Actual quote from hack Bert Kristkiller
22 2019-07-10 by Fartpooof
When Oliver Stone optioned the rights to my life, and they were trying to develop a movie based on my life, there was this agent who set me up with writers, and they were going to write the script. These two writers had a great pitch, but they kept saying, “We don’t know how the story ends. We want to know how it ends.” One night, we go over to the Argyle [now called Sunset Tower, in West Hollywood], and they’ve rented the penthouse suite. We walk in and there’s a ton of coke on the table. They go, “You party, right?” I didn’t say no at the time. Then, very quickly I realized they were trying to kill me so that they’d have an end to the story. I go out on this tiny balcony overlooking Hollywood, and I think, “I need to get the f- -k out of here.”
10 comments
1 TheGhostOfAbeVigoda 2019-07-10
Yeah, and then National Lampoon's Van Wilder was made. Bert Kreischer is definitely a super important guy that Oscar bait movies are made about.
1 JerkStoreJ 2019-07-10
This guy is an Opie-level fibber
1 InnocentChrisKuhn 2019-07-10
Joey Diaz would have told it more convincingly
1 Skank_Sinatra 2019-07-10
Cocksucka here and there really sells it.
1 suirogerg 2019-07-10
In addition to a wheeze and mucous-laden cough in between sips of water. I’m telling you, Joe Rogan, they tried to fuckin’ kill me. I was statin’ off the balcony at the store where that great pizza joint is now, I love that spot, Joe Rogan, best fuckin’ pizza outside of Jersey.
1 jims_cold_eggs 2019-07-10
LA comics come up with the most ridiculous lies because they don't have actual friends to call them out on their bullshit
1 JMueller2012 2019-07-10
They also don’t have souls
1 LvL99BlackMage 2019-07-10
It's so generic it's horrible. There was a script, an agent, some writers, a location that's changed names. It's like copy and paste bullshit.
I've never seen someone with coke ask me if I party. They usually spend all night hiding it from the party.
1 xxmikekxx 2019-07-10
The thing about Bert that explains everything, that isn’t ever explicitly said, is that he grew up a rich kid. His whole life & career is based on being a rich kid. He does not have a story that has any type of adversity. His life is basically going to private school, then him going to college where he had no stakes or reason to work so he became such a monumental drunken fuck-up that he made it his identity. Belonging to a frat and studying abroad is all rich people shit too.
I just can’t believe he has fans. He’s not a real comic. He’s a TV Host who used that fame to do a lot of podcasts. Then he learned a couple of hacky gimmicks to do during his “story telling” & now everyone believes he’s a comic. His only real talent his self promoting. When people pay to see him perform at a theater, they are paying to see a professional self promoter
1 Thompson3000 2019-07-10
Bert the bi-sexual