. His clothes are cast offs from a television series, he only spends money after it passes through the hands of his brother, his girlfriend is a leaky old second hand model, and his guitar licks were recovered from the dumpster behind a classic rock station. Even the very saliva in his mouth is a hand me up from his kids.

1 HotRock5 2019-07-15

https://youtu.be/hQurbvFdP9M

1 satanssockpuppet 2019-07-15

Joe's a full-patch member of SOA...Sorry Old Assholes. He's also a M.O.M...Man Overlooking Mom. But seriously, folks, Joe served his country in the US Army. Ever see your buddy die of salmonella in your arms? He was awarded the Silver Spatula with French Fry clusters.

But seriously, folks, we like to poke fun at Joe for playing in U2 and Journey cover bands, but that's not his fault. There was already a huge glut of REO Speedwagon and Styx cover bands and Joe didn't want to saturate the market. His resemblance to The Edge really is uncanny, if you close your eyes and pretend The Edge is a fat bald old cocksucker with pendulous swaying boy breasts, that is. Hey Joe, Howard Stern called, he wants his Neal Schon wig back asap. Joe greatest accomplishment, of course, was producing the "Gon' 'Lectric Shock OJ" video. It took all his competence and all his skill to make the viewer believe that Ant really was a bug-eyed bubble-lipped shuckin' and jivin' Negro, as it's just so far fetched.

1 SpitItoutSocratesxyz 2019-07-15

Can I embarss myself by shouting out unfunny lines from the audience like Ant did at the vos roast.

1 satanssockpuppet 2019-07-15

"Ha ha HAAAA child sex! You'd do it too!"

1 TheElDan 2019-07-15

I’m going to go the Norton route: not understand another roaster’s bit, try and fail to zing him, then hold a grudge for years.

1 Eddie_Paint_Chips 2019-07-15

It's a veritable moo's moo....

1 KwibStick 2019-07-15

One time I took Joe to a ballgame, and he came toting a double barreled shotgun. I asked him, “What the H is that for?” He said “I heard the Lions were playing the Tigers”

1 MonsteRain 2019-07-15

Joe Cumia is an unproductive member of society who can't even get his kids to school on time.

1 TheElDan 2019-07-15

Joe’s life is a lot like Black Mirror. He’s obsessed with the dark side of technology, and he fucks a pig.

1 BubbaSkrimp420 2019-07-15

Ya know folks, Joe Cumia's a great guitarist who's not afraid of soloing or scales.. but he's sure afraid of the scales in the slaughterhouse!

1 SuperTubsPeterson 2019-07-15

Making fun of joe Cumia for being dumb is like making fun of Ro Cumia for being dead. It's fun.

1 Hamburger212 2019-07-15

aint it fun?

1 Dachosen17 2019-07-15

Joe cumia's survival kit in a disaster would be an extra bottle of child spit instead of water.

Joe cumia is a cannibal he eats cows.

Joe cumia couldn't join SOA not because he isn't cool enough but he would pop both tire's getting on a motorcycle

its the best I could come up with in 5 minutes I'm sorry.

1 HurryupandReply 2019-07-15

Walks up to the mic-

"Joe Cumia ladies and gentlemen, is a gay pedophile, that's been my set, you've been a great audience!"

-Leaves

1 ellencakehorn 2019-07-15

Leaves is a terrible comedian.

1 UnfunnyFaggott 2019-07-15

Now I’m not saying Joe Cumia is gay but I am saying that Joe Cumia can guess the flavor of a popsicle just by sitting on it.

1 gcwrestling08 2019-07-15

A lot of you may know that Joe started a U2 tribute band called "2U." As the name indicates, they do everything backwards from the real band. They have no Edge, and Joe's life goal is to infect as many children as possible with the AIDS virus.

1 Christopher_Barton 2019-07-15

Why did Joe cross the road?

To get to the other side so a child could spit into his perpetually gaping maw.

1 yabbadabbadough 2019-07-15

Joe Cumia has the wisdom of an owl, the grace of a swan and the power of an eagle .... Yes ladies & gentlemen, Joe Cumia is a child spit drinking pedophile faggot.

1 absultedpr 2019-07-15

From free-baser to free-loader , from cock sucker to corpse fucker , Slow Joe has done it all.... except work

1 CannoliKing 2019-07-15

This flying carpet nigga needs an alarm clock so he can get his fucken kid to school on time

1 willfalls2 2019-07-15

Joe is the kind of person who Anthony hated when Obama was elected. Anthony is paying high taxes to support local poor savages who leach off the tit of society.

1 Opie4EvaAnthonyNever 2019-07-15

We've all been ripping on Joe and he deserves it, he knows he deserves it. But the sad fact is he's not even the worst person in his family. Can you believe that?

Imagine being a valor stealing leech who pays children to spit in his mouth and he is still not the worst person in his family. What kind of family is this? It's not like Ted Bundy had a more successful murderer of a younger brother.

That must really eat at Joe. Not only is his he a worthless pedophile, but he's only the 2nd worst pedophile in his own family. Even when he's abusing children he can't escape his brothers shadow.

1 StuntPeckah 2019-07-15

I see Nordic Jim Norton is here! How’s Louis CK lately? Oh, ya haven’t talked to him in a while? Well, how’s the food here? I hope they’re serving you R. Budd Dwyer’s lunch, you desperate, personality-stealing old kvetch!

And Anthony is here, of course. Joe wouldn’t have a dime or an identity without him. Ant went from spending nights with fourteen-year-olds to spending them with fourteen fatsos and a bodybuilder. I hear she was strong enough to lift his wallet on a few occasions too!

I’ve gotta be honest, when I was asked to roast Cowhead I thought they meant the radio host from Florida, not a washed-out army cook.

How’s the diet going, you self-absorbed gasbag? Here’s a tip: You don’t need a diet. You need a JOB! You’ve got a home studio your brother bought you and zero albums! Instead you peddle used songs to “Wisconsin 3’s.”

Nice career, stupid.

But seriously, go fuck ya mother. Everyone else did.

That’s my time, everybody. Always remember, starve Nana!

1 Kevtv 2019-07-15

First off I want to thank all the members of the dais who came out tonight, putting aside all other priorities and shame. Simply being here means you are now being monitored by the FBI.

Look, the Cumias aren't criminals. Also aren't Italian. Never before have I met two guys with the uncanny ability to shape shift into all the races they allege to hate.

Speaking of allegations, anyone know where my gun is? Relax, relax, mine got taken away too.

Brother Joe, the guy trying to scrub his internet history away with a toothbrush. I tell ya, this guy spends hours every day trying to erase made up things about him when his real life is peeking over his shoulder. Look out for that frying pan!

1 ellencakehorn 2019-07-15

I'd like to get serious for a moment, ladies and gentlemen.

You see, the Moors...

1 spolrak123 2019-07-15

AntH payed joe all these years so he would fatten up so he could make a killing by selling him to the slaughterhouse